Steve Warz: Trilogy 6
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: Halfway through, and it's the biggest trilogy yet! And it's all about WAR, baby! But not just any war; it's war against an otherworldly force, as well as some other unexpected opposition. Will the Jedi and Republic prevail? Fight! For Everlasting Peace! (Transcribed by the ever-determined overmind2000)
1. Prologue

**Prologue 2:**

**Dark Tidings**

Sir, I have come as requested.

Your plans haven't been going as originally planned.

...No, I haven't dealt with them as you ordered me to.

...I got sidetracked. There were forces beyond my control that-

...What do you mean it was all my fault!? I said I had no control-

...Yes... Yes...

...Very well. But I'm still telling you it wasn't my fault.

...A new assignment? What is it?

...Uh-huh…

...Really? For what reason?

...Yes, that does make sense.

...Very well. I shall carry out the task with utmost diligence.

...No. I promise that I won't fail you this time. You have my word.

(Turn to an ocean at sunset. The water is glowing with a twilit beauty, the sky beginning to show signs of night. Show a very high cliff where a lone figure in some type of whitish armor stand before the vast body of water, eyes closed as though in meditation)

X: (In thoughts) How can I go on? It's all been very stressful, with little to show for it... The world is still at war with itself despite my ever-lasting fight for peace. Mavericks keep coming with no clear end in sight. And with Zero gone, I have no one to turn to in my most difficult hours. I'm just tired… So very, very tired… If only for once I could truly have rest.

?: I can help you with that.

X: (Out loud, eyes wide) Huh!?

(Turns around to see a tall, cloaked figure, whose face is indiscernible)

X: Who are you!?

?: Why, I'm the answer to your ever-tormented existence.

X: What are you then? A Maverick, or are you Sigma!?

?: Oh ho ho ho ho. Please, don't be so dramatic. I am neither of those, nor am I any part of this world.

X: What's that supposed to mean?

?: Nothing of your concern. In fact, nothing in this world will matter to you in a short while.

X: What are you talking about!?

?: X, X, X, X… So ponderous, and yet so dense. It should be rather obvious. (Moves aside part of robe to reveal a long sword pointing to ground I'm here to end your miserable, tiresome struggle.

X: Really? Well I got news for you, pal: I've too much going on in this world to leave it now.

?: Oh, but X, I'm actually doing you a favor. I have read your thoughts. You know that your struggle is for naught. For every good you do, more evil comes to smother it. Everything you stand for is meaningless. All it is is just a never-ending cycle of good vs. evil, with good never truly winning. The only thing gained is more suffering on your part from every little conflict you partake in.

X: Maybe so, but I will never give up fighting for others. I may end up never finding rest, but so long as I can bring hope to my friends, it will all be worth it!

?: Heh, heh heh heh heh... Annoyingly determined as always. However, your determination and devotion to a false hope will leave you biting off more than you can chew.

(Starts crouching, bringing sword closer to side)

X: Yeah, well I'm not gonna go down that easily. (Pulls out saber hilt) Alright! Let's do-

(There is a flash as X stands there in shock, mid-sentence. Pull back to show the cloaked figure crouched behind X with his back to him and his sword held above his back. After some seconds, X drops his saber)

X: (In thoughts) Rest… Rest at last…

(The upper body slides off the waist diagonally and goes off in a Mega Man-style death explosion upon hitting the ground. Show the cloaked figure as he slowly rises to a standing position)

?: Like I said: biting off more than you can chew.

(Turns around and walks slowly back to full ground)

?: Now with him out of the way, the next phase shall begin, and the real fun will follow after. And what a party that's going to be.

(He disappears in a blue flash)

**To Be Started…**


	2. Episode 1

**Star Warz**

**Episode [Peace]:**

**Installation**

_One and a half years have passed since the last trilogy. The family of Squishy and Sylvia Jaa-Ruuk have lived quietly and without hassle since their last encounter with the diabolical Contractor. Their three children have been accepted by the whole galaxy well enough, allowing them to be raised with the love and care every child deserves. Two of them take on the likeness of their mother, but have five-fingered claws and yellower eyes, as well as a slimmer, more upright build. These are Stan and Sally. The third one is an interesting case, in that he was born wearing the garb of any traditional Jawa, but with reptilian appendages. No one has seen him without his cloak, but it's assumed that he looks just like his siblings underneath. There have been rumors of some troubling disfigurement the parents are too ashamed to reveal, but these are held by a vast minority. This child was named Richter, or Rick for short._

_Much quiet has befallen the galaxy over the year and a half. Jawa Home has continued to run smoothly with no trouble at all. The children, due to their unique genetics, have grown and developed at an astonishing rate, so that they think and behave similar to five year old humans. We join this happy family and their Jedi friends on Jawa Home preparing for an international celebration for all races. It is an event many are already considering to be an unforgettable one. Though something seems a bit off..._

(Turn to Jawa Home, where the space around it is abuzz with various ships. Some of these ships are hanging decorations on the outside of the massive station. Inside, the corridors are filled with banners and balloons and chatty guests of all species and races. In one secluded but cluttered corner, we find Squishy with a clipboard and tapping his head with a pen)

Squishy: Oh dear oh dear oh dear! Busy busy busy! I know I'm forgetting something, but what?

?: Yo! Squishy!

(He turns to see Jo and the other Jedi come in)

Squishy: Jo! Guys! What're you doing here?

Sara: Have you forgotten? We're part of the event committee. We volunteered.

Squishy: Yeah, but in such a big group? What about your jobs, the party set-up things?

Will: We finished them.

Jo: We're Jedi, you know. Five tons of confetti are nothing to Force Levitation.

Cope :Though I don't agree with me running the Kid's Room.

Anna: Now Alex, don't whine about it. It was either that, or be the recurring clown character.

Cope: Grrrrrr…

Squishy: Say, speaking of kids, have you seen Sylvia around?

?x2: Daddy!

(Show two 1½ foot lizards running toward Squishy and hugging his sides)

Squishy: Kids, hey! Where's mommy?

Sylvia: Over here. (She walks in) They've been all hyped up by all the excitement. They're quite a handful.

Squishy: Yeah, I can see. But where's little Richter?

Sylvia: He's around here somewhere.

?: Up here, Dad!

(Above, a robed pipsqueak zips down a banner string and leaps off. It lands and stands to reveal a small robed being with bright yellow eyes only visible in the hood's darkness, as well as reptilian limbs)

Sara: There he is.

Rick: Did ya see that Mom? Did ya did ya?

Sylvia: Yes, yes I did dear. Hmm… He sure does take after his father, doesn't he?

Squishy: Now don't cut yourself out so soon, honey. You can be quite the scrambler with the right stimulation.

Sylvia: Squishy!

(The Jedi laugh while the kids look confused)

Jo: So Squishy, what're you doing on such a bustling occasion?

Squishy: Well, frankly, I'm quite wound up. It's minutes before opening ceremony, and I'm extremely nervous about something going wrong. Plus I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.

Sylvia: Oh, I'm sure it wasn't anything important.

Anna: And you have nothing to worry about. We saw to it that this bash will be explosive. (Sees worried look) In a metaphorical sense, not literal.

Jo: Yeah, and I spiked the punch with enough death stick powder so that this night may be the last thing anyone will remember for a while.

(Cope is drinking some punch but chokes and spits it out at this statement)

Cope: You did what!?

Jo: I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

(He chuckles and gets punched in the shoulder)

Sara: Hey, look! Steezy's about to go on.

(Turn to the grand staging area, where we see Steezy walk up a ramp onto a large stage with a podium)

Kids: Uncle Steezy Uncle Steezy!

Sylvia: Hush now, dears. We've got to show manners for your uncle.

(Things go quiet and Steezy reaches the podium. His image is greatly enlarged on TV screens hanging around the place)

Steezy: Hello everyone! This is your party ship's technical officer and pilot, Steezy Ssi-Ruuk. Welcome to this very hippin' happenin' occasion, and let me say how great it is to see so many folks of cultural variety! It makes me so stoked to see all you different races and species chatting it up together in one room instead of killing each other, physically or verbally. Oh, and for you stiffs out there in the audience, I assure you that all weapons of outrageously mass destruction have been removed from this vessel some years back. That being said, you now know that if you can't find your planet after leaving this party, it won't be because I blew it up. (There are some uneasy chuckles) But seriously, folks. Tonight is a very important and special night for all of us here at Jawa Home. On this night, a new age of peace and camaraderie will be born, and Jawa Home will be the very birthplace of it. Because starting tonight, this fabulous establishment shall officially become the galaxy's greatest destination for festivities and partying, as we shall all become residents of Celebration Nation!

(Confetti explodes and screens flash, announcing this new event. People get lively at this)

Steezy: Yes, my friends! This night shall be the high point of equal partying rights for years to come. So it won't matter if you're a man or woman, Quarren or Calamarian, Jawa or Tusken, homo or hetero, bisexual or asexual, or whatever the preference, this night is ours to spend in jubilation! And what better way to kick off such a tubular event then with a raffle! (Cheers abound) All right, seems that everyone of you agrees! Now while tickets are being passed out, please grab some punch and get acquainted with everyone, because once the dancing starts, don't expect to go to your room anytime soon!

(Some employees go about passing out tickets. Back at the quiet nook)

Sylvia: I'd say he did pretty good.

Squishy: Eh, I thought he was a bit serious for the middle part. But this is an important event, nonetheless. Just think: the first resort to officially abolish any and all specie-centric restrictions for event hosting.

Will: But it's already been like that here, right?

Squishy: Yeah, but now it's fully sanctioned by every planetary government in the galaxy. Only a few set protocols that doesn't discriminate any demographic. Only a matter of time before everywhere will be like this.

Anna: That kinda sounds impossible.

Sylvia: No doubt it'll take some time to fully catch on. But with how fast things have gotten on, it shouldn't be long.

Squishy: Yep. So more cause for celebration!

(Some guy wearing a cap and holding a pink box tied with a red ribbon walks over)

Guy: Squishy and Sylvia Jaa-Ruuk?

Sylvia: Yes?

Guy: Package for you. (Shoves it into Squishy's arms)

Squishy: Package? I don't recall expecting a- (The guy has vanished) Huh?

Stan: Ooooh, a present!

Sally: Is it for me is it for me?

Sylvia: Now hold on a sec, kids, we're still trying to figure out who sent it.

Anna: Is it your birthday or something?

Squishy: No, but there's a little tag here. Maybe that would explain the reason.

(Holds up the tag, only to find the words "Forgot Something?" written there)

Squishy: That's weird...

Will: Well just don't stand there thinking. Open it already.

Squishy: Fine, fine, sheesh!

(Pulls off top to find two metal cylinders laying inside)

Rick: What is it Daddy? Toys?

Jo: Lightsabers? WTF?

Anna: Jo!

Sylvia: Hey! These are our old lightsabers from over a year ago.

Sara: Your old sabers? You mean the ones you gave to Contractor?

Squishy: Yeah. We sorta forgot about these, so we had to make new ones.

Cope: Wait. If you gave them to the Contractor, then how come that guy just gave it to you and disappeared?

Will: Uh-oh. I don't like where this is going.

Steezy: Alright, ladies and gents! The first drawing is about to begin, so quiet please! (Everyone quiets) Okay, our first winning number for tonight is: 0, 4, 7, 2, 1, and 9!

Lady in Crowd: (Waving arms) I won I won!

Steezy: We have a winner, folks! You, lucky lady, have just won a fabulous-

Demonic Voice: _Trip to a world of indescribable pain, sorrow and torture from which the sweet embrace of death cannot save you!_

(The lights and screens get all fuzzy)

Normal Voice: That is, if you indulge in defying my will.

Steezy: What the heck?

(The screens continue fuzzing, but then start to readjust and then switch to a dark room with the back of a throne showing. The throne swivels around to show someone in royal battle attire, wearing glasses and sitting smartly)

Dude: Hello, peons. It is I, your great lord and creator, here to spread my gospel before yon ignorant masses.

Jedi: Contractor!

Sally: Hey, you're that bad man momma and daddy told us about.

Stan: Gee, his forehead's big.

Cont: Yes… Or, as your precious Jedi put it, I use the title of Contractor or, what the little she-freak referred to me as, a "bad man." You see, such senseless bashing to my name has left me doubtful on the chances for all of you reaching nirvana once I bring Judgment Day down upon all of you.

(Gasps abound)

Jo: Don't listen to him! He's just some mean b****rd who's only good at typing and being a total nutjob!

Cont: Yes, that sums me up pretty well. However, if you're still not convinced on me being God, then let me demonstrate my power.

(Snaps fingers. Everyone on the station then breaks into a uniform chicken dance of jiggling about to silly music. Seconds later, Contractor snaps his fingers again, and everyone returns to normal, though looking thoroughly bewildered)

Cont: Yes, as you can see, your free wills are all neatly wound around my fingertips, so don't think anything I wouldn't agree with. (All goes quiet) Now that I have your undivided attentions, I can go on to my announcement. I have come before you all to tell you all of my new venture in the mortal realm. You see, exerting my intentions as an omnipotent being hasn't been working out so well for a while now, so I thought I would have better luck being a regular Joe-Schmoe. Which is why I plan on establishing a new empire that will compete with your precious Republic. I haven't formed a name for it yet, but it shouldn't matter because in no time, I will crush your military and government so that I will have the freedom to adopt the name "Republic" for my glorious empire. Of course, I will change that name at a later time to better fit my tastes, but you all get the gist of what I'm saying, right? (Everyone nods) Good! Then we're squared with things. Now, to further strengthen my message of conquest, I have enlisted the aid of such individuals as Wario, Waluigi, Dr. Timoki, and any other Silly Anti-Heroes of the gaming world, just because I can. With so much silly hair, I doubt any of you can stop me. So now I bid you-

Squishy: Wait!

(Runs out to staging area)

Cont: Ahhh... If if isn't the humble host of this shindig. Did you get my package alright?

Squishy: What is your deal!? Why are you coming here now to mess with us some more, and why did you send us back our lightsabers?

Cont: Well, the sabers were a thank you for having that onion bot sicced on me. Boy, that was a "fun" way to build leg muscles in a year. And I'm doing all this because I _can_ and I _feel_ like it. I'm God, after all, so you can't tell me what to do you meddling heretics.

Sylvia: But this is ridiculous! You're only trying to get at us for stuff that we didn't even do, or that we had done in self-defense.

Jo: Yeah! Everything done to you by us was well-deserved!

Anna: So get over it already!

Cont.: NO! I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! I AM YOUR _MAKER_ AND IT SHOULD BE YOU WHO SHOULD BE MADE THE FOOL AND NOT ME! IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT! And on that note... (Snaps fingers) There, now every monkey in the Coruscant Planetary Zoo has been set loose. Furthermore, they have been given the mental capabilities of hyper six year-olds, and have been scattered throughout the galaxy as an added bonus. That way, as I perfect my dictatorial stance, you will be too busy catching little chimps like silly fools. "But Contractor, why should little chimps be something of galactic concern?" Here's why. (Poofs up a palm pilot) Well, seems a cruiser over Ralltiir has crashed into the financial district due to unforeseen simian interference, meaning stocks there will greatly plummet. Check for yourself.

Stockbroker: (Holding a laptop) My God he's right!

Cont: Of course. Now imagine stuff like that happening in all locales on all planets, but on a more devastating scale, manned by monkeys. I will trust that you'll make the right decisions. See ya's!

Squishy: But Contractor-!

Cont: Nope. Sorry. Gotta go. Buh-bye. Ciao. Adios. Later. Auf Wiedersehen. Aloha. Nanu nanu.

Cope: Stop saying that stuff already!

Cont: (Fingers in ears) La la la la la la! La la la la la la blah blah blah can't hear you yadda yadda yadda you all suck yawn yawn yawn yawn good bye.

(Screens and lights flicker back to their original settings. Everyone is completely dumbfounded)

Steezy: (Into mic) Uhhhhh, ummmm… Well… Seems that this party has been, uhh, cut short. So if you can all calmly return to your rooms and hangers in a quiet, chill manner, then we can get through this a little quicker, 'kay?

(Everyone files out. Later on, when the last ship leaves and clean-up is being done, we see the Jedi in the middle of the empty, confetti-strewn plaza)

Squishy: D**n that Contractor! He just had to come and ruin things when it barely started.

Sylvia: Squishy! Calm down. The kids might be around.

Steezy: No they're not. (Steezy walks over) I just put them to bed.

Will: Well this is a fine pickle if I do say so myself. The Contractor's back and crazier than ever.

Sara: He's endangering the lives of both sentient beings and monkeys alike.

Cope: An immediate course of action has to take place real soon.

Jo: It will, it will. I just know it.

(An Ithorian walks over)

Ithorian: General Chris and Admiral Ackbar have just arrived, fair Jedi.

Squishy: Good. Have them sent to the meeting room.

Ithorian: Yes sir. (Walks away)

Jo: See? What did I tell you?

Will: About time, anyway. Now we can see how much crap the Contractor has flung at us.

Anna: Oh, thanks for the image, Will!

(Later in a meeting/staging room, the fishy admiral and the hairy general are standing around as the Jedi are sitting)

Chris: Well, let me begin by saying how good it is to see you all again. Though I regret we had to come when the party was long over.

Ackbar: And that it had to happen under these conditions.

Chris: Huh? Oh, that too.

Jo: So what's the situation, Admiral?

Ackbar: Upon receiving your message, I had patrols across the galaxy check on various planets, and unfortunately, it seems that the Contractor wasn't blowing smoke.

Chris: Agents who arrived on Rodia found some of the missing monkeys playing Sabaac in one of the casinos. When they got too rambunctious and security tried to remove them, they went out of control and started tearing up the place and flinging feces everywhere. Our agents were able to detain the apes, but their uniforms and a one sixth of Rodia will never smell the same again.

Ackbar: Not too long afterwards, soldiers on Tatooine found two monkeys dressed as C-3PO and R2-D2 crawling across the hot desert, and one monkey dressed as Boba Fett fighting a Sarlaac with a banana gun. Needless to say, that one we couldn't save.

Cope: So what does this all mean?

Chris: This means that these "monkeys" are either extremely hyper or extremely retarded or, very likely, both. Either way, their antics are to be listed under "5th Grade Humor".

Ackbar: Nevertheless, they still pose a threat to any population once they're in a crowded area, or whenever they're around machinery of any type.

Anna: So basically they are a galactic concern in unquestionable need of attention?

Ackbar: That is correct.

Will: But there's the Contractor. He wants to overthrow the Republic and go all Mussolini on us. Can't we just worry about him and let our army handle the monkeys?

Ackbar: I don't know who this "Mussolini" is, but no we can't worry about the Contractor. For one, we don't know where the Contractor is. And for another, our army can't handle these monkeys. Their size allows them to hide just about anywhere, and we'd just end up destroying more property to catch them than would be worth it. We can't wait for them to make a strike, and our foot soldiers aren't adequate for such a task.

Squishy: So the bottom line is, that you need Jedi who are fast and agile and consist of 3 guys, 2 girls, a Jawa, and a lizard.

Chris: PREEE-cisely!

(Everyone groans and sighs)

Jo: Man! We're freakin' monkey chasers now…

Cope: The Contractor was right: this is gonna make us look stupid.

Anna: Awww, it can't be that bad.

Sylvia: Who's going to take care of the kids? We can't just have Steezy babysit every time we're gone.

Squishy: We'll take turns. That way, while we're zipping across the galaxy, we can swap places now and then.

Sara: Who knows: this could be fun.

Chris: Yeeeah, it'll be fun, alright. Heh heh heh heh.

Jo: What's that supposed to mean?

Ackbar: Report to Corellia for further instructions on what to do.

Chris: And to procure your "special equipment".

Anna: "Special, equipment"?

Cope: Why do I have the feeling things have gotten gayer now?

Will: Man, this is gonna be one loooong week.

_And long it was. Our heroes embarked on the fruity quest of recapturing misplaced monkeys as a result of the Contractor's bid for annoyance. Using equipment created by the renowned Professor Whats-His-Face of Corellia, they go about snagging monkeys in a "Relocation Net" that would send them back to the Coruscant Planetary Zoo, which is either a reference or horrible rip-off of the Ape Escape franchise (very likely both). All the while, our fair Jedi had to endure many kooky monkey antics, much embarrassment, lost dignity, bad jumps resultant of a crappy camera, and a lot of hard-to-remove feces. As they plow on and on through the tedious task, they're all fueled by one burning thought: the Contractor shall die the horrible, b***h-a** death he deserves. We now rejoin our heroes giving off a bad smell and having caught their last monkey…_

(Show them panting, looking miserable and stinky)

Jo: Can't, take, this, crap, any, longer…

Anna: Never be clean never be clean never be clean never be clean-

Cope: Well praise any-God-that's-not-Contractor that was the last one.

Will: Yeah, so what? Is lack of dignity and sanity our big reward?

(A beeping comes from Squishy. He pulls out a commlink)

Squishy: Hello?

Ackbar: Squishy, Jedi, how goes your progress?

Jo: (Grabs comm) We've just finished the last one, and the showers on the pick-up cruiser better have an extra-scalding function.

Ackbar: Well it better be a quick shower. We've just found the Contractor's base. It's floating around Yavin 6, and it's best if you hurry.

Jo: Right-o. On our way. (Turns off comm)

Sara: Hooray! Payback time for our turmoil!

Will: The Contractor's gonna get it now.

Anna: I call the groin. No one go near it!

Squishy: But first we got to get to the cruiser.

Jo: Of course. Now, let's see…

(Pull back to show them on a rock that's atop a skinny precipice surrounded by many rocky peaks)

Will: Ohhhhh… Why must the last monkey always be in the most inconvenient places?

_So fueled by revenge, our heroes make haste toward Contractor's HQ, picking Sylvia up along the way. A beat down of massive proportions is sure to happen real soon…_

(Yavin orbit. By the 6th moon there is a large, rectangular black space station floating in space. Coming towards it is a small Mon Cal cruiser. On the bridge)

Ackbar: Alright, everyone. This is the station we picked up some hours ago. It has no affiliation with any planet or organization, so it has to be where the Contractor is. No weapons have been detected on the exterior, so there should be no resistance out here. Jedi, you are to go into the station via small shuttle and locate the Contractor. Since you have faced him before, you would be better suited for whatever he may throw at you.

Jo: Darn skippy.

Anna: Finally, a chance to whoop some biblical booty! Ha ha!

Sylvia: It was nice for you to come along, Steezy, but did you have to bring the kids?

Steezy: Why not? It's not often they get to see their parents act like heroes, plus they can behave themselves. Right guys? (Kids come over)

Kids: Yes uncle Steezy!

Squishy: Now kids, you be good to the admiral and everyone while we go teach a big bully a lesson.

Kids: Okay!

Sally: Be careful, Mom and Dad.

Sylvia: We will, honey.

Ackbar: If you are quite finished tending to your children, you must leave immediately. That station should have sensors picking us up right now, and we don't want the Contractor to escape. Go through that station and detain the Contractor as fast as possible, for the Republic.

Will: You can count on us, sir!

Sara: We'll bag him good!

Cope: With extreme prejudice.

Chris: (Pops up) And when you get back, we'll celebrate with shooters. Ariba! (Goes about the place chugging tequila and wearing a sombrero)

Squishy: Riiight… And we're off.

(Some time later, a shuttle is seen heading for the station. Inside, the Jedi step through a sliding door and stop at the start of a long hallway)

Jo: Okay, though we got in easy, it's gonna be hard the rest of the way. We've got to keep our guards up.

(There's a clang and the Jedi draw their sabers. Down the hall, many metal doors close in a line towards them before stopping a foot from them, sealing off the entire hall. An elevator opens to their left)

Anna: WTF?

Squishy: That seems… Oddly convenient.

Sara: I'm not sure about it.

Cope: I don't trust it.

(Goes over to sealed hall. He sticks his saber into the metal, and when he pulls it out, metal immediately refills it)

Cope: Well this may take a while…

Sylvia: The elevator may be the only option, Alex.

Will: Yeah, let's go with that.

Jo: Come on Alex.

Cope: ...Fine.

(They step into the elevator)

Cope: See? There aren't any buttons here.

(The doors close and there's a humming. The Jedi are a bit startled, but ease a bit)

Anna: So what now?

Squishy: I'd say we just enjoy the ride.

Sara: Fine by me.

(Silence. Soon the elevator stops and the doors open. They step into a room that is entirely pitch black, except for the Jedi. Upon stepping out of the elevators, the doors close)

**Welcome, My Creations**!

(A spotlight shines down on the middle of the room, and in the light is the Contractor on his throne)

Cont: Welcome to my abode. Pretty fitting for my ambitions, wouldn't you say?

Cope: Contractor, we and you have some business to finish!

Cont: Really? I thought this was an informal visit.

Jo: Cut the bull crap, five-head! We've had enough of it!

Will: You had us go around the galaxy cleaning up your mess!

Sara: You put people and monkeys in immediate danger.

Sylvia: You kept us from our kids even more!

Anna: I will never be wholly cleansed or fresh because of you!

Cope: So now we're gonna finish things right here and now!

Cont: Ho ho ho ho! Really? You sound serious. But alas, things are far from over.

Squishy: What do ya mean?

Cont: Well, for one, thanks for complimenting my voluptuous forehead. (rubs forehead sensually) And two, that was no mere mess you dealt with. Oh no, it was a cleverly-devised diversion to keep you guys off my back. I needed all that alone time to ready my empire, you know, ready the troops, build the fortress, harvest resources, etc., etc.

Jo: So that's all it was, a diversion?

Cont: No, not really. Being god, I can just make all that tedious assembly stuff happen with a thought. But I had a hoot watching you guys make utter fools of yourselves. And I did have a good time randomly possessing a monkey to hypnotize you into dancing like idiots.

Cope: You were the one that made me do the Macarena!? You b****rd son of a B***h!

(Runs at him and swings with the saber, but only hits number data and slices the throne. Numbers pop up nearby and form a standing Contractor)

Cont: My apologies. This is only a data projection of myself. My real self is busy living it up at our base on Mon Calamari.

All: Mon Calamari!?

Cont: Yeeah. I'm smooth like that. I have the whole planet to myself. In fact, in a few seconds, reports will be pouring in about how all Mon Cals and Quarrens have been evicted from their own planet. Yep, such an freshly-abandoned planet will be the perfect staging area for my galactic conquest.

Squishy: Mon Calamari? You monster! You won't get away with this!

Will: That's right! Once we get off this station and tell Ackbar and Chris, you'll have the Republic fleet so far up your a** your wang will be pulling double shifts in waste management!

Sara: Will!

Cont: Whoa-ho-ho! Such strong, vengeful words. You must really want me dead.

Sylvia: D**n straight!

Cont: Well, unfortunately, I can't let you do that just yet. I still have some more initiatives to take. Observe.

(Sticks out arm and a wall lifts to become a huge view window. They can see the stars, moons and the cruiser)

Cont: Now witness the power of this fully righteous kick-a** battle station!

(Opens hand. Outside, a huge section of the station raises out like a garage door. Light gathers within the void inside. On the cruiser bridge)

Steezy: Hey, what's that?

Ackbar: (Stunned) Oh sweet Force…

Kids: Pretty light pretty light!

(The light grows and grows into an immense ball. Then a huge white beam fires and hits the cruiser, turning it into one big fireball of scrap. The Jedi run over to the window)

Jedi: ADMIRAL!

Couple: KIIIIIIIDS!

(All the while, the projection laughs maniacally. Then)

Cont: YES! Sweet, sweet demonstration, perfectly executed. MAN I'm just so on top of it right now!

(Laughs. Sylvia turns around, trembling with rage)

Squishy: You murderous a**-hole mother-f***er! DIE!

(Runs over and starts slashing repeatedly through the projection in a fury with her saber)

Cont: Yes, my lovely! Give in to some of that hatred! Embrace the Dark Side for once; feel that raw satisfaction. Things have been a little boring around here without any Sith, am I right?

Squishy: Sylvia, don't!

(She continues the slashing)

Cont: Now then, while your precious galaxy mourns the loss of its dear admiral and mutant family, I'll have conquered half the galaxy before they've reached their second box of tissues. Yes, all ripe for the picking, a mourning can be.

Sara: (Shaking) What... are you? W-what kind of monster… are you...? You just killed their children and just laugh at it. You have no regard for life and you obliterate it for sick enjoyment… Is this whole thing some kind of game to you!?

Cont: No, Miss, this is war! And in a war you need to take initiative, get ahead of the enemy by smashing their emotions! Leave them shuddering and weak, by any means necessary!

(Squishy has managed to calm Sylvia and pull her away)

Cont: It isn't a time to play fair, oh no, ma'am. You heretics and rebels have run this galaxy for far too long, and now I'm taking back! And I'm doing it the way your governments would have it done: through unprecedented force! (Grows somber and faces Jedi) Nothing is ever sacred in a war, Miss Sara and Jedi. What you consider safe and protected is just as open to destruction as anything on the battlefield. People should learn to never become attached to many things, or else they're left open for immense emotional and psychological exposure and backlash. And opportunities like that are rarely ever passed up by an enemy. And speaking of opportunities...

(Snaps fingers, and various figures pop up around the group)

Will: What the?

Squishy: Nightmare Zero? Lladnar Twem? Bizarro Superman? Anti-Flash? Shadow Link? Heeeeey… These are _serious_ evil clones and doppelgangers. How the-

Cont: Yeah, I lied about allying myself with video game morons. So while you're busy fighting these guys, I'm off to harvest a Knowledge Bank. Ciao!

(Laughs and disappears. The Jedi huddle together and draw sabers before the closing crowd)

Jo: Well, looks like we've got to fight our way out.

Sara: I don't know if I can go on.

Will: You've got to, Sara! We have to warn everybody, and that means staying alive!

Sylvia: I might succumb to the Dark Side if I fight. That rage scared me. I-I don't know-

Squishy: You must fight, Sylvia! Things may be bad, but we still must… must… oh god, who am I kidding? I don't know what's what anymore.

Anna: This is just great! Being surrounded by bad guys right as you guys have to put up with tragedy and self-doubt.

Cope: Guess we've got to do this ourselves. Let's go, Will!

Will: Just look after those two or fight with us, Sara.

(They stand off for a bit. When they star to move, there's a loud thud and rumbling in the room. They look around to find the front half of a shuttle lodged through a section of wall. The top lifts up to show Ackbar, Chris, Steezy and the kids are all buckled up)

Jedi: Admiral! Steezy! Kids!

Kids: Let's go again let's go again!

Steezy: Hey yall! Sorry if we scared ya. That laser came real fast and we were all in a rush. Good thing we installed shuttles into the bridge.

Chris: Ugh… Keep it down. I have a hangover here. Sheesh!

Ackbar: Quick, hop in! We've got to get to Coruscant!

(The Jedi run over and leap into the crowded cockpit. The lid closes and the shuttle pulls out, creating a vacuum that jettisons the motley villain into the dead of space. The shuttle speeds away)

Sylvia: Oh, my babies! (Kissing noises) You're safe and alright! Oh thank God!

Rick: Mommy! Your hugs are too tight!

Steezy: Settle down, kids. Stay in your seats.

Cope: Ow! Your elbow's in my rib, Jo!

Jo: Well your foot's in my butt, Alex!

Anna: Quit it, you two! Be glad we're outta there!

Sara: Alright we're out! I could really use a cappuccino. You have a maker installed?

Ackbar: Quiet! You're messing with the controls.

(The shuttle rocks a bit about with more incessant rabble)

Chris: SHUT UP WITH ALL OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO TAKE A FREAKIN' NAP HERE!

(Things go quiet and the shuttle stabilizes)

Sara: (Whispers) Sorry…

Ackbar: Thank you. Now, what has happened in there?

Cope: The Contractor has taken over Mon Calamari. That's where his real base is.

Steezy: We know. We got a transmission about it before the cruiser got blown. It's all on this disk.

Ackbar: So then, we must return to Coruscant and round up the fleet to retake the planet.

Squishy: No! Not yet.

Jo: How come?

Squishy: Did you guys already forget? That battle station blew up a Mon Cal cruiser! It's a threat to the galaxy!

Will: Yeah, but, it's out in the middle of nowhere.

Squishy: We don't know if it has a hyperdrive installed! Listen Admiral, we can't let that thing do to the galaxy what it nearly did to us. You don't want another Alderaan, do you?

Ackbar: ...Alright. Upon reaching Coruscant, we'll get a small attack force to take it out.

Sylvia: I'm coming with it.

Squishy: Sylvia?

Anna: Count me in.

Sara: Me too!

Jo: We're here for you buddy.

Squishy: Wow… Thanks everyone. But Steezy, you've got to stay at Jawa Home with the kids for this one.

Steezy: Gotcha. No need to tell me twice.

Ackbar: Then it's settled. We'll go to Coruscant and strategize our attack there.

Anna: Good good, but how bout less stating and more hyperspacing already!

Chris: Chaser… Need Chasers…. Nooow….

(The shuttle leaps into hyperspace. Some time later, we see the station of doom just floating outside the moon. Then we pull back to see a marvelous sight. To preparation music, groups of A-wings, Y-wings, X-wings and B-wings fly forward followed by several Mon Cal cruisers and frigates and blockade runners. On the bridge of the Home One)

Tech. Off.: We are nearing the station, Admiral.

Ackbar: All squadrons, maintain position until we give the signal. General Chris, are you capable of sounding off the units?

Chris: Yeah yeah. Let's get this show on the road. Okay, uhh…. Ebon Hawk, are you ready?

Alex: Yes, already! Let's go!

Anna: Calm down. The bloodshed will start eventually.

Chris: Millennium Falcon, are you set?

Jo: Yep. Ready to rock and roll!

Chris: Good. Now SD-001-754 God that's a long-a** name! Are you there?

Will: Loud and clear, el capitáine!

Sara: Along with his co-pilot, too!

Chris: Nice. Now Century Sparrow II, are you ready to roll?

Squishy: H**ls yes we are!

Sylvia: For the sake of Steezy and the kids!

Chris: Right one, you two. Geek Squadron, are you up for this?

Ted: Yessir. It's about time we saw some action, right guys?

John: Yep.

Bill: Oh yeah!

Hugo: We're all going to die!

Chris: That's the spirit, Hugo! Admiral, all units are tuned in and ready to blow, sir!

Ackbar: Excellent. Now to all other ships, keep steady and strike fast unless I say different. This thing is deadly, and it must be taken out quickly. So good luck, and may the Force be with you.

All: Hoo-Rah!

(The ships speed forward. As they near the station, holes open up around it)

Jo: Careful, guys. It's doing something.

(Once the holes open, many shining glass slabs fly out and begin circling the station. They then spread out and hook up)

Cope: What the heck is it doing?

Will: Might be a defense measure of some kind.

(The slabs continue hooking up and forming a mesh. Then)

Cope: What the!?

Squishy: No way!

Will: You've got to be kidding me!

Sara: It's a, a, a, a,

Chris: Disco Ball!?

(Show a ginormous, glittering disco ball where the station used to be. The ships close in and stop before it with question marks over them. Then atop the ball, a platform rises out carrying a small boom box. Then it starts playing the "Star Wars Disco Mix" as the ball gives off that funky light. The fighters at front then start bobbing about, grooving to the bumping beat. Then when the song reaches its climax, several beams shoot out and blow away the dancing crafts)

All: HOLY C****T!

(Then to Star Fox 64 Boss B music, large hands come out the sides and a cylindrical head rises out the top. The thing looks at its hands before slamming the knuckles together and makes a threatening pose)

Chris: (Throwing out arm) Squash that cockamaroach!

(The battle begins! Ships fly all around the thing with lasers firing. The Disco Doom swings its huge fists around, destroying several fighters while firing off more of its beams. Every laser from the fleet that hits it bounces back)

Bill: Sir! Lasers aren't working on it!

Will: That thing clipped me a bit. I'm slowly losing power.

Squishy: I don't think a Cutesy Cannon will work for this one.

Hugo: I've got it! Die mutha-f**ker!

Ted: No! You're flying straight at the moon!

Hugo: I'm going to be a heroooooo!

Ackbar: (Slams down fist) Curses! What do we do now!?

Tech. Off: Well, sir… There's still one thing left to try.

Ackbar: And that is?

Tech. Off.: That thing Squishy cooked up some time ago to be used in extreme circumstances such as this.

Chris: You're crazy! That thing has never been used in combat before, and I haven't had time to practice my announcer's voice for it.

Tech. Off: But it just may be our only hope. What do you say, Admiral?

Ackbar: (After a pause) Fine… Give them the go ahead, General.

Chris: Alright. (Into comm) Squishy. Guys. It's time to bring out the big guns. Code 1337 Ah Yeh Son.

Squishy: Sweet!

Sylvia: What's that?

Squishy: Listen, everyone! It's time for our Sentai reference of the week!

Cope: Our what!?

Squishy: FORM UP!

(Pushes a button. Then to crazy anime music, the ships of all the Jedi fly to a certain spot. Then they start turning about with electricity crawling over them)

Chris: (With a microphone &amp; bow tie and speaking really fast) Ah yes, it finally seems they are actually doing it. When the wacky zany genius of Squishy is unleashed, the great Jedi shall combine their talents and power into one big ginormous being of ever so massive desfluction, desbluc-, distruc-, (Moves about lips, coughs and sips some water) A really big robot thingy!

(Turn back to ships which are now taking the shape of a very large mecha)

Cope: Hey! Why am I the crotch?

Ted: Okay, guys: It's showtime!

(Show the nerd ships flying toward the mecha)

Chris: And when the Geek Squadron bring their loyalty to the mix, they form up to become the ultra-spectacular über great mega deathdealing- (Breathes deeply) coolrific staff of Justice! God I need a lozenge!

(Outside, to the Power Rangers theme, the four nerd ships line up and fuse into a long staff that's grabbed by the mecha. On board)

All: (In a Power Rangers diorama thing) Yeah!

(All goes quiet as the mecha floats before the Disco Doom. The Doom scratches its rotund head in confusion. On the mecha)

Squishy: Okay, sound off! Right arm!

Jo: Ready!

Squishy: Left arm!

Anna: Here!

Squishy: Right &amp; left legs!

Will &amp; Sara: Right here!

Squishy: Groin!

Cope: Yeah… But why do we need a-

Squishy: Chest! (Alex: Grrr!)

Sylvia: Ready to roll, honey!

Squishy: Good! MegaZord Knock-Off 01, AWAY!

(The theme plays again and the mecha starts swinging the staff about itself. Then it poses and leaps at the ball. Then to Godzilla music, the two go into cheapo Japanese fighting with slow movements and cheap clanging noises whenever they hit. At one point, the ball hits the groin of the mecha. Inside)

Cope: (Screaming and clutching crotch) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! What The H**l!?

Squishy: Oh, I forgot to mention something: Your assigned limb is connected to your own limb, so if your part gets hit, you'll feel it there.

Cope: What!? What kind of-

Squishy: Continue the attack!

(The fighting goes on. Another crotch hit)

Cope: YAAAAHHH! (Another hit) OOOOOOOH! (Another) SON OF A B***H!

(When the ball swings for the head, the mecha side flips over so the crotch is hit again)

Cope: GEEEEEEEEEE! Why did you do that!?

Squishy: The head is the most important part. Besides, the crotch is the most well-protected spot on this mecha.

Cope: Well-Protected!? MY A**! (Hit again) YEEEOOOOOOOWW!

(This sort of thing goes on for a while until both bots standoff. Inside, Cope is curled up on the floor in agony)

Cope: Y-y-you b****rd….. I'm going to f***ing kill you for this… F***ing kill you!

Squishy: You're doing fine, Alex. The Pain-O-Meter is now full.

Cope: Pain-O-Meter!?

Squishy: Yeah. It's what's needed to unleash this thing's powerful attacks. You were an excellent reservoir for it.

Cope: WHAAAAT!? You had me set up from the very start! You deranged pile of-!

Squishy: POWER UP!

(Pushes a button. The mecha pulls back and glows and hums with an immense light. It then does some more staff twirlings and points at the ball. A sweat drop appears on the Doom's head. Then to DBZ music, the mecha flies at the ball and starts beating the living s**t out of it. At times it unleashes special attacks such as)

Sylvia: FRONTAL EXPOSURE!

(Where the ball gets slammed by a powered chest, or)

Jo: OMEGA PINKIE OF DOOOOOOM!

(In which the ball gets smacked in the head by a glowing pinkie. Soon the ball is dazed, then the mecha raises its staff over its head and collects energy)

All: ALL-PIERCING STAFF OF LIGHT!

(The staff is rammed into the ball and there's a blinding flash. When all can be seen, we see some of the mirror slabs gone and the station core is visible)

Sylvia: Hooray! The core is open!

Anna: Now let's blow this thing and go home! Huh?

(Suddenly more mirror slabs cover the hole and the Doom regains itself. It makes chortling noises)

Jo: WTF!? How can it be!?

Sara: Ah no, son! All that effort!

Sylvia: All that yelling…

Cope: My ability to reproduce, you a**-hole!

Will: What do we do now!?

Squishy: Calm down, guys! I know things look bad, but there is a solution. Obviously we've been doing this the wrong way. Staves don't decimate disco balls: hammers do.

Anna: What're you talking about?

Squishy: I believe it's time for us to don the PANTS OF DESTINY!

Cope: The what!?

(Outside, the mecha raises its arms and summons a large pair of pants over it. Then the pants descend and fuse with the mecha in a bright light)

Chris: What's this? Oh, man… (Puts back on bow tie and gets microphone) When our great heroes of fabulosity don the Pants of Destiny, they transform into the mightiest galactic being of devastation that any generation will instantly recognize!

(The ball starts charging up a large laser and fires at the mecha. Then a huge black hand rises up and absorbs the laser in itspalm)

?: Oh-no-you-just-did-n't!

(Pull back to reveal the massive pimpness that is the great M.C. Hammer!)

Hammer: No one shoots at: The Hammer!

(Expletives rise up from all over the galaxy at such a summoning)

Ackbar: What sort of preposterous f***-up nonsense is going on out there!?

Tech. Off: See? Told ya it was to be used in extreme circumstances.

(On the M.C.)

Jo: Squishy, what the f**k did you do to us!?

Anna: Yeah! Why the f**k are we MC Hammer!?

Squishy: Because only the Hammer can handle this situation, since a disco ball's greatest fear is of a black man in parachute pants.

Will: That's the dumbest s**t I ever heard!

Sara: Will!

Sylvia: Sorry, Squishy. My sense of reason and logic won't have me vouch for you on this. Plus, I think you're f**king nuts.

Squishy: No matter. MC HAMMER! SHAKE THAT FUNKY!

Hammer: Ahhhhhhh Yeah!

(Using his parachute pants, the Hammer shoots forward and comes face to face with the ball. The ball tries to punch, but they're all deflected by quick slaps from the mix master. Then he gets jiggy with it to duck and leap around lasers. The Hammer ends up next to the ball, where he pulls a cord out of his head and rams it into the Doom's head. In the Hammer)

Squishy: It all ends here, sucka!

(Pulls out a golden disk)

Anna: What, pray tell, is that?

Squishy: Just the groove needed to get this train a-chuggin' along.

Cope: Dumb-a**...

Squishy: Now then... (inserts disk) Show us your moves, MC!

Hammer: Without delay, little man!

("Can't Touch This" plays and the Hammer starts grooving. The ball also grooves and mimics the Hammer's moves and gestures. As the song goes on, the quick movements and body friction is causing mirror slabs to fall off the ball. Soon there is a neat hole showing the station)

Chris: Guys! Your gay-a** outdated dancing is actually working! There's an opening to the core!

Squishy: Then we don't have much time. Everyone, ready for Double Penetration Delta.

Cope: The what!?

(The Hammer swings to the front of the ball and holds it tight. Then the grabs the nerd staff and brings it down to his waist)

Cope: What's going on!?

Squishy: Hold on tight! Hit it, Hammer!

Hammer: (Girly) Heeee HEEEEEEEE! (Hammer rams forward)

Cope: (Raising up hands) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(The icon rams hard into the shocked ball with a mighty pelvic thrust, and replays two more times. Then everything goes still as there is an immense, blinding light. When vision has returned, we see mirror particles and space scrap where the two fighters were. Amidst the junk are the ships that made the mecha and staff, now separated and floating around lazily. On board the Century Sparrow II, Squishy and Sylvia get up off the floor)

Sylvia: Ugh… My chest…

Squishy: Hey, the ball is gone. The disco ball is gone! Whoopee! (Into a comm) Guys! Are you alright? We just killed that mother humper! Do you copy?

Jo: Yeah, I'm here. About bloody time, I say.

Sara: We're fine here. Right, Will?

Will: I still say all that stuff was really gay…

Anna: Buck up, chum. At least we're alive over here.

Cope: I'm still alive? Of course, I still need to kill you for what you did to me!

Ted: Man, what a bumpy ride that was.

Bill: My head…

John: Me arms….

Hugo: You know, I just saw God back there.

Ted: Naw, I think you just saw the Hammer's d-

Chris: Great job, guys! The disco ball of death is gone and you're all in one piece!

Cope: Somewhat, anyways…

Chris: Now hurry back to Home One. I managed to save enough tequila from the last cruiser to get everyone s**t-faced!

Fleet: YAAAY!

Ackbar: Not just yet, General.

Chris: Huh? Why not? It's party time!

Ackbar: No it's not. This isn't over.

Tech. Off.: What do you me-… Oh, right! Mon Calamari!

John: Dude! All this action made me forget! Dude!

Ackbar: We have to return to Coruscant and resupply. Then we've got to debrief, rest and move out the entire Republic fleet as fast as possible. A statement must be made first, of course. Now everyone, return to Home One and your respected stations immediately.

Squishy: Right, sir. We're on our way.

Will: No more wasting time. There's still a nutjob to take down.

Jo: That's for sure.

Cope: And once we get on the cruiser, I'll kill you, Squishy.

Ackbar: Prep the memory wipe chamber for Mr. Copeland's arrival.

Cope: What? No! Don't deprive me of my one true happiness! NOOOO!

(All goes dark. Then show a dark stage, where Ackbar walks up to a podium and gives an announcement. As he's talking, we see clips of preparations for war, in the barracks and the shipyards, aboard Jawa Home and other capital ships, soldiers suiting up and getting armed. All this is set to Gears of War 2's "Armored Prayer")

My dear Republic. It pains me to have to remind you of the dire events of past. At 4:51 p.m. two days ago, the entire population of Mon Calamari was spontaneously removed from the planet and into the recesses of space. Shortly afterwards, an attempt to assassinate me and our decorated General Chris was made. Though I, the general and several others survived this attack, many innocent lives were lost in this attempt. And even more lives were lost in destroying the facility that wished to bring further harm to this galaxy. We know who the enemy is, and that the assassin and the one responsible for Mon Calamari are one and the same. And that enemy... is God himself. Yes, it may be hard to believe, but our very lord and creator has declared war against all galactic life, and will do anything to destroy and smother it. Analysis has proven him to be unstable and incapable of being reasoned with for a peaceful compromise. Which is why I have called the entire Republic fleet to arms in taking back Mon Calamari and sending this being back to the external cosmos, and we are asking for volunteers to aid our cause. Whether or not you accept this situation or refuse to fight based on religious beliefs, let me say this: he is _not_ a caring God.

Not since the days of the Empire has the galaxy seen destruction so great and so discriminatory against all lifeforms. This "God" of ours is looking to match or expand the crimes and oppression of that Empire. Obviously he is a god who has fallen from grace and is looking to take out everything with him. But we can't allow this conquest to go on any longer. This Republic was founded on the beliefs of liberty and freedom for all life in the name of God. And if god wishes to take all that away from us, then he is not the god we have prayed to for our survival. This is but a God of War who wants to bring harm and impose his dictatorial ideals on us all. So we must stand strong and fight this threat to our freedoms! We must stand together and show this "creator" the full force of life's will! For by fighting back in full force can we show this cretin how great our free wills really are! So rush out with all your mights against this heinous foe with everything you got, and remember this:

Though the battle shall be long and strenuous, and that it may be your time to die, the Republic shall live on with the hopes and dreams of free living, as well as memories of your bravery and heroism! For this, citizens of the Republic, our esteemed soldiers and heralds of democracy, shall be…

Our Finest Hour!

(Show the blue sphere that is Mon Calamari. Then to military music the entire Republic fleet goes towards it, steadily clouding the screen. All goes black)

_So the war has begun…._

_Bring it, Mortals._

**To be continued...**


	3. Episode 2

**Star Warz**

**Episode [Target]:**

**Invasion**

_War! Yes, the galaxy is once again in a state of conflict. Only this time it won't be against nerds or cosplayers or any of that s**t. No, we're talking about the granddaddy of all bad-a** warlords: the Lord Creator, Contractor himself!_

_First it was a disruption of a massive celebration on Jawa Home. Then it was the takeover of Mon Calamari and the attempted assassination of Ackbar, Chris, Steezy, and the Jaa-Ruuk kids. Yes, the Contractor is pissed and raring for a galactic conquest of his grand creation!_

_So as the Republic fleet nears Mon Calamari, the Jedi ready for their most intense and thrilling show of a**-kickery ever! And along with that so do the hopes and freedoms of the galaxy lie… Ah screw this introductory crap. Let's get to the action NOW!_

(Mon Calamari orbit. The Republic fleet slowly closes in on the planet)

_Ah jeez not the slow set-up!_

(The air is alive with tension as music plays and fighters move about)

_Bla, bla, bla, blah bla!_

(Among the ships is Jawa Home, where on board)

_Come on come on get to it!_

(The Jedi are being briefed for the battle ahead of them)

_NOOOOO! D**n you preparatory plot sequences! D**n you to H**L!_

(In a large briefing room, several pilots and soldiers sit around a large projection sphere. Among them are the Jedi. At the top of the room is Ackbar)

Ackbar: Thank you for coming, everyone. The battle ahead will be our most intense and uncertain conflict yet. So it is important that all of you are briefed on our battle strategy and get an idea of what you'll all be facing on the planet. My personal technical officer shall make the briefing.

(Turn to Mon Calamarian in technician clothes and younger appearance, with considerably less gravel in his voice)

Tech. Off.: Thank you, sir.

(Turns on projection sphere to show a Mon Calamari model)

Tech Off: As you all unfortunately aware of, the entire native populous was ejected from the planet almost simultaneously. Only a being like the Contractor could have exerted such god-like powers, based on info and eye witness accounts from the Jedi.

Jo: (Shrug) Nothing to it.

Tech. Off.: Yes. Now, since this expulsion, the Contractor has managed to fortify the whole planet during the time of our absence. (Zooms in on planet atmosphere filled with red dots) These red dots that are systematically spread out are air defense platforms that work on a unique defense grid. When an enemy ship is picked up by one platform, all other platforms on the planet will fire projectiles toward that one spot. Thus, a single route of entry would result in devastating casualties with no captured air space to show for it.

Pilot: So what do we do then?

Cope: Simple: We make _multiple_ entry routes.

Tech. Off.: That's correct. By entering the atmosphere at different places simultaneously, the platforms will be too busy defending themselves to help the others, resulting in less widespread retaliation fire.

Ackbar: Thus our initial strategy shall be to spread out a moderate attack force to attack these platforms at the same time. With just one platform's defenses to deal with, each group should be able to take out each platform. With the platforms gone, air superiority shall be ours.

Tech. Off.: And that will give clearance for the next stage of attack.

(The projection changes. Now it shows an air station, the ocean and an island to the far right)

Tech Off: We believe most of the command stations for the Contractor's army are on these islands. There aren't many, but they're spread far apart and are heavily fortified. Employing an air raid would be pointless because of the air defenses and the fact we don't know what part of the islands the stations are on. So that's why we'll take the sea approach.

Ackbar: Our drop ships will drop assault craft 2 miles offshore of each island where they will head for shore and make a quick landing. If done fast enough, we should already have gained much land before an effective enemy retaliation is made.

Anna: But of course there is the threat of running into the enemy naval fleet, as well as facing greater resistance on these islands once we're there.

Will: Which is why we've got to make seafall immediately after taking out the defense platforms.

Tech. Off: Precisely. Now Jedi, you have been selected to lead the assault on the biggest island on the planet. Based on your intel on the Contractor's behavior, he would want the most fortified of these bases to be loud and proud on the largest strip of land.

Ackbar: Of course, much resistance is to be expected if this is true. So are you up for it?

Squishy: Sure. We're always up for a big challenge.

Ackbar: Good. So that ends our briefing. Report to your designated hangers and ships to receive a copy of this briefing and rest up. We shall be launching for combat in 1 hour. Dismissed.

(They all get up and leave. In one of the corridors, the Jedi are talking with Steezy, who's with the kids)

Steezy: So you're really going, huh sis?

Sylvia: Yep. I'm a Jedi, and I've got a duty to uphold. Plus that Contractor has some serious payback to receive.

Sara: So you'll be alright just here on the station?

Steezy: Yeah. I'll be fine and so will the kids.

Rick: Daddy, I want to come with you.

Anna: Sorry, kids. You've got to stay here.

Sally: But that man is mean and I want to hit him good in the nose.

Stan: Me too.

Squishy: Now now guys, you just can't come with us. It's too dangerous.

Rick: But we can take care of ourselves.

Sylvia: No kids you can't come! Listen, do you remember how scared and frightened we were and how I was when we thought you were gone forever? We don't want you to get hurt, and we don't want to feel that way anymore. This is a serious fight for us, and we don't want to lose you. Understand?

Kids: (Looking ashamed) Yes Mommy…

Sylvia: But we will do our best to take out the mean man quickly so we can come right back.

Squishy: And you guys can still have fun while we're gone.

Will: Yeah. So see you later, Steezy. We've got to go.

Steezy: Okay. See you around, guys, and take care.

Jo: We will. And record the action so we can watch it later.

Steezy: Sure thing, pal.

Sally: Be careful, Mom and Dad.

Squishy: We will sweetie. Be good.

(They leave. Later in a hanger on Jawa Home, the Jedi head for separate assault ships)

Will: Why do we have to go on these things? Can't we take our own ships?

Cope: We can't. Our ships are unable to carry the water craft needed for the land strike, and we're gonna need all the assault vessels we can get.

Anna: And to ensure these grunts have a better chance of survival once we're down there, we'll have to be split up among these ships to better watch their sorry butts.

Sara: Come on, Will. It'll be romantic with just us two on a ship.

Will: Sara…

(They all laugh)

Flight Off: Alright, people! Get onto the ships ASAP!

Sylvia: And away we GO!

(They get onto the crafts. All around the hanger, people file into the many ships. In another hanger, vehicles are being loaded onto other craft to military drums. Nearby, a line of troops are being addressed by General Chris, who's dressed in an officer's military camo)

Chris: Ooookay, grunts! Listen up! I shall personally lead the land forces for the island assault. You may be aware that I led the assault on Oceania some years back. You may also be aware that I was manipulated into betraying the Republic and nearly destroying this galaxy. Well the old me is back, and won't take any incompetence from anyone. When you're with me, I expect full efficiency and effort in being lethal, accurate and totally bad-a**. Now, Private Jennings!

Jennings: Yessir!

Chris: Am I wearing pants?

Jennings: Yes, sir.

Chris: Good, then everything's set. Now move out!

(Holds up a rifle, turns and runs off, revealing the pair of stilettos he's wearing. Soon all the ships are loaded and the hanger floor is empty. In one ship)

Pilot: Cargo doors are closed. Preparing for lift-off.

(Some switches are flicked, and humming fills the cocking. Then all the ships rise up and start heading into space through the hanger doors. Outside, even more ships come out of Jawa Home and other cruisers. They slowly move towards the planet and away from the fleet. On Home One)

Ackbar: Okay, everyone. Maintain group position until you're 1 kilometer from the atmosphere, where you'll break up into your designated groups. Fighters shall escort each group to take on any space resistance. After that, you should be clear for the platform assault. So good luck, and may the Force be with you.

(To Halo music, the ships move closer to the planet. Then)

Pilot: We've reached the break-up point. Disengaging and heading for attack vector.

(The ships disperse into several groups going in different directions toward the planet. After a while)

Co-Pilot: Picking up enemy fighters.

(Show some Tie-Fighters approaching)

Ted: Heh! Tie-Fighters. And they aren't crappy fan art either. All right guys, let's rock these punks!

Bill: Yeh-hoo!

John: Ah yeah!

Hugo: Mommy!

(The two fighter groups clash. There are many explosions and lasers that rock the ship groups. On one of them)

Jennings: Ohh s**t… We're gonna die!

Chris: Nonsense! This is merely the beginning of the fight. The real killing and bloodshed won't start until we're in the air.

Jennings: What was that?

Chris: Nothing, Private.

(The shooting continues until the enemy Tie-Fighters are destroyed, and then there's calm)

Ted: All targets have been eliminated!

Bill: Man that was fun.

Hugo: For you!

Ackbar: Quit the chatter! Is everyone alright?

Cope: Yeah, we're okay over here.

Anna: Same here.

Sara: Will and I are just fine.

Jo: I'm still here, lonely as ever.

Soldier: But you still got us, sir.

Jo: Shut up!

Squishy: And the missus and I are A-okay here!

Ackbar: Good. Now proceed to your assigned targets.

Pilot: Roger! On our way.

(The ship group shoots forward. On one of them)

Jo: Okay people, let's review the battle plan. We have been assigned to take out the defense platform nearest the largest island: Platform Omega G3. Oddly enough, it has the fewest defenses on it compared to the other platforms.

Soldier: Well that's a little weird, then. Why would it be the least defendable?

Will: (Over radio) Ah well. Their flaws are our victories.

Jo: Right. So we stay calm and let the pilots and fighters face this battle.

Pilot: We're breaching the atmosphere. Buckle up.

(They start to flare up for the descent. Meanwhile, on Jawa Home)

Steezy: Oh kids! I brought you some milk and cookies.

(Steezy walks into a play room carrying the items. However, he stops to see an air shaft with the grate lying beside it)

Steezy: Ohhh crud… (Eats cookies and runs off) KIDS!

(Back in space, the ship group has entered the atmosphere)

Pilot: We're now in the air. We should reach the platform in 5 minutes.

(They speed through the air. On one of them, Squishy is sitting in the co-pilot's seat. Out his window, a horseman android with wings flies next to the cockpit)

Squishy: (Noticing it) What the-!?

(The being looks at him and smiles)

Squishy: The Skiver?

(The being gives him a quick 2-finger salute. Then an immense cloud of other various robotic flying beings join him)

Squishy: Holy s**t!

Sylvia: (From back)What's wrong, Squishy?

Squishy: (Pointing out window) MEGAMAN ROBOTS!

(Chaos ensues. Alerts go off as the ship group breaks up amidst the whirling cloud of machinery. Fighters fall victim to such icons including Izzy Glow, Shade Man and Wind Man. People onboard the assault crafts get rocked about)

Ted: D**N! There's too many of them!

Bill: I got bees on my tail! I got f**king robot bees on my tail!

Chris: Pilots! We've got to retreat! Head for the platform NOW!

Pilot: Aye-Aye!

(The ships break loose of the conflict and speed away. However, the aerial robot masters are gaining on them)

Hugo: It's no use! They're gonna catch us! (Gets hit by an egg) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

John: HUGO!

Jennings: Holy Sweet Jumping Crap! What do we do, Sarge? WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOOO! (Gets slapped hard by Chris)

Chris: That's General, you bumpkin! Jedi! Use your Force powers or something to keep those things back!

Squishy: I've got an even better idea. Pilots! Slow down the ships just a little bit.

Pilot: Are you insane!?

Squishy: Just do it! Now everyone, follow my lead!

(Runs to the back of the ship and leaps to the ceiling. He opens a hatch there and leaps out and onto the ship's top)

Squishy: Now one guy outside for each of you!

Cope: What does he think he's doing?

Jo: I don't know, but it sounds like a plan at least!

(Follows suit. Cope sighs then follows as well. Soon four of the ships have Cope, Will, Jo and Squishy on top of them)

Squishy: Get ready!

(They turn about, activating their sabers. The cloud of enemies closes in. Then it arrives and the slashing begins. The Jedi leap and parry and block and slash at each Maverick and robot master that comes at them. They sidestep Tengu Man, they deflect Cyber Peacock, they uppercut Storm Eagle and they rip the wings off Bomber Hornet. Soon Squishy cuts down the batty Dark Dizzy who releases a small black ball of darkness that heads for Will)

Will: (Grabbing the ball) What's this supposed to be?

(Then the Skiver comes roaring towards him, making him toss out the energy ball. Suddenly the whole world turns into a negative and time stops. Only the Jedi are moving)

Anna: Hey, what's going on out there? Why's the sky all messed up?

Will: I don't know! I just threw this ball in my hand and suddenly this happens.

Cope: Will, what did you do?

Squishy: I know what he did! He gained a boss power from someone we killed.

Jo: Ohhh right… Mega Man bosses do that when you beat them.

Squishy: Yeah. And one of those powers was to freeze time.

Cope: So what're we going to do? Paint mustaches all over their faces and giggle as we flee?

Squishy: Nope, something much better. Sylvia! Throw up some sticky bombs. You guys do the same.

(Some seconds later, every frozen robot is strapped with blinking boxes)

Squishy: There we go. Now get back inside and push the throttle to full blast, and hurry! This time freeze is bound to expire.

(They leap back down into their ships and close the hatches. Then the world returns to normal and the ships blast away, leaving the robots floating in the dust)

Skiver: After them! Huh?

(He notices the blinking box. Then every robot explodes almost simultaneously. Back to the ship group)

Sara: Yay! We took em out!

Cope: We can't celebrate for long. Who knows how many more of those things are out there.

Chris: Right. Pilots, contact the other groups and warn them about flying robots from a retro game series... And try to make that sound more believable than how I said it.

Pilot: Roger.

(Sends message. Meanwhile, on a small supply ship, we see a room full of supply crates. In the middle of one pile, some items start wiggling. Then bursting from the pile comes the shrouded Rick, who looks from side to side. He turns back to the pile)

Rick: Okay, guys. Coast is clear.

(Stan and Sally crawl out of it)

Stan: Oooooh, I'm dizzy…

Sally: Yeah, it was bumpy in there. Rick, why did we come here? Mommy said we couldn't come.

Rick: Because they need our help. You know how they said we helped them when we were eggs? This looks like something they need help with, and I know they would like us to help out.

Stan: But what if something happens here?

Rick: Relax, it's safe in here. All we got to do is wait for bad guys to show up. Then we'll be able to help Mom and Dad out.

Sally: (Looking out a window) Wow… It's so pretty up here.

Rick: What do you mean, Sally? We've been here before.

Sally: Yeah, but I've never seen it from here. We're so high in the sky, I wonder what would happen if we fell from here?

Stan: Don't talk about it. You're making me feel sick…

Rick: Hey look guys! I found chocolate!

Sally: Yay!

Stan: I'll pass…. (Groans)

(Back outside, the ships continue their flight path. Then)

Pilot: The defense platform is in sight.

Sara: Really? Where?

Sylvia: Right in front of us.

(Show a large, white floating station with a cylindrical dome resting atop a T-shaped platform. Then from below rises up some more Mega Man baddies)

Squishy: Oh boy. Here we go again.

Chris: Okay people! Split up to divert fire and make your bombing runs! Fighters, keep those homo-robos busy!

Ted: Can do! Let's knock this b***h down, boys!

(The group breaks up. Then we get a vast diorama view of the many ships spinning around the station and dropping, spinning, shooting and blowing up. The ships deal with obstacles like Cloud Man's lightning, Air Man's tornados and Storm Owl's feather missiles. On the supply ship, things are getting rocky)

Rick: Hey! What's going on!?

Sally: Yay! Shaky!

Stan: My tummy… Ohhhhh, make it stop…

(Back out at the action)

Bill: YEEE-HAW! That's another laser turret down!

Chris: Great! Keep it up and that hunk-a-junk will be open for the kill!

(Away from the action atop the station, a person in green and white with a propeller on his back walks into view before the conflict)

Gyro Man: I'll show them who the fruity one is!

(He summons a cross-shaped propeller in his hand, then tosses it into the fray. The projectile spins through the battle and shoots through a ship, making it explode)

Chris: What in the blazes was that!?

(They all see the phenomenon)

Anna: What the heck is that!?

(The boomerang-thingy continues its path of destruction through any ship in its way. Meanwhile, Gyro Man sends out two more propellers into the fray to obliterate more hapless ships)

Cope: Well this isn't good!

Jennings: Now is it our time die, Sarge?

Chris: Yes, private, I do believe it is! And I'm a General you f**k-tard!

Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

(The three propellers line up and head straight for one ship. In the supply ship, there is a great tearing noise and a side of the ship comes off. There is immense wind flow and decompression as supplies start flying out. The kids are caught completely off guard)

Stan: What's going on!?

Sally: (Getting pulled out of ship) Aiyeeee!

Rick: Sis!

(Gets pulled out, followed by Stan. As they're free-falling and yelling, the supply ship above blows up. After some more falling, a propeller comes at them. Stan gets caught on top of it and goes whirling with it)

Stan: WOOoooOOOOoooOOOOaaAAAaaaHHH!

Sally: Hey! That looks like fun! (Another propeller comes by and she grabs it) Weeeeeeeee!

Rick: Good thinking, Stan!

(Grabs the final propeller. They then go about the airspace spinning and bopping flying robots. On one ship)

Pilot: What the heck are those?

Squishy: Hey! Those look like the kids!

Sylvia: (Knocking aside Squishy) The Kids!?

(Back outside, the silly air antics continue)

Stan: HEEEeeeEEeeYYyyy….. HHHoooOOOowwW DddOOoo WeeEE StoooOOOooPP TttThHeeeESssE TTHhhIInNNGggS?

Rick: I don't know… But why are you talking like that?

Stan: DdddIiiZZZzzYYY!

Sally: FUN!

(Back atop the station, Gyro Man is laughing maniacally)

Gyro Man: Mwuh ha ha ha ha! Now who's the worthless boss in an already crap game, HUH!? Wait… (Noticing his propellers acting funny) What's all this then? (Spots propellers coming at him) What the h**l!?

Rick: Here we go!

(The propellers continue moving and space themselves apart. Then they converge and make a delta conversion that goes through Gyro Man in a flash. He just stands there in a freeze-frame pose of agony)

Gyro: Well… That certainly sucked.

(Parts of him start sliding off. Then he goes off in several trademark boss mini explosions before going off in a big blast, leaving a hole atop the station. Above, the gyros disappear, and the kids plummet once again, but this time into the hole in the station)

Sylvia: KIIIDS!

(We see the kids falling through some darkness. Then they land onto a clean, white lab floor. After getting up)

Rick: Ayeee, my head…

Stan: My stomach….

Sally: Let's go again let's go again!

Rick: Sorry, Sal. Doesn't look like we can.

Stan: So where are we?

Sally: Looks like home, but scarier.

Rick: Must be the inside of that "Platform" they talked about.

Stan: So how are we going to get out of here?

Sally: Oh no! People saw us out there, they had to! If we leave, Mommy's gonna be sooo mad at us, and Daddy too!

Stan: Yeah! We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Rick!

Rick: Hey calm down guys! We can't be arguing now. We've got to find some way out of here.

Sally: But Mommy-!

Rick: She won't be mad at us. We helped them out back there, didn't we?

Stan: Yeah, that's right...

Rick: So let's find a way off this thing already. Let's check that door over there.

Sally: Exploration, Yaaaaay! (Runs off)

Stan: Sally, wait up!

(Runs after her, followed by Rick. They enter the door and walk into a large, bare room)

Stan: Nothing here…

(Sally starts forward)

Rick: Wait, Sal! There might be a trap.

Sally: But there's nothing here, Rick.

(Steps forward into an invisible laser line. Alarms go off)

Voice: Warning! Warning! Intruder detected! Beginning scan!

Sally: Whoops.

(The floor turns red and a huge scanning laser rises up through the kids and disappears into the ceiling)

Voice: Intruder threat assessed. Sending appropriate defense measures.

(The three group up. Little holes open along the wall-floor line, and filing out are little yellow hard-hatted mettolls. They form a large group that covers the floor and surround the kids)

Sally: What are these things?

Rick: I don't know, but there's a lot of them.

(The three and the mettolls stand off)

Stan: So what now?

Rick: Just follow me.

(They stand off a little more, then to "Venga Bus" Rick leaps and starts bouncing atop the hard hats, followed by his siblings. The bouncing flattens the tiny bots and gives them extra jump height. When they're not bouncing, they're dodging the mettoll's small fire pellets and throwing them at each other. Later on they're bouncing on the mettolls at different angles and even upside-down. When nothing's happening, they're still switching from floor to ceiling without moving)

Stan: Hey, why are we still going up and down?

(Pull back to show flashing club lights and the sign "Gravity Man's Zero-G Party!", and to the far right there's Gravity Man playing DJ at a turntable and the dancing bald guy from the Six Flags commercials. Back on the dance floor, the kids continue bopping mettolls as gravity keeps switching. At some point, Rick kicks a mettoll at Gravity Man, knocking him out and stopping the music. The bald man freezes in mid-dance and the kids return to the floor)

Stan: Whew! Glad that's over.

Sally: But I was having fun.

(Suddenly the bald guy leaps back into motion and onto the dance floor. Music plays up again as he moves about the room with his funky white man shuffle)

Stan: Run away!

(The kids scatter from the crazy old guy. They side step side-skips and roll from moonwalk knockoffs. Then when he sidles over to the right of the room, Rick throws a hard hat at him. The hat pulls his tie off, resulting in a quick explosion that ends the music and reveals an exit to Zelda music)

Stan: Hey, a way out.

Sally: But I want to run some more.

Rick: When we go through that door we can run for the exit, okay?

Sally: Deal!

(They go through the door and into a huge room of darkness)

Sally: Ricky, it's scary in here… (Door behind them shuts) Eeek! Mommy!

Rick: Calm down, sis! Everything's gonna be fine.

Stan: What now, Rick? I can't see a thing.

Rick: Don't panic. There has to be a door around here somewhere.

(There's a click and humming noise)

Sally: What was that!?

Stan: Maybe the lights are coming on.

(There's some streaming lights at the top of the room)

Rick: I don't think it's just the lights, Stan.

(Suddenly the place is flooded with lights. It is a very large, square room. Hanging from the ceiling is an immense round device with anodes all over it with some strange grill on the front and hooked up to the ceiling, like some red spiky metallic beach ball)

Sally: Eww… What is that thing?

Stan: Sure looks mean…

Rick: Relax. That thing isn't moving, so we have nothing to worry about.

(Eyes open on the contraption and look down. Then it encases itself in some kind of clear fluid and falls to the ground)

Stan: YAA Holy Cow!

(They leap away before it hits the ground with a boing. Then the fluid shield stretches and attaches to the ceiling, bringing the machine with it. It then hooks cords into ceiling slots and charges with electricity. Then it starts shooting down lightning that creates electric shockwaves)

Rick: (Leaping over a shockwave) Whoa!

Sally: Eeek! Run away!

Stan: Help! Help!

(Runs up and off a wall to avoid a shockwave. The machine falls to the floor and starts bouncing around, leaving puddles in its wake. Stan steps into one of these puddles, but can't move out of it)

Stan: Hey! I'm stuck!

(He struggles, as Sally comes over and tries to pull him out. The machine, meanwhile, has stopped below the ceiling slots and grafts up to it. As it attaches its cords, Rick jumps off a wall and grabs a cord, then uses his claws to claw his way through the cord. The cord tears and breaks, causing the machine to dangle from its other cord and losing its watery barrier. Then the cord snaps and the ball crashes on its side next to Stan and Sally. Behind the two, a mettoll walks in and does a double take at the scene. Then it uses high technology to make a decision in milliseconds)

Mettoll: Wait a minute! Those are the intruders! The same intruders that decimated the others and took out Gravity Man. And it seems they've taken care of the main guardian. Bu wait! It seems two of them are stuck on the ground, unaware of my presence. Meaning I could take a shot and take them out, leaving just the one to deal with! Okay, 5392, this is your big chance. This is where you single-handedly save this station all by your lonesome. Because today, you are the hero!

(Back in real-time, the mettoll shoots. At the same time, Stan breaks free, and he and his sister leap out of the line of fire. In slo-mo we see the pellet heading for a slot in the machine's underside that reads "Self-Destruct Hole: Don't Shoot!")

Mettoll: Ah mother f-!

(The pellet hits, and there's a big blast. Outside, a huge chunk of the station blows up, leaving a jagged, gaping hole in the side. We see the kids falling yet again through ai,r but they get grabbed by Squishy atop their speeding assault ship. Meanwhile, the station is being riddled with explosions as it begins a very slow, tumbling descent. Then it finally goes off in one big blast that takes out any remaining boss robots and results in cheers from the good guys. In the assault ship loading room)

Squishy: Kids! What the freak were you doing out there!?

Stan: We did it, Dad! We did it!

Sally: Yeah! We blew them out of the sky! Zam-Pow it was fun!

Rick: We helped you out like when we were eggs.

Squishy: Yes, but still you-

Sylvia: KIIIIDS!

Sally: Uh-oh. Mommy's mad…

(Sylvia storms in)

Sylvia: What's the matter with you!? Why did you betray my trust and endanger yourselves like that?

Stan: But, Mom, we helped out-

Sylvia: I don't care what you did! You had us extremely worried and frightened. And now you come here acting like it was all a game! Do you not care about what other people feel and suffer when you do stuff like that, huh? Do you?

(The kids look ashamed and stare at the ground)

Sally: Rick made us do it...

Rick: Sis!

(They all get hugged by Sylvia)

Sylvia: I'm so glad you're safe, though. But please, don't ever, _ever_ do that to me again. Alright?

Kids: Yes, Mom…

Squishy: Now, honey, maybe we should-

Ackbar: (Over Comm) Jedi Unit! Jedi Unit, come in! How fares the defense platform?

Jo: The platform's gone, sir. It's mission accom-

Chris: Hey! That's my job to report in! Anyway, the platform has been taken care of. So that's mission accomplished on our part, Él Commandant.

Ackbar: Well don't get too enthusiastic. While all platforms have been taken out, this is just the first part of the war. Now we're cleared for the sea landing.

Chris: Aye-aye, sir. We shall commence Operation Water Strider immediately.

Sylvia: Wait! Admiral, could you send a passenger shuttle here for a pick-up? We've got some stowaways on board. Specifically, our sneaky children.

Ackbar: Your children, you say? Can't imagine how they could have gotten aboard. I'll have a shuttle sent over, but make it snappy. Ackbar out. (Tunes out)

Rick: So we can't come along?

Squishy: Nope. You've seen enough action already.

Sylvia: Besides, you and your father will need some time to decide how to punish you when we get back.

(Groans from the kids)

Stan: Thanks a lot, Rick!

(From other ship)

Soldier: Yo, Rick, you suck!

Jo: Quiet, you!

(Sprays soldier in face with a spritzer bottle. Some time later, we see a shuttle leave the ship group for space. Onboard the assault ship)

Squishy: The kids are gone, and I made sure they were extra buckled.

Chris: Good. Now, commence the operation already!

Pilot: Yes, sir. Beginning descent.

(The ships move forward and downward. As they go through some clouds)

Pilot: We're nearing the drop point.

Cope: Alright, people! Onto the boats, now!

Jennings: Yee-Haw! We're going to war, Sarge!

Chris: Ah for the love of C****t you're hopeless!

(The ships break from the cloud cover and hover over the infinite ocean. Then, after stabilizing, the ships detach boats from their bottoms, which are two-thirds the size of the ships. After hitting the surface, the watercraft move forward as the ships return to space)

Pilot: We'll be back with supplies. Good luck till then.

(Back to the boats, they plow on through the waves at a steady pace and formation. In one of them)

Cope: Okay, let's look over the next stage of the battle plan. We are to go 2 miles through the water and take the island beaches by surprise. If we're quick enough, we can get there with little resistance from their land forces, or their navy. So suit up and get ready for battle.

Soldier: Yeaaah!

(Outside, a lookout scans the horizon with macrobinoculars. At some point he puts them down, looking confused, then looks through them again. Putting them back down)

Lookout: Uh, sir. You better look at this.

(Chris comes up and takes the binocs. After looking through them)

Chris: What, the, heck?

(Before the small fleet, there is a huge sheet of ice that spreads to all sides and goes on seemingly forever. The ships stop before the ice, and the Jedi leap onto it from their respective boats. They walk forward, looking around)

Sara: What is all this about?

Jo: I don't know. Some kind of weather anomaly, perhaps?

Will: Or obviously a trap.

?: I say it's a work of art!

(They turn around. Walking towards them is a little man dressed like an Eskimo who stops some feet from them)

Eskimo: Heya gents, and ladies too. What brings you to my neck of the ocean?

Squishy: Ice Man? WTF!?

Ice Man: Yes, it is I: the famed Ice Man. I'm the smallest, cutest and most hug-ably dangerous boss in all the Mega Man universe.

Anna: So what are you doing out here, short stuff?

Ice Man: Just keeping watch over my turf, which you guys are scuffing up with your boots. That's my what, homes.

Cope: Homes?

Ice Man: Besides, I can't have lamer cabrons such as you stinking up our great military empire. Nope, can't let that happen, my dear esés.

Jo: So whatcha gonna do if we just waltz on past you, little man?

Ice Man: Well, homes, then you'd have to face me in combat.

Will: Just you?

Ice Man: Yep. Me, and every single snow and ice boss in the Mega Man spectrum united.

(In a snow flurry, every single such boss appears behind the Eskimo-man)

Will: *Gulp!*

Cope: This won't be good…

Ice Man: Now, any final requests before I make salsa outta you banditos?

Squishy: I have but one humble request... Waltz Battle!

Ice Man: What?

Squishy: Will and Sara, follow me and Sylvia's lead. Jo, hit the music! Chris, turn them speakers up! Anna and Alex, get jiggy in your own way!

Ice Man: What's going on?

Cope: Yeah, what are you doing!?

Squishy: Heh, this fight just got classy. Let's slide!

(The two couples take hands and start sliding. The Space Channel 5 version of "The Blue Danube" starts playing from the assault boats as the two pairs waltz and skate about the ice, getting spotlights from the watercraft to highlight their movements. The music and ambience is also affecting the robots)

Ice Man: H-hey! What's happening!?

(Suddenly the robots become back-up dancers and waltzers. The couples continue their graceful sliding and dancing amongst the other dancing robots. At points, they pull off moves that bash robots in the face or knock them a good distance away. The other Jedi take out those that survive the graceful assault. Soon only Ice Man is left, but Sara delivers a high kick that punts the short guy far off past the ships and into the water. They go about dancing for a bit until a huge geyser bursts from the ice and stops the music. When the geyser recedes there is a great thud as a large, bulky blue robot shaped like a whale man lands some feet from the geyser hole and before the Jedi)

Anna: Who the heck are you supposed to be?

Whale-Guy: I… am Duff McWhalan: Head Grand Admiral of His Jigginess' Supreme Navy. My skills on the sea are matched by no other captain in the universe.

Jo: Uh-huh… And?

Duff: I have come to personally crush the resistors of the Great Contractor's Doctrine. My fighting abilities and power are on par with my mariner skills, meaning that you're all helpless to a power so great your pitiful organic brains would liquefy just trying to simply write it down for conversion.

Cope: Well, aren't you the little blow hole.

Old Guy: HI-Ohhhhhh! (Gets shot in face by private Jennings)

Jennings: I got one, guys! I actually got one!

Duff: Now, with the nonsense out of the way, it's time for me to send you to Davy Jones' Foot Locker®.

Squishy: Parley!

Duff: What? Parley? I'm no pirate you bloomin', barnacled scallywag! But, since you are about to die, I'll humor you a bit with false hope. What are your provisions?

Squishy: We shall humbly submit to your unmerciful beatings and possible icicle sodomy.

Sylvia: Squishy!

Cope: What the h**l are you doing?

Jo: Not the icicle! Anything but the icicle!

Duff: Heh heh, sounds promising. And what do you want in return for such submission?

Squishy: Just let us finish our dance... Hit it, Guys!

(The finale of the "Blue Danube" remix blares on as Duff is grabbed by the Jedi. He is then swung about the place in a mad dance as the floodlights go crazy over the icy dance floor)

Duff: Hey! Put me down! Stop this! Let go of me! Woaoaoah! Slow down, d***it!

(As he's swung around he gets punched and kicked and slammed into the ice. At the end of the song, the Jedi strike a pose and send Duff twirling and crashing some distance away. After coming to a stop, he struggles to get up, only to be eye to eye with the tip of a lightsaber being held by Copeland with the others around him)

Copeland: Who's the scallywag now, b***h?

Duff: Grrrr…

Jo: Now bow to us, slap me and call me Gee-Willikers!

Sara: Huh?

Duff: Over my cold, dead body frame!

(Raises an ice wall and leaps away and back on his feet)

Duff: Enough with this sissy crap! It's time to show you my true power, you miscreants!

Anna: You call that a threat?

Duff: Shut up!

(Raises hands in air and slams fists into ice. Then all at once, many robotic battleships rise out of and break up the ice sheet in one thunderous rush)

Squishy: Holy s**t!

Will: Back to the boats!

(They get back to the boats before the ice breaks away beneath them. Meanwhile, Duff has leaped high into the air and lands on the bow of some green killer whale-shaped vessel situated near the middle of the surprise machine fleet)

Duff: (Sticking out arm) ATTACK!

(Another chaotic battle ensues, only considerably wetter! The two fleets battle each other amidst ice chunks and endless water. There are many explosions on both sides and lots of grandiose splashing. At one point, some shapes speed beneath the water before a group of fish robots led by Bubble Man leap out and glide toward the Republic fleet. To add more chaos, Wave Man summons tidal waves to rock the ships and cause major disorientation. The Jedi are busy slashing at the enemies who manage to reach the boats)

Sylvia: Whoa! Things are getting rocky here! (Cuts down Bubble Crab)

Jo: There's too many of them! How are we supposed to deal with all this crap out on the sea?

Chris: Keep up the defense! We're all still here and they're bound to tire out! So stop freaking out already!

Jennings: (Muffled) YAAAHH! One of these puffer fish things just ate me!

Chris: Well shoot your way out, doofus!

Jennings: Oh, right. (Blasts his way out of his puffy prison)

(At the other end of the madness, Duff observes the battle as it unfolds. Launch Octopus runs up to him)

Octopus: Sir! The enemy is putting up a pretty good resistance! Our forces can't really faze them!

Duff: Right. Have Wave Man increase the flow, and fire more missiles, ASAP!

Octopus: Right away, sir!

(He starts waving around his tentacles. Wave Man notices the signal and increases the height and frequency of his waves as missiles are flying by. Back at the Republic ships)

Jennings: Uh, sir, I've been thinking about something.

Chris: What is it, Private? Can't you see I'm fighting motion sickness here!?

Jennings: Yes, well… You know how you said we should hold out until the enemy gets tired? Well, they're robots, and robots don't get tired like living things do. So that means _we're_ gonna be the ones to tire out, right?

Chris: Aw, bull honkey… (Vomits. Back at the enemy fleet)

Octopus: Sir! The enemy are still holding out, but not as much!

Duff: Good. Now for the finishing touches. Let's see what defense they have left after this!

(Braces himself, then after shaking a bit he opens his large maw and lets out a rapid stream of ice blocks. The blocks cover the Republic fleet in a sweeping pattern, denting boats and knocking personnel into the water. After the barrage ends)

Cope: What the freak was that!?

Squishy: Duff's main attack. But we can use it to our advantage. Just be ready to jump when I say so.

(Back at Duff's end, he readies himself and fires off another stream of ice blocks. But as they near the ships, Squishy leaps off his boat and runs along the tops of the blocks at rapid speed. The Jedi follow suit, looking silly while running über fast to counter the opposite speed of the blocks)

Anna: This is insane!

Jo: But it sure is fun as h**l! Yeh-Hooo!

(They continue to run. They rush up and down and hop over varying block patterns and formations, but slowly and surely they follow the stream into enemy territory. They deflect some blocks back at enemies and enemy ships and even slice some bad guys. However, the stream ends and the Jedi leap onto an enemy vessel. But along the way, Anna Force Grabs an enemy missile and turns it after the ship Wave Man is on, blowing it to smithereens. Regrouped, the Jedi go on to slash through whatever baddies are before them)

Octopus: Sir! The enemy has actually broken through the front line!

Duff: I can see that! Send troops after them NOW!

Octopus: Aye-aye!

(The Jedi continue their attack. As they leap from ship to ship, they slash up many foes and tear up many a vessel. Along the way, they fight robot sea monsters and other bosses. But at some point, Burst Man appears and encases them in bubbles, making them float around uncontrollably)

Sylvia: Hey! What's going on!?

Jo: I say it's bouncy time!

Cope: Oh God Jo don't start!

Jo: Too late! Wheeeee!

(They go about bouncing and bashing into enemies. Soon Squishy frees himself and destroys Burst Man, freeing the others. They get closer to Duff)

Duff: Grrrr… They've breached just about every defense and are tearing the fleet to shreds. Launch! Get out there and make sure those fairies don't get near me or the U-555!

Octopus: Yes, sir!

(Leaps away. On one ship, the Jedi run across its flat surface only to stop before Octopus' landing. He waves his tentacles around in a kung-fu fashion)

Octopus: Hee-YA!

Sara: Who are you?

Octopus: I am your worst nightmare, kiddies! I am Launch Octopus: Admiral McWhalan's second-in-command, and an unstoppable bad-a** at that!

Will: Yeah, yeah, and so were the other bajillion punks we killed over the years.

Octopus: Well, since this is routine for you, let's skip the talk and get to the killing!

(To Megaman X boss music, Octo leaps into the air and shoots missiles from his tentacles)

Squishy: Ah schmit!

(They run from the projectiles. Then Octo comes down and tries his four-armed martial arts on each of the Jedi. Then after they're flung onto a small cruiser, Octo charges up and then fires an immense stream of missiles. The Jedi run from the pursuing stream, which leaves a swath of destruction of all ships in its path, resulting in them blowing up not long after the Jedi leap from them)

Duff: No No No You Idiot! Watch your bloody fire you flaming idiot!

(After the barrage ends, most of the fleet lies in ruin. Then the Jedi land around Octo, cut off his tentacles and impale him. He stumbles around with the sparking hole in his chest)

Octo: Gah… You… you think you're so great, don'tcha? Well… since I'm bound for the abyss, I'm taking you with me!

(He runs at them. Will leans over and manages to pull Depth Man out of the water to the side, then uses him to bat Octo off into the sky, where he explodes in a pretty large bang)

Anna: What a nub.

Will: Come on, let's go!

(Still using Depth Man as a club, Will and the other Jedi continue their boat hopping)

Duff: Well... Seems like I'll have to do this myself.

(Leaps into the air. On a long carrier, the Jedi come to a stop when Duff lands before them, shaking the boat. They stand off)

Jo: Ah… Admiral McWhalan. Us meeting again, and so soon in light of things.

Squishy: Ready for another waltz?

Duff: No. No more fruity dancing. We're going to fight like men. Not as sissies, or pansies, or fairies, or quadrupedal organisms. Just as men; right here and now!

Sylvia: Wow… You're really serious about this.

Duff: Yes, I am. You warriors have decimated my fleet, eliminated many of my troops, and killed my best mate and friend. And now you seek to finish the job, but I won't let you. I have devoted my services and life to defend my superiors' will, and I'll be d**ned if you're going to harm them without a worthy fight from me.

(Everyone's a bit teary-eyed from the sheerness of the moving speech)

Squishy: Hmmm, I see… I for one, am humbled by your speech.

Sara: Yeah. It was beautiful.

Anna: So honorable, daggonit!

Jo: Yeah. Come on, guys. We fight like men for this one. That goes for you ladies, too.

Anna: Aye.

(They draw their sabers, but Will holds up his "club")

Will: Hey, mind if I use this?

Depth Man: HELP!

Duff: (Contemplating) Nah. Use whatever suits you.

Depth Man: No, sir! NOOOO!

Duff: Now, brace yourselves.

(They ready themselves as serious fight music plays. Then the two sides rush at each other and clash! The Jedi swing and slash while Duff unleashes a flurry of fast, heavy punches. The Jedi get nimble and jump away from Duff over other ships and try to hit him, but he proves deft at dodging as well. Duff fires some ice, but they get deflected back to him, forcing him to bash them apart. This stalemate exchange continues until an inner voice is heard within Duff's mind)

Inner Voice: Duffy, what are you doing? Destroy those pests already!

Duff: I'm trying. I'm engaging them in honest combat, and I shall be the victor.

Inner Voice: Well, where's the victory? Where are the limp, bloated corpses?

Duff: I'm wearing them down. In time, they won't' be able to withstand my attacks.

Inner Voice: But it's taking too freakin' long! I want those people dead! Start unleashing your rage and throw some ships at them! Show some muscle already you blockhead!

Duff: The fleet is ravaged enough as it is. I want to preserve it, thus I'm fighting carefully.

Inner Voice: Then start throwing soldiers at them! They've been pretty useless just standing around and shooting at those guys.

Duff: But I could never harm my troops!

Inner Voice: Bah! Your troops are expendable. They're freakin' robots! We can make more of 'em.

Duff: NO! They're my brothers! I refuse to use them for such a desperate tactic, nor shall I ever employ such a tactic!

Inner Voice: Hmph! Fine… Then I'll just have to activate your override commands. Then we'll see who'll fight "carefully".

Duff: No wait, don't!

Inner Voice: Too late, Whale Boy!

(There is a piercing electronic ting that brings Duff to his knees, groaning and grabbing his head. A message appears in his CPU)

**Request Data Confirmed**

**Protocol 4: Berserk Status, Initializing...**

**Online**

(In the real world, the Jedi watch as Duff continues his cringing)

Cope: What's his problem?

Will: Maybe he's now realizing how futile it is to fight us.

Depth Man: Somebody Save Me! I'm Getting Air Sick!

Will: Quiet you!

(Duff's cringing stops. He slowly gets up with his head down)

Squishy: Uh… Duff? Duff man? Helloooo. Are you alright?

(Duff raises his head über fast with flames in his eyes. Then he rushes over and swings wildly with freakish speed at the Jedi)

Jo: Holy cow! What's all this!?

(After the Jedi disperse, Duff heads for Will. When Will brings Depth Man to bear, Duff smashes off half the robot with a fearsome punch, leaving the other half to explode, sending Will flying)

Sara: Will!

(As the Jedi approach him, Duff does a quick spin that creates a gust that sends the Jedi sliding back. Then mini hoverjets open on Duff and he rises into the air. An aura surrounds him and he starts to growl)

Sylvia: That… can't be good.

(Duff rotates and launches at the Jedi. He unleashes an immense flurry of punches and jabs that the Jedi barely manage to dodge. They do all sorts of leaping between ships, though Duff's great speed and bulk leaves huge dents in everything he lands on. Soon he has Cope cornered on a small carrier, and after failing to hit the skinny combatant, he leaps across the fleet to another ship. Then he uses his newfound strength to lift the vessel and toss it at Cope)

Cope: Holy H**ll!

(He brings his saber up in an upward slash and in slo-mo his saber cuts through the whole width of the ship so that it splits around him and passes by, soon exploding some distance away)

Jo: DUUUUUDE! (Duff appears next to him) AW CRAP!

(Duff gives off more attacks. He manages to violently back-hand Jo, sending him skidding toward the back of the boat. As Duff approaches him, Will leaps out of the water behind Jo, carrying Bubble Man in one hand)

Will: Batter-up, whale dude! (He tosses the small diver at Duff)

Bubble Man: WAAAAAHHHH!

(BM hits Duff in the face, making him stumble back disoriented. Squishy comes from behind and grabs his tail)

Squishy: I've always wanted to do this!

(He begins spinning, taking Duff with him. They create a blurry whirlwind before Squishy lets go. Duff goes flying and crashes into a gunboat, causing it to explode. The Jedi regroup)

Anna: Yeah, we did it!

Sara: Will! You're alright!

Will: Ahh, it was nothing.

Jo: You really saved my butt back there.

Will: Yeah I did. But Squishy helped out, too.

Sylvia: Yeah, Squishy. You were pretty good at making a tornado of yourself.

Squishy: Well, it's moments like this where years of excessive gaming comes in handy.

Cope: Right. Anyway, now that that's done, let's head back to the boats and report a mission suc- (There is rumbling) Oh what now!?

(At the gunboat, Duff bursts from the wreckage, roaring and holding a huge missile over his head)

Jo: Come on, already!

(Duff heaves and tosses the missile at them with serious heft. The Jedi leap away so that the missile soars straight for the green killer whale ship. In milliseconds, something happens in Duff's CPU)

**Threat Detected**

**Overriding Protocol 4 with Priority 1…**

**Normal Status Online**

(Duff comes to his senses)

Duff: NO!

(He leaps all the way to his capital ship and stands before the missile. The projectile connects, and there is a blinding explosion. When everything clears, we see the carnage. All the ships in the fleet are now hunks of scrap, observed by the Jedi who stand atop a large piece of floating wreckage. Nearby, the whale ship is a big wreck with holes and tears all over it. Atop of its bow is Duff, sparking and missing his legs, one arm and his tail. The ship begins to slowly sink)

Duff: (Tender music plays as he coughs electronically) Heh. It… seems I couldn't save her… My sacrifice was... in vain. My beautiful U-555… Why did it have to end like this? Why?

Jo: Duff!

Duff: Ah, it's you guys… That was some fine fighting you put up back there. Too bad I can't remember all of it...

Anna: What do you mean?

Duff: I was different. I…. wasn't myself. I fought with blinding, merciless rage. I didn't know who I was….. Yet the programming has always been there in me. And only too late could I do something about it. Pity... Some admiral I turned out to be, eh? (Laughs and coughs)

Sara: Don't talk like that. We can fix you!

Sylvia: Yeah! Just hang in there until we pick you up!

Duff: No. My time has come… I'm too far gone for any repair team to do me any good.

Squishy: Don't say that! Just resist the urge to explode! You can do it!

Duff: I won't. I refuse… (Raises arm) This hand betrayed its fleet and destroyed its own vessel. I can't allow it to exist any longer. Besides… The captain always goes down with the ship. At least I can be a good admiral in that regard…

Sara: Duff...

Duff: Fair warriors. You have been… the best opponents I have ever faced in a long time. I now realize that I've given my honor and devotion to people who don't care for either of those. Who count every soldier as a statistic, and not a person... These are people, who don't see that Reploids like me have feelings... have emotions… have a sense of good and evil… feel pain… and die like anything else organic. People like that... deserve to be punished by people like you. Those of justice and of equality. Yes… People I would be happy to serve…

Will: Duff… You would have made a great admiral for the Republic.

Duff: Heh, possibly. Maybe in another life… If such a fate exists for us machines. For now, I'll return to the abyss, which I love so dearly…

(The ship and Duff go below the surface. Some seconds later, there is a large glow in the water and an immense submerged blast that creates a burst and shower of water over the dead fleet. The Jedi just stand in the salty rain)

Squishy: Contractor… Even more of his doing.

Cope: There is still more yet to be seen in this war.

Anna: Something as overblown and taxing as this?

Will: It's possible. That's the nature of war… But we can't worry about it now.

Jo: Yeah. We just got to push on so that we can end this fight quicker.

Sara: And how...

(One of the Republic boats pulls up to them)

Chris: Guys! Get back on the boats! We still have a war to win!

(They leap back onto the boats. Will pauses, and turns back toward the water)

Will: Adios... Admiral McWhalan.

(He leaps onto a boat. The fleet then makes its way through the wreckage and back into open water)

Ackbar: (Over radio) General Chris! What's your status?

Chris: Fine, sir, though we hit a little snag.

Ackbar: Snag?

Jo: Yeah. We ran into the enemy naval fleet. We took em out, though, but we've had few losses. Nothing major.

Ackbar: Yes, well, the other groups met some sea resistance as well, but have pushed through regardless. However, this delay is bound to have given the land forces time to prepare a beach defense perimeter. So hurry to the insertion point as quickly as possible, and we may still make a swift enough assault.

Chris: Aye-aye, sir. Over and out.

(Turns off radio. Some seconds later)

Sara: Hey, Will?

Will: Yeah?

Sara: I've been thinking…

Will: About what?

Sara: You know how Duff said he devoted himself to defend his superiors' will? He meant the Contractor, right?

Will: Yeah, pretty sure.

Sara: But he said it as superiors', as though there was more than just one superior.

Will: Huh. Actually, it kinda sounded pluralized. But then, who else would be overseeing things besides Contractor?

Sara: Yeah. It's weir-

Captain: We're a mile offshore! Get ready to land!

Cope: Right people, let's suit up!

Soldiers: Hu-Rah!

Chris: Hey, I'm supposed to say that!

(Later, we see the empty ocean with the sun and clouds high in the sky. The fleet moves steadily through the water to the ominous opening of "The Landing" from FFVIII. On one of the front boats, Jo stands against the wind and looks at a piece of paper. It is crumpled with crude crayon drawings on it depicting a malformed Chris atop some malformed boats going at an equally malformed island covered in indistinguishably malformed robots. Jo cringes with disgust and throws the paper away. The paper flies off past other boats and is snatched by Cope on one of them. He looks at it, crumples it and looks forward. Approaching them is a growing island filled with trees and a mountain peak near its center)

Captain: Nearing the island. Deploying Jet Ski Ops.

(All the boats deploy jet skis carrying soldiers with beam rifles. They line up around the fleet and raise their rifles. At the beach, we see Junk Man standing before a long line of cannons and looking out toward the water. Back to the ships, the people on deck get below deck. As the music reaches the crescendo, Junk Man sticks his arm at the fleet)

Junk Man: FIRE!

(The cannons fire and bombard the approaching ships. Ships and jet skis are blown apart as the ocean erupts in water pillars from missed hits. The other ships weave around in the water and try to maneuver around barricades that rise from the water. A jet ski hits one such barricade and launches off high into the air, yelling out of sight. Soon the boats return fire and manage to reach the beach. Upon hitting sand, the front parts open and land speeders carrying the Jedi speed out into the forest while sending turret fire at the enemies)

Junk Man: (Turns to woods) After them!

(Head gets shot off. Turn to one open boat where Chris is standing with his gun smoking)

Chris: Come on boys! You want to live forever? Then MOOOOVE OUT!

(Droves of soldiers storm out of the boats, screaming and firing. Back in the forest, the land speeders weave through the trees and over many logs and foliage. Eventually)

Sylvia: What's that?

Jo: Crap! It's a blockade!

(The speeders slow to an abrupt halt before a huge gate made of large tree logs. Along its top)

Robo Soldier: Ha! We gots you now!

Robo Soldier2: Bring out the cannon!

(A huge laser cannon is rolled out onto the gate top. Before they get it activated, they hear a yelling noise and stop to look up, only to see the jet ski from earlier plummeting towards them. He crashes with explosive force, creating an immense shockwave of dirt, dust and debris. After it clears, the Jedi see the gate in ruins, fire on the sides and a large, narrow v-shaped opening in the middle of it)

Squishy: Huh… That was unusually convenient.

Jo: Guess this is where we hoof it. That hole's too narrow for the speeders.

Will: The base shouldn't be too far from here, anyway.

Cope: Right, so let's get going.

(They get out of the crafts and head through the hole. We watch them trek through the sweltering jungle for a while, with Squishy constantly swatting things around him like a girl)

Squishy: Gah! Bloody insects! Leave me alone! Curse the ponds that hath spawned thee! Eeek! They're in my ear!

Anna: Squishy, quit complaining already!

Squishy: I can't! I'm going through torture over here! I'm not adept to these things!

Cope: For God's sake, Squishy, you lived in the freakin' desert a good part of your life. How could you not be adept to this?

Squishy: Well, at least in the desert I was on a Sand Crawler that tended to _not_ cater to all types of insects. Or at the least the one I was raised on didn't.

Jo: You're such a baby, Squishy.

Squishy: Yeah, well I ain't no jungle man either!

?: Ahhhhh, the midget's missing his bug spray?

Sylvia: Who said that?

?: What? Can't see us?

Will: Show yourself!

(Some figures leap amidst the brush)

?: Could you see us then?

(More rustling and leaping shadows)

Anna: What's all this?

?: God you organisms are sooo slow!

(Two identical heads pop out from the canopy above)

Cope: Who the heck?

Search Man: It's Search Man you dolts! And his second head, too. And we got our eyes on you!

(Pull back into foliage)

Jo: Get back here!

(A lizard bot materializes next to them and pokes Jo in the butt with his spikey tail)

Jo: Wah!

Sting: Hehehehe. Pathetic city dwellers. The jungle is too much for you. (Disappears)

Squishy: That's what I've been telling them!

Sara: What's going on?

(A rose head pops out of the ground)

Axel: You can't tell? You're surrounded, babe, and there's nothing you can do about it.

(Goes back into ground. There's laughing and more leapings around the Jedi)

Sylvia: Will you cut it out, already!

Sting: Nah, we prefer to keep doing this.

Search Man: And besides, whatcha gonna do about it? Yeah punks, what?

Axel: We are one with the jungle, and vice versa. We choose to be as unseen as we want, because this our turf.

Sting: So if you want to fight us, you'll have to cut down this entire jungle. Of course, by the time you're done, we would have taken you out before you found us.

Search Man: So what's it gonna be? Beg for mercy and die? Cut down trees and die? Or you could do us all a favor and kill yourselves right here and now. The choice is yours, and yours alone.

Sting: But we're getting pretty impatient! Yee hehehehehehehe!

Cope: Ah screw that! Come on guys, start chopping trees!

Squishy: No! That's what they want us to do!

Anna: Then what do you suggest, genius?

Jo: Hold on... It just occurred to me. Squishy, these are bosses from Mega Man games, right?

Squishy: Yeah?

Jo: And if I remember, they all had some kind of weakness that made them die super quick. Am I still on track here?

Squishy: Yeah you are.

Jo: Good. Then I may have something.

(Steps forward a bit)

Sting: Oooh! The Mullet Man's doing something.

Search Man: About time!

(Jo reaches into his robe and pulls out a rectangular item)

Search Man: Say, what's that?

(Jo clicks the lid off the lighter)

Axel: What're you doing?

(Jo clicks on a light with gasps abound)

Axel: Wait! Think of what you're doing!

Sting: Yeah! Don't' do anything stupid, you hear me!? Nothing STUPID!

Sara: What are they all freaked up about?

Squishy: Oh, I got a pretty good idea of what. (Tosses lighter into the brush)

All: NOOOOOOOOO!

(The flame hits the plants, and suddenly the whole area around them bursts into flames with bloodcurdling screams. There are many squirming, flaming forms that fall to the ground all crispy. About 6 bodies have fallen to the ground after the flames die out)

Cope: What the h**l just happened?

Jo: Hmph. As I also recall, those weaknesses were usually obvious as f***. Seems my hunch was right.

Sylvia: Huh. Well, good call there, Jo.

Squishy: Yeah, nice one.

Anna: But since when did you smoke?

Jo: Hm? Oh, not for a very long time. I just keep the lighter around cuz you never know. Though I'm gonna have to get a new one now...

Cope: But anyway, the way is cleared at least. Let's just go on ahead.

Sara: Agreed!

(They continue their trek. Eventually, they reach a line of shrubbery where Jo signals them to stop. He then motions them to look through the bushes. After getting a good view of the other side, they see what appears to be a large depot station, with warehouses and train tracks and other such structures. Various robots are milling about it, doing work)

Jo: So what do you make of this, Will?

Will: Seems to be a checkpoint of some kind.

Cope: But it doesn't look like a base of any real importance.

Squishy: Meaning we've been walking through a hot, sticky, unclean jungle just to find some checkpoint!?

Anna: Calm down. This is still an important find.

Will: Yeah. Destroying this place could hinder the enemy.

Sylvia: Plus it could help out Chris and the others.

Jo: So it's agreed. We find an ammunition dump, grab some explosives and go to town.

Cope: Now that's something I can go with.

(Someone coughs sternly behind them)

Squishy: Oh crap…

Will: Spoke too soon, eh Alex?

(They pull out of the bushes and turn around to face two robo commandos with raised weapons)

Commando 1: Say, what are a couple of meatbags doing spying on our property?

Sara: Spying? Uh, we weren't spying, we were just, uh, um…

Anna: Assessing!

Sara: Yeah, that's it! We were assessing your property. We're environmental inspectors looking for any violations, and I'll have you know that the consequences for having just one violation are incredibly dire.

Commando2: Okay cut the bull s**t already. We have a no human/midget/alien policy on this island, plus we have orders to shoot any and all trespassers.

Will: Well don't you find it strange that you're working for a human if that's the case?

Commando1: Just shut up and die.

Jo: Right, sure, we'll just stand here and HOOAAAH!

(Stabs one commando in crotch with saber, causing him to grab it and writhe)

Commando2: Aieee! My nodes!

(Dies. Then his partner gets his head chopped off by Anna. A group of commandos round a corner near them)

Robot: Hey, those guys just offed Bob and Steve! Get 'em!

(They give chase)

Jo: Run Away!

Jedi: Run Away!

(They run off into the jungle with the patrol hot on their heels. They run amidst groups of trees, often switching positions and even swinging between them at a quickened pace. Soon they're back running regularly but with the possé closer behind. But before they're snagged, they fall down a slope that the patrol stops at. The Jedi continue this slide until they're dumped onto a flatbed train car loaded with wood blocks. After brushing themselves off, the car gives a jolt before moving along with a bunch of other cars attached to it. The convoy increases speed as it pulls out of the depot station and into the jungle)

Anna: A train?

Squishy: Well isn't this a real kicker in the right direction.

Jo: Okay guys, new plan: we get to the engine and commandeer this locomotive. It should take us to the enemy base.

Will: Right, then let's go.

(They start their trudge over the cars. After a bit)

Cope: You know something? I can't see the engine. These are all low level container cars &amp; flatbeds, so we should see something at the front.

Anna: It's probably a small robot doing all the pulling. I mean, why not?

Sara: If we keep going, we just might find out for sure.

(They move on. At the front of the train line, we see the choo-choo guy Charge Man chugging along, pulling the convoy and huffing away)

ChargeMan: (Pants like crazy) I better be getting overtime for this crap!

(Back to the Jedi, they step onto a metal, flatbed car. Several mini turrets pop out into the open)

Jo: Geez Louise!

(They dodge the oncoming fire. Back at the front)

Charge Man: What the fickle?

(Pulls out a car's side mirror. He sees the commotion ensuing behind him)

Charge Man: Hoi Malone! (Tosses side mirror and pulls out walkie talkie) Yo SB, listen! Charge Man here. Some robed guys are on the train, and they're lookin' to take it. I suggest you hurry on over here ASAP-like, capiche?

(Puts away talkie. Back to the Jedi, they have taken out a few turrets and work towards taking out the last one. Will gets the honors to slice it up)

Will: That was a close one.

Sylvia: Meh, it wasn't that bad.

Cope: Annoying, though.

Jo: Enough chatter; we've gotta move.

(Before they take five steps, a huge crate flies in and lands in front of them with a wooden bang)

Cope: What the h**l?

Sara: Hey, what's that?

(They look over the side and behind them. Running along the ground and catching up to them steadily is some weird lion/humanoid robot. When it's beneath them, it leaps high into the air and crushes the crate with its feet while landing to face the Jedi)

Squishy: Whoa!

Slash Beast: D**n straight that's "whoa!" I don't go throwing boxes to stretch my arms. I need effects with my entrances so as to show off my rock-hard bod. (Strikes a manly pose)

Anna: (Sigh) And what happens to be your name?

Slash Beast: I am Slash Beast. I'm in charge of railroad security and maintenance on this island. I received reports of a train robbery in progress. Might you be the perpetrators of this felony?

Sara: Oh come on, do we look like mean ole perpetrators to you? (Looks cute and blinks eyes)

Beast: Well let's see: you are the only bipedal intelligently conscientious people around with opposable thumbs needed for such a crime, except for the lizard over there.

Sylvia: Hey screw you!

Slash Beast: Gladly. But first, I'll need to hear your reasons for stealing this train so that I may ignore it and kill you where you stand in a most brutal fashion.

Jo: Ooookay… Well, we were going to take this train so that we could-

Slash Beast: Explanation time is over! Now is the time for death dealing!

(Activates beam claws, followed by saber lighting from the Jedi)

Slash Beast: To assist me in this endeavor, you will also be facing my Mega Man counterpart: Slash Man.

(From a pile of wood blocks pops out an orange-haired Wildman midget with Wolverine claws. He leaps around while cackling madly)

Slash Man: Whee hee hee hee! Fun fun fun! Kill kill kill! Going to see blood! Guts! Gore! Flesh! Pain! The demons in my feet will be pleased! Whee ha ha ha ho heh heh ho hee heyhey!

Slash Beast: Uh, Slash, could you uh,(ignored) Um, Slash? Slaaash? Would you just-(still ignored) Slash…. Slash… Slash.. SLASH! Could you chill the f**k out already!? Go take your f***in' Ritalin and listen to me!

Slash Man: Hey sonny! You don't go telling me what to do! I'm older than you meaning respect your elders, b**ch! Now fry me a biscuit and slap my butt cuz you got told, sucka! Whee ha ha!

Slash Beast: (Sighs loudly) Why did the commander assign this jackass to me?

Jo: Commander?

Squishy: OMG! They didn't censor a**! (Gasps abound)

Slash Beast: Silence all of you! Your deaths have been delayed long enough. Slash Man, whenever you find it convenient, try to kill these guys.

Slash Man: Sure thing ya sniveling p***er! Ha ha!

(Another big sigh, then the combatants collide. The Jedi leap and duck as they try to hit the two robots, but they can't cut through their claws. This fight goes on until)

Squishy: Heads up, guys, we're nearing a tunnel.

Sara: A tunnel?

Jo: What's wrong with a tunnel?

Squishy: It usually means a scene transition is gonna happen.

Will: Scene transition? You mean there's something happening that's more important than this fight?

Squishy: Temporarily, anyway. But that doesn't mean we can rest, though.

Anna: Ah man!

(The fighting continues until the train enters a tunnel. Scene transition. We now see the battle between Chris' regiment and the robots in the jungle to the "Landing" music from FFVIII. Bullets whiz by and many branches and plants are blown apart as the troops push on)

Chris: Come on, men! We're breaking through! Don't let up for a second!

Jennings: (Following behind) Wait for me, Sarge!

(The two push through the jungle until they bump into Guts Man. Then the screen gets all wiggy and then becomes a Final Fantasy-style battle screen. The two soldiers are on the right with their battle stats and Guts Man is on the left)

Guts Man: Hey! What's a couple of fleshy pipsqueaks doing here?

Jennings: Sir, he doesn't look friendly.

Chris: No fear, Private. Despite his heavy looks, he should go down easy. Now let me pick my options. (A command window opens and the Attack option is chose) Alright, bubba. Eat lead.

(He fires his gun, but Jennings gets hit)

Jennings: Ow!

Chris: Worthless accuracy rating! Why do I need you when the guy is just two yards in front of me?

Guts Man: Heh, my turn!

("Power Arm" appears at the top of the screen, then Guts Man raises up a huge boulder above himself with one arm before tossing it at the two, breaking it up and causing damage to both of them)

Guts Man: Heh heh heh heh. Lamers.

Jennings: What are we going to do, Sarge!? What are we going to do!

Chris: For one, it's General, stupid. And for two, chill! Just check our inventory for something.

(Another command window appears and Items is selected. There is a menu of various items)

Jennings: Rations, rations, razor, porn, ether, ether, ether, ether, ether, hey! A Hyper Bomb!

Chris: Well use it!

(The item is selected and tossed at Guts Man, obliterating him with 9999 damage &amp; "Super Effective". Then Cut Man leaps in to fill Guts' place)

Cutman: Mwha ha ha! Time for some slicing and dicing! (Tosses scissor top)

Chris: Not if I can help it!

(Uses Blade Reversal to send the blade back through Cut Man, resulting in instant KO. Then Split Mushroom appears and uses Mirage Attack to form a clone)

Split: Bet you can't find the real one in time!

Chris: No worries. I've got a move that will take both of you out.

(Uses Penis Reference to send a huge censor box to hump and crush the two into dust. Then Top Man leaps in and uses Top Spin to lay some damage on the two)

Chris: Okay, Jennings, time for a team attack.

Jennings: What?

(Using Top Private, Chris wraps string around Jennings and pulls, sending him spinning into Top Man repeatedly for consecutive damage that kills him. Next up is Dust Man)

Dustman: Get ready for the scrap heap!

(Uses Junk Toss to suck up and shoot out a huge garbage cube that hurts the two)

Jennings: We can't keep getting hit like this.

Chris: Don't worry. I've got something to stop him.

(When Dustman begins his suck attack, Chris tosses a copy of Star Wars Rebellion into the chute)

Dustman: Overload! Overload! Item far too crappy for capacity! Error Error!

(Explodes. Next Spring Man hops into place)

Chris: Ooh, kinky.

Spring Man: Huh?

Jennings: Let me handle him!

Chris: Are you sure, Private?

Jennings: Yeah, boss. I'm real sure.

(Puts on a bandana and a pair of sports goggles as the Slam-Jaminator begins. To the bumping sounds of the Quad City DJs, he grabs Spring Man and dribbles him über fast and furious before slamming him hard into the ground, breaking him asunder with tremendous force. The music reverts to normal as Jennings tosses away his sports apparel)

Chris: Wow. That was pretty slammin'.

Jennings: Wham bam thank you ma'am, Sarge. I've been doing basketball and watching Space Jam lately.

Chris: Stop calling me that already! Anyways, let's continue the-

(Gets interrupted when a huge turtle bot crashes across from them, and FFVI boss music plays)

Chris: What the f**k are you supposed to be!?

Rainy: I am Rainy Turtloid, and I'm here to end your hopeless crusade!

Chris: That's your name? Peh! Sounds more like a Polynesian strain of diarrhea if you ask me.

Rainy: Shut up and die, peons!

(He unleashes Missile Barrage, which hits the two for varying damage. Jennings attacks with his gun, but only causes miniscule damage. Chris uses his Dual Pistol attack, but causes slightly higher miniscule damage)

Rainy: Pathetic. Eat this!

(Uses Blade Spin, where he hides in his shell and rolls over the two with blade edges. Jennings uses a Double Ration on the two, and Chris fires again, but misses)

Rainy: So you think you can outlast me? Let's see how you think after my main attack!

(Unleashes Acid Rain, which brings the two in yellow with their HP slowly dwindling)

Jennings: This is bad, sir. My speed rating won't give me a turn to heal.

Chris: Same here, Private.

Rainy: HA! One more attack and you're finished!

Jennings: What do we do now, sir? Retreat?

Chris: We can't, Jennings: this is a boss battle. Which gives me no other option.

Jennings: What do you mean?

Chris: I can have a turn for offense. I'll use it to unleash my ultimate attack.

Jennings: But sir! You're in no condition to use it. If you perform it as you are, then you would die!

Chris: I have no other choice. Forgive me, Private, but we must carry on the fight, no matter what. (Steps forward to attack)

Jennings: Sarge, don't!

(Chris rises into the air glowing. Then he unleashes Potato Chip Orgy, which fills the screen with salt particles and potato chips rubbing against each other with robotic moanings. After the screen clears, Rainy is standing in agonized shock)

Rainy: Guh! So, much, salt! Ears, bleeding! Im… Possible! How could I lose… To such... vulgarity? HOOOOOOOOW!

(He flashes red, then dissolves in retro FF fashion. FF fanfare plays, and Jennings jumps in place in celebration)

Jennings: You did it, boss! You over-killed the sucka!

(Chris crumples to the ground)

Jennings: Sir!

(Rushes over and kneels. Holds up Chris' head)

Jenning: Sir! Are you okay?

Chris: Don't… yell so loud. I prefer the quiet…

Jennings: Okay, I'll be quiet. But we did it. We got through.

Chris: Yeah, you got through. But alas, it shan't be the same for me…

Jennings: Don't say that. You'll be alright!

Chris: No I won't. That attack took too much out of me. I was a foolish… I could have easily summoned a Filipino to fry him up. But I didn't…

Jennings: Why, sir?

Chris: Because... I wanted to make a name for myself... some more. I wanted to show off my zany prowess in the field of combat. But now I see that it wasn't worth it… I had too much to live for… So many battles to be fought, without all the silliness. So many peace talks to attend and establish and subsequently disrupt. All the PR damage control to undergo. I wasn't thinking clearly back there… And look what it has done…

Jennings: Sarge…

Chris: But you, Jennings... You have potential… After seeing this, you shall go on to become a great leader. One who knows never to endanger himself for show... Unless it's the single greatest thing imaginable. Yes… A good leader, indeed.

Jennings: Yeah… And you'll be there to see me through, Sarge.

Chris: No. My days are over. A new generation of leaders is needed. I'm as good as fertilizer to the growth and stability of our great Republic. So long, Jennings. Until we meet again in the afterlife….

Jennings: No, Sarge! Don't go! I need you, Sarge!

Chris: For the last time, I'm General, you a**hat. They're two completely different things.

Jennings: I know that, sir, but general has too many syllables. I like to say things that are short and simple, and Sarge is an excellent name for that purpose.

Chris: Ahh… The Lazyman's Code. It's all so clear now. I have raised you well. Raised you well, indeed…

(Goes silent. Sad music plays and the message "General Chris has died" appears)

Jennings: Sarge? Sarge…? N- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Cherubs appear and sprinkle Chris' body with light. He stands back up)

Jennings: Sarge! You're alive!

Chris: Yep, I certainly am.

Jennings: But how!?

Chris: It always pays to cast Auto-Life on yourself before every battle. Saves a lot of unnecessary drama and clean-up. Unless you want the drama, and I really got a chance to flex my acting chops.

(Jennings has a dumbfounded look as Chris pulls out and lights a cigar)

Chris: Now, whenever you're done gawking at jungle flora, son, we've got an assault to carry out.

Jennings: (Getting out of shocked trance) Y-yes, sir!

Chris: Good. Then let's move out.

(They go into the jungle. Scene transition. We return to the Jedi on the train fighting the two slasher bots. At some point, they manage to chop off Slash Man's orange hair)

Slash Man: Aiee! My hair! My beautiful hair! Ohhh I'm gonna sue you're a**es so hard for intellectual property damage that your kids will still be paying it, YOU HEAR ME!? No one gets away with destroying my luxurious- (Head gets chopped off by Cope)

Slash Beast: Oh praise the lord he's dead! Thank you so much for shutting that b****rd up for good! This is such a great relief to me, and I owe it all to you- (Gets right arm chopped off) Hey! I'm grateful and all, but I didn't say you could take my F**KING ARM OFF! (Loses left leg) Oh criminy this isn't good! (Falls to the ground)

Anna: What a wimp.

Sylvia: Some beast you are.

Sara: Yeah. The only beast here is Will. Groooowl.

Will: (Blush) Sara, not now…

(While they're chatting, Slash pulls out a walkie talkie)

Slash Beast: Slash Beast down, Slash Beast down! Hone in on my position and bring reinforcements!

Squishy: Chiggers! He's calling for help!

(Cope goes over to Slash and chops him up)

Anna: Oh boy. I don't like where this is going.

Cope: Me neither.

(Suddenly they're assailed by various Mega Man bosses)

Jo: Slice and dice, guys!

(They go about fighting the enemies. They dodge, defeat and reverse the likes of Drill Man, Metal Man, Spark Man, Skull Man and Crystal Man. All of this action is being seen through some binoculars far away. They lower to reveal a wide-headed being in the shadows)

?: Guess I'll have to deal with this.

(This person steps out of a wooden shack that's atop a peak which overlooks all the island. He pulls back, then fires a bevy of missiles from his shoulders. The missiles fly off, weaving and spinning through the air before descending toward the jungle with the speeding train in sight. Next we get a shot of the area around the train blowing up into large fireballs)

Anna: What the heck!?

Squishy: Missile attack!

Cope: No s**t, Sherlock!

(The area near the train, as well as parts of it continue to get hit, and even a few hapless robots are blown to smithereens)

Will: Who's firing at us, anyway!?

(The train continues on to a long metal bridge. As it starts across, some missiles hit the bridge's center, causing it to split in a massive explosion. After the smoke clears, Charge Man tries to stop the train, but ends up speeding off the newly-formed gap and falling into the deep ravine below)

Charge Man: Marzipaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

(Back to the bridge, the two parts start to bend downwards with the train jerking forward slowly. The Jedi hold onto cargo as the angle gets steeper and various robots go plummeting to their deaths)

Squishy: This is very bad!

Cope: Once again, no s**t!

Sylvia: What do we do?

Will: This thing's sinking too fast for us to climb up, in time and the gap's too big to leap.

(There is a great jerk. The train is now dangling precisely at a 90 degree angle downward with the Jedi lying atop the turned-about cargo. There's a groaning sound as the metal connectors between the dangling part and the grounded part start to thin out)

Sara: Oh god, I can't believe it'll end like this.

Jo: Well, it was nice knowing you guys. At least it won't be a boring death.

(The connectors snap. Now the forward section of the trains starts falling and spinning whilst the Jedi are heard screaming. However, the entire section lands with a plop softly in a ginormous vat that looks like a huge tub of ice cream)

Anna: What the h**l!?

Squishy: OMG! We've landed in a Bucket of Sams!

Jo: Sams?

(A pretty girl with long hair pops up next to him)

Jo: GAH!

Girl: Hi there, Jo. It's nice to meet you.

Jo: Okay…

(Another girl appears)

Girl2: You are so handsome!

Jo: Uhhh… Thanks?

(More appear)

Girl3: We should go somewhere.

Girl4: How bout we talk for a bit?

Girl5: What do you think of my hair?

Girl6: What should we do, Jo?

(Jo is surrounded by an immense swarm of girls repeatedly saying his name as unsettling music plays. Switch to Jo sleeping in a sitting position)

Jo: I still don't know what a Sam is, but mmmm...

(A hand starts pushing his shoulder)

Cope: Jo! Wake up!

(He's awakened)

Jo: Ugh… What do you want? Where are we?

Cope: Well, seeing how you've forgotten, I'll gladly remind you: We're about to die!

(Pull back to show the train dangling again)

Jo: Ohhhhhh… Right.

(The cactus robot known as Wire Sponge falls past the Jedi, but he flings one of his spiked wires into the cargo, which reels him back up onto his feet before the Jedi)

Wire: Foolish intruders! While you die, I'll grapple my way to safety. Enjoy your oblivion without me, fools! Nwehehehehhh!

(He tosses a wire to the other side of the ravine, where it gets stuck into the cliff)

Will: Oh brother, you picked a wrong time to be talking!

(The Jedi gang up on Sponge and start beating the crap out of him. Later, we see them hook another wire into the train with Sponge tied up with his own wires, forming a thin wire bridge leading up between the train and the cliff)

Jo: Alright guys, let's move it!

Sponge: Wait! You can't leave me here! I can useful! I'm excellent at making sushi! Or, er, uh, um… Piano wires! Yes, your precious pianos will be needing wires, and I've got plenty to spare! Show mercy on me!

Anna: Heh, you should have thought of that before running your talk hole.

Cope: Vamos, already!

(They start their dash over the wire. The train starts to go down further, causing the wire to tighten and make a steeper incline. Just as the Jedi almost reach the cliff, the connectors snap and the train begins to plummet. The wire also takes a sharp nosedive as the Jedi leap off it before the cliff end snaps and the train resumes full falling speed)

Sponge: BAH BUH BOOIEEEEEEEEEEE!

(There is a thunderous crash. Back on the cliff)

Sylvia: Boy, that was close.

Jo: Bah! That was nothing.

Squishy: Sure. Anyway, shall we continue?

Jo: Indeed we shall.

(They resume their trek into the jungle. It is a nice picturesque walk, with birds chirping and many a calming sound)

Sara: Now isn't this a nice change of pace?

Will: We can't be too sure of things around here. You never know when Hell breaks loose again. It is a warzone, after all.

Squishy: You're right about that, Will. But still, it doesn't mean we can't enjoy this relaxing stroll.

Anna: Yeah, suppose not.

Sylvia: Hey, since nothing's happening, Squishy, how about we discuss the matter of our childrens' punishment?

Squishy: Oh, right now? Well, I was just thinking of grounding them from TV and going around the station. Did you have anything in mi—Oooh! A penny! (Bends over)

Cope: No Squishy Don't!

(Squishy picks up the penny, and alarms go off)

Voice: Juda-lert Activated.

(Dozens of robot commandos pop out, cocking guns at the Jedi from all directions)

Cope: God I hate your incompetence so much…

Commando: All those who don't follow the teachings of the Contractor are to be shot on sight, and that includes not filching any of his loose change!

Anna: Okay, I can accept that. But how can you shoot those you can't SEE!

(Pulls out and throws down a pellet, which explodes into a huge smoke screen. When it clears, all the Jedi but Anna remain. Anna runs back in all flustered)

Anna: WTF you numbskulls!? Get Moving!

(They run. Shots whiz past them as they hurry and weave through the trees. They reach a decline, where they slide down and fall off, then land some distance down onto the ground below)

Sylvia: Think we lost them?

Cope: Not quite.

(Points to a large group of robots running towards them)

Will: Quick! Into that shed!

(They dash for a large nearby shack and lock themselves in. Inside)

Squishy: Déjà vu all over again, eh hon?

Sylvia: Yeah.

Jo: Seems this is where we make our last stand.

Cope: I wouldn't mind the exercise. (Pulls out saber hilt)

Sara: What're those?

(Points to a wall lined with futuristic motorbikes)

Squishy: HAH! An escape route! (Goes over to them)

Anna: What are you talking about?

Squishy: You'll see. Now help me with these things.

(Outside, the shed is surrounded by a thin line of robots)

Needle Man: What could they be doing in there?

Stone Man: I don't know. But it can't be good, considering how quiet it is.

Needle Man: We ought to blow the doors out.

Stone Man: I agree. Yo, Crash!

(Crash Man walks over to them)

Crash Man: Yes?

Stone Man: Make us an entrance.

Crash Man: Sure thing!

(Goes over to wide end of shack and lays down some charges. He then leaps back to a safe distance)

Crash Man: Ready-Made Entrance in 4, 3, 2-

(There's a huge blast that blows a hole in the shed. Then roaring out of there are the Jedi on MMX hoverbikes)

Anna: WAAAHH!

Squishy: Yee-HAAAWW!

(Anna's bike runs down Crash Man, and as the group speeds along, they whip out their sabers and cut down robots in their path. Wood Man gets his head popped off by Jo, and we see the body hit the ground as the bikes leave. When all's quiet, a robot bunny hops over to Wood Man but stops with eyes agape at his corpse. Then it starts singing a depressing aria. Back to the action, the Jedi tear through the jungle to kick-a** MMX4 hoverbike music)

Jo: Well hot d**n, Squishy, that was awesome!

Squishy: I know! And it's only gonna get more awesome here on out!

(Anna's bike is bucking like mad)

Anna: YEEEEE! WHOAA! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! HELP!

(As they zoom on, a line of robots ahead get in their path)

Cope: Alright! More chopping practice.

Anna: GAAAH!

(She pushes a button while attempting to get a better hold of the steering handles. Two plasma shots fire from the bike and obliterate most of the robots)

Jo: Now we're talking!

(They all start shooting plasma and clear out the robots and some trees. They continue onward until thick underbrush overtakes them)

Sylvia: Things are getting tight!

Will: Eat this, foliage!

(Fires some shots, but they barely break the approaching bramble wall)

Will: WTF**k!?

Sara: Language!

Jo: We're gonna crash if we don't do something.

Squishy: Heh, check this out!

(Pushes a button. His bike rears up and jets forward with a light blade surrounding the underside. The bike plows through the branches and makes a wide opening for the others to go through)

Sara: Awesome!

Jo: Yo Squishy! What button did you push to do that?

Squishy: The little orange one in the middle.

Cope: Did you hear that, Anna? Don't push it unless we're way behind you!

Anna: Ah screw you, Alex! YAAAHH!

(They go off into the distance. Scene transition. On the other end of the island, some soldiers are spread about looking through jungle. Turn to Chris and Jennings overseeing the operation)

Chris: That's it, men! We've got to keep this zone secure and free of hostiles of any sort. However, it's important to stay safe, so be wary of your surroundings. Always stick with your buddy and, if possible, run from all large random encounters. We have limited Potions, and we've only enough tokens to revive two of you, so watch it.

Jennings: (Confounded) Sir?

Chris: Oh! Sorry. I was thinking of something else. What are you doing here?

Jennings: Uhh… You're my search buddy, sir.

Chris: Bah! Nonsense! Partners are assigned by rank in this army. You were allowed to tag along for this long because you are my favorite footstool. But now that things are quieted down, it's time to resume protocol.

Jennings: But sir-

Chris: No buts! We must make a prime example for the other troops. Now go find someone else to search with. (Jennings leaves) I'm just going to go take a dump by that poison ivy over there.

(He walks off, eventually finding a jungle clearing. He brushes off a small patch on the ground, then he takes off his hat and pulls out a roll of toilet paper before putting it back on his head. Then he pulls a TP holder from his jacket, and anti-bacterial lotion from his pants pocket. Then he shoves his hand down the back of his pants, moves it around and then pulls out a fresh newspaper)

Chris: Now I'm set.

(Just as he's about to squat, rustling is heard. He looks around a bit, then resumes his business. More rustling, another glance, then Chris drops his pants and opens his paper. A coconut flies out and hits Chris in the head and knocks him over. A robot monkey in a nearby tree gives off a mischievous laugh. Chris gets back up, rubbing his head and still holding his paper. When he sights the laughing monkey, we get a close-up of his eyes as the screen reddens and "Ironside" from Kill Bill plays. There are faded scenes from Deliverance playing where the hillbillies are replaced with monkeys. After the music stops)

Chris: (Raising arms and tossing aside paper) MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!

(The monkey immediately stops laughing, then leaps away when a rabid Chris claws after it with a censor box over his waist. He chases it around, grunting and moving like an animal. A soldier and Jennings rush in, only to stop and watch the horror that was unfolding)

Soldier: What in the h**l is all this!?

Jennings: Oh dear… I was afraid this might have happened, since we're in a jungle and all.

Soldier: What are you talking about? What is he trying to do to that monkey?

Jennings: The Sarge tells me these sorts of things whenever I'm scrubbing his back during his baths. And let me tell ya, this is one of the most troubling.

Soldier: What is it?

Jennings: Well... Back when he was four, his parents took him to the Coruscant Zoo and he fell into the monkey cage. At the time, the keepers where trying to get them to reproduce in captivity, so they were giving them aphrodisiacs in their diet. Needless to say, he was sodomized by the lot of them for an hour before he was rescued. He recovered physically, but was so deeply scarred psychologically that whenever he'd see a monkey of any kind, he'd get a primal urge to do unto them what they did unto him. And now it's come back to rear its ugly, hairy head.

Soldier: Good god... That's disturbing…

Jennings: Nah. What's disturbing is knowing how he did it to the 57 monkeys he's encountered in the years since.

Chris: (Off in distance) Come here, little monkey! I've got a banana for you!

Monkey: Ooh-ee-Ooh-ahh-ahh-Gee-Gah!

Chris: HA! Gotcha you little rascal! Eat this!

(Inhuman, bloodcurdling screams are bellowed. The soldier stares on with shock and turns white, while Jennings stands there apathetic to the whole thing. Screams, muffled screams and grunts are heard)

Jennings: To think, all that aggression caused from being raped by horny monkeys. Kind of funny when you think about it. (Soldier starts vomiting madly) Of course, I've seen him do this to four monkeys already, so I'm pretty used to it. Yet, every time I see it happen, I feel as though some part of my humanity just... withered away. (Pulling out sandwich) Egg salad?

(Soldier vomits more, so Jennings shrugs and eats)

Chris: Ah Man This IS Something! Uh-oh, I've got to go to the bathroom! Open wide, pal!

(An even greater inhuman bloodcurdling scream rings out over the island, causing many birds to fly away. Back to the hoverbike group)

Will: Did you hear something?

Jo: I bet it was nothing.

Will: Yeah. You're probably right.

(At the back of the convoy)

Sara: So you finally got a hang of the bike, Anna?

Anna: Yeah. I'm ready to roll!

Cope: Good. Now less chit-chat and more action.

Sylvia: Roger.

(The Jedi speed along as music resumes. They start hitting puddles)

Jo: We're hitting water!

Squishy: No worries! We'll hover on over.

(The puddles become bigger and more frequent until they merge into shallows. After the screen is blackened by passing brush, the Jedi break out of the jungle and glide along an immense lake where there's a gorgeous view of forested mountains, a distant waterfall and the sky in the background)

Will: (Looking over) Whoa! That's the most insanely detailed backdrop I've ever seen! Such serenity and grandness. Sara, where's my camera?

Anna: Forget it, Will! Enemies ahead!

Will: Ah crud!

(Small flying robots come at them and start shooting. The Jedi respond by using jump jets on the bikes and returning fire. More robots come and electrical obstacles start popping out of the water. Soon enemy hoverbikers and water mines are added to the mix)

Jo: What the crap, man!

(They continue to fend off this hectic barrage. After it's clear, Jet Stingray flies over them)

Sara: What's that?

Jet: The name's Jet, baby cakes, and I'm here to wipe you out.

Cope: Oh, wasn't that a creative threat.

Jet: Shut up!

(He starts dropping mines into the water, which the Jedi leap over)

Squishy: Okay that's enough! Eat plasma!

(Leaps up and shoots, but a bunch of little stingrays appear and circle Jet, forming a shield and absorbing the shot)

Squishy: Vas!?

Jet: Heh heh hey! Whatcha gonna do now? You can't touch me!

Anna: Don't be so sure. We still haven't tried this!

(Leaps up and activates the dash, causing the bike to bust through the shield and hit Jet, making him break out into small explosions)

Sylvia: Way to go, Anna!

Jet: Ughh. Commander… I have failed you!

(Drops back to the left offscreen, where there's a huge explosion. Eventually they hit land and head on through a forest)

Squishy: So where do we go now?

Jo: Good question. After all that action, there's still no sign of the enemy headquarters here.

Will: It's bound to show up at some point, so we'll just keep moving.

Sara: Yeah. Plus, you never know when something will pop up.

(An alert noise goes off and the word "Warning" is spelled above them in big, flashing red letters)

Squishy: Oh boy. It's-

Cope: Let me guess: boss battle?

Squishy: Exactly.

(After the words and alert goes away, the forest around them bursts into flames in an instant)

Cope: Jesus!

(After pulling out of the flaming woods they all skid to a stop on the outskirts of an immense field with the fires behind them)

Jo: What the freak was that!?

Cope: I don't know! The whole place just burst into flames!

Anna: No. He means what you just said back there.

Sara: Yeah. What's a "Jesus"?

Cope: Um, well, uhh… It's…. I'm not real sure what it is, either.

?: It's who you'll be begging for when I'm through with you!

(They look back at the forest. Bursting from the flames is a tall purple figure that soars over the Jedi and hovers in the air. It then slowly descends and lands, standing before the Jedi. We get a look at it to see it is a purple robot with tank treads for feet, small cannons for arms, shoulders lined with mini-explosives and a red missile port in its head above its eyes)

Squishy: Oh crap... It can't be...

Robot: But it is! I, am the great Napalm Man! Wielder of destruction and bearer of all life's most potent ordnance. And you, Jedi, have been trespassing in my territory for far too long.

Will: You're the commander of this whole island?

Napalm Man: Indeed I am. And might I add how wonderful an effort you put into destroying every little thing I own here. I'm touched by your love of senseless destruction.

Jo: Can it, Barney! We destroy these machines for the welfare of the galaxy. You probably do it for the sick kick of it!

Napalm Man: Whatever! There's design to my demolitions. To me, all forms of disaster and weapon-based tragedy have a certain artistic beauty to them when done correctly. Take that forest behind you as an example. See how the flames emit an exquisite, otherworldly radiance as it washes over wood that would otherwise appear bland? Or when I rained rockets onto that doomed train-

Sylvia: Wait, you were the one firing on your own men and supplies!?

Napalm Man: It was necessary. I had to take you out, and I wanted a well-executed death at that. So I thought what better way to kill you then to drop you into a ravine; clinging to that slipping train, regretting all your life's follies. And yet you managed to survive in part due to my men's incompetence. Sigh… Such a waste of good parts.

Anna: Well you shouldn't have hired them in the first place.

Napalm Man: I didn't hire them you wench! That overzealous jerkwad Contractor assigned them to me! But I'm not worried about that now. After I take you guys out, I'll be moving on up and overthrowing him in no time, thus showing all he is just another harmless nutcase like our creator before him.

Squishy: Say, about Dr. Wi-

Will: It won't make any difference, cuz we'll take down both you and the Contractor to free this planet!

Napalm Man: Ho ho! Quite the wishful thinker you are! But reality check, junior: this is _my_ island, where we play by _my_ rules. And I say that if you want to leave here alive, you'll have to get through me.

Jo: Fine by us!

(The Jedi rev up their bikes and speed past Napalm Man)

NM: Hey! What the—COWARDS!

(The Jedi are a good distance ahead, leaving NM in the dust)

Napalm Man: Fine… If you want to drag this out, go ahead. I'm up for a little chase.

(He locks his legs apart and braces himself. Jets on his back fire up and shoot him forward at insane speed as "Chase of Highway" from Advent Children plays. Shortly after he pulls alongside the Jedi)

NM: You can't escape me that easily!

(He begins to ram the hoverbikes on the side, but is rammed back and slows down. He maintains a steady speed behind them before firing some bombs into the air. Target reticules appear on the ground the Jedi are hovering over, giving them warning to move out of the way and let the bombs hit the ground without harm)

Cope: Hey, Rolling Thunder! You realize that we can see where the missiles will land, right?

NM: They're bound to hit you eventually!

(He continues to fire missiles in varying patterns, with the Jedi changing positions in response. The firings get faster and more complicated. Finally he charges and fires his forehead missile, which creates a reticule 15 feet wide)

Squishy: Dude!

(The Jedi get out of the circle before there's an immense blast. The group enters some jungle)

NM: Change of Strategy!

(Hover jets on his back lift him into the air, allowing him to zip in front of the hoverbikers. There he hovers in place before them)

NM: Dodge this!

(He starts shooting his bouncing Napalm Bombs from his arm cannons, which the Jedi strafe to dodge)

NM: FIRE!

(He launches slow-moving projectiles that the Jedi swipe away with their sabers)

Anna: Somebody shoot him down already!

(Will jumps and shoots, but it doesn't reach him)

Will: I can't! He's too high!

NM: Bwahahaaa! Here, allow me to warm things up a bit.

(He fires a long stream of fire that breaks up the Jedi formation. He then goes after each one individually, letting loose his flamethrower. At one point he catches the back of Jo's head on fire)

Jo: Ah! My hair! My manly hair!

(He starts patting his head madly to put it out, but this causes his bike to swerve all over the place. He barely misses some trees and rocks and in a split second he ducks and avoids a fallen tree. He looks back smirking)

Jo: Heh. No sweat.

(He looks ahead, instantly losing his smirk because his bike is speeding down a path that ends in a small ravine)

Jo: Ahh DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

(Back to the Jedi)

Sylvia: Jooooo!

Squishy: Forget it! We've got more pressing matters!

NM: Precisely, such as me unleashing my ULTIMATE ATTACK!

(Pulls back and chest plate opens. A bazillion little bombs fly out in one immense flow)

Cope: Oh f**k me on rye…

(When the bombs hit the ground, the whole screen is covered in a blinding firewall)

Jedi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(Outside the explosion, the Jedi fly out and crash into a clearing, followed by flaming bits of their hoverbikes. As they're getting up, NM lands standing before them some distance away)

Anna: You never should have landed!

(She runs at him, saber drawn ready to slash. When she swings, NM shoots off an electrical burst. Anna finishes her swing, only to realize that there's no lightsaber coming from the hilt. NM swings his hefty arm and sends Anna flying and crashing back to the others)

NM: Heh… Rushing in without thinking; typical Padawanese behavior. Or reckless Sith callousness.

Anna: What did you say!?

NM: In case you were wondering, I set off an EMP burst to make your lightsabers useless. And since my armor protects me from such a device, I can safely say you are royally screwed. Heh heh heh...

(Raises arm cannons with sights on Jedi)

NM: Any last words?

?: Yeah: Don't hesitate!

NM: What!?

(Busting from the jungle and into the sun's view is Jo on his bike. He leaps off it, sending it straight into NM's head and knocking him back. NM hits the ground as Jo lands gracefully in time with the eventual crash and burn of his bike. Short sting music from MGS3 plays as he slowly gets up and strikes a look in time to the music)

Sara: Jo! You're alive!

NM: (Struggling) H-h-h-h-how could-?

Jo: Overconfidence in one's ideal situation; typical villainous thinking, lol. You should always be prepared for the unexpected, no matter how good of a position you're in. And besides, you can never bring down something this sexy for long.

(A part of his belt springs open to reveal a comb slot, from which he pulls out a comb. MGS3 music plays again as he slowly combs back his hair before striking another look, this time making light come from his head and the air sparkle. Squishy puts his hand to his forehead and faints, but Cope kicks him awake. NM gets back up in a rant)

NM: Who do you think you are!? You think you got skill? You think you're the Rico Suave reincarnated?

Jo: Well I'd say the audience speaks for itself.

Squishy: Oh Lord o' Mercy! (Gets hit with boot)

NM: Pah! Don't make me laugh! You've got no skill. You're just a sorry whiteboy Jedi in a crappy brown robe, with an out-of-date hairstyle.

Jo: Excuuuse me? Sir, what I have on my head is a timeless artifact of manliness.

NM: As if. Your robe is still crappy, i.e. it sucks so much it makes my colors pimpilicious. Dang fool ain't got no fashion sense whatsoever.

Jo: Oh no you did-n't. You just did not talk smack about my robe just now.

NM: Oh, yes I di-id. In fact, I'll replay it for you. (Rewind noise, then play button) "Your robe is crappy, i.e. it sucks so much it makes my colors pimpilicious." (Stop button)

Jo: Okay, I'm gonna ignore this.

NM: Really? Funny, that's exactly what your momma said last night before I smacked her against the wall and gave her some. Yeah, she done like the Purple Rain, alright.

Jo: Alright that does it, pal! I'm taking you out right now! (Pulls out saber hilt)

NM: Put that thing away, "Cuba". But since you have the moxie to challenge me, I'm willing to oblige in a fair manner of my choosing.

Jo: Oh yeah? Whatcha thinking: Rock'em Sock'em Purple Robot?

NM: I'm thinking the challenge should be… A Pose-Off! (Duh duh duh duh duuun!)

Sylvia: A what?

NM: That's right! A true test of skill! A challenge that will determine which of us is the smoothest and sexiest being here. It will be between me and Vanilla here to determine once and for all whether the galaxy prefers natural but frail, or artificial but rock solid. So will you accept?

Jo: You're on, Tin Man! I just hope you oiled yourself up this morning for this.

NM: Heh heh… I'm self-lubricating, bioo**h.

Will: Uh, Jo, are you sure about this?

Cope: This seems totally unnecessary.

Sara: Plus I don't recall seeing you pull off any poses before.

Jo: Well then, pull out your paper and pens cuz you're about to get a lesson in Manners and Sexiquette, yall.

Anna: (Facepalms) Ugghhh...

(The challengers strafe each other in a circle)

NM: Since you're the fresh meat here, I'll let you make the first move.

Jo: Alright then. (Does some stretches and bone snaps) Here goes. (Gets in position) I'll start simple: The Pulley. (Does pulley motion)

NM: Fine. I'll start simple as well: The Slither. (Starts slithering like a snake/fluidly)

Jo: Nice. How bout the Booty Smack? (Pretends to smack booty)

NM: I'd much prefer the Reacharound. (Extends an arm around his back and back to his front)

Jo: Not bad. Here's the Towel Wipe. (Wipes with imaginary towel)

NM: The Crank. (Swings arms so he rolls backwards)

Jo: The Head Bash. (Puts hand on head and pretends to slam it)

NM: The Sensual Wave. (Moves arms in synch so that it flows like a steady heart pulse)

Jo: Okay, now I see how it is. Time to get serious. The Worm! (Does move)

NM: Fish Out of Water! (Hits ground and starts flopping about)

Jo: The White Boy! (Does move)

NM: The White Russian! (Does Russian leg dance at fast pace)

Jo: The Zombie Shuffle! (Shuffles like Thriller Zombie)

NM: The Egyptian Vibration! (Poses like an Egyptian with vibrating arms)

Jo: The Pelvic Thrust! (Thrusts)

NM: Infinite Orgasm! (Locks arms to legs so that he forms a large vibrating infinity symbol)

Jo: The Jackson Thrust! (Grabs crotch, sticks out arm and thrusts while making a piercing screech)

NM: Ha! You're slacking! The One Step Ladder! (Tilts onto one leg and arm so he looks like a wobbling H)

Jo: The Crane! (Performs)

NM: Crouching Tiger! (Performs)

Jo: The Rotor! (Stands on head and spins with legs)

NM: (In accent) Da Choppa! (Sticks arms out and spins madly so that he lifts off the ground and hovers to the sides before landing)

Jo: The DDR Shuffle! (Moves feet madly like on a DDR pad with Excellents popping up around him. He stops, panting and smirking)

NM: Eat this: Gyration Nation! (All parts of him start rotating in different directions as sparklers goes off. Jo is taken aback)

Jo: Dang! Uh, er… The Cha-Cha? (Does a foolish dance)

NM: Now you've lost the nerve! It's time I ended this! Origami Complex! (He starts shape-shifting into various animal shapes and ends with forming the middle finger, which sends Jo tumbling back)

Sara: Jo!

NM: Bah ha ha! It is decided! I am the player, and you is a lamer! Ha-cha! (Jo slowly gets up) Oh, still not finished, eh? Well I can fix that!

Jo: Not so fast, Dino. I've still got one move left up my sleeve.

Squishy: (Gasps deeply) No… Jo, you can't possibly mean… Your ultimate technique!

Sylvia: Ultimate technique?

Sara: You can't seriously be considering it, can you!?

Will: You can't do this, Jo!

Cope: Listen to him! It's just not worth it!

Anna: Don't do it, Jo! For the love of humanity and all that is holy, Jo, DON'T DO THIS TO US!

Jo: I have to do this, Anna… For the sake of the Republic! Forgive me, guys.

NM: What the firetrack are you talking about?

Jo: This!

(Zoom-in as his arms lock into place, one in front and one in lower)

Squishy: Ohhhhhh dear…

Jo: BOOTY CRANK OMEGA SQUARED!

(He pumps his arms and a great shockwave of sexy radiance blows out from him. NM raises his arms and is pushed back as the trees around them feel the force)

NM: Huh...! Hrr..! Uhh..! Such… Raw… Mojo!

Cope: My Eyes! My Tarnished EYEEEEES!

Sara: So…. Much… SEXYYY!

Anna: (Waving arms in air) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Will: (Overwhelmed) Indeed… That is the sexiest move in the galaxy. And only Jo can pull it off!

(Jo stops the pumping, and things slowly become still and calm. The trees are bent from the blast, and NM is slightly tanned and smoking. He falls backwards onto the ground, and everyone is dazed. Only Sylvia seems normal)

Sylvia: I don't get it… Was there more to it than that? It didn't seem special to me.

(Silence and cricket chirps)

Squishy: …Yeah, it's more of an in-group thing with us from way before we met. But after you've seen it enough times, you'll understand.

Sylvia: Oh. Alright.

NM: Ugh….. (NM slowly rises up) That… was no… amateur feat you pulled...

Jo: No it wasn't. That was the Booty Crank in its third purest form, the purest being capable of leveling half this island with groove waves. It is a skill that is only endowed to those of a selected, qualified birth, i.e., (Points to self). Am I not the sexiest one here?

NM: True… You have bested me in this contest. I can't match your sexiness. But… I still have a trump card for this situation.

Cope: What?

NM: (Gets up) Yes. The Contractor told me of such a turnabout. He and I both knew that no one in this galaxy could counter such a move with on equal grounds. But there is a genre of posing that can upstage any sexy move, no matter how pure and powerful it is. And since my gears give me great flexibility, that dope leader was kind enough to teach me the most effective pose from that genre. So without further ado, I present: The most grotesque pose EVER!

(He bends back so his arms touch the ground behind him. Switch to Jedi looking at this act with worried curiosity as NM makes grunting sounds along with mechanical turnings)

Sylvia: What is he doing?

Will: I don't know, but it can't be pretty.

(After some anticipated seconds, the noises stop. Show Jo with a shocked and whitening face)

Jo: Great googilies of Moogily! It's… It's… It's...!

NM: Behold: THE C**K CANNON!

(Show a pixelated part of the scenery that's hiding the full image of something purple, square and with something long sticking out of it. There are hydraulic pumping noises as the thing hops around a bit. Jo slumps to the ground, stunned. Sara faints, and Will &amp; Cope vomit)

Squishy: (To Sylvia) Back in my own posing days, I read about this in the Poser archives. Only the most flexible, deranged and unstable Sith would do this move to Stun their enemies, but even then they would often question themselves about whether it was worth subjecting themselves to in the first place.

Sylvia: That's just plain nasty.

Anna: What did I do to deserve these things!?

Jo: It's hopeless… I can't counter that. It'd go against my nature to perform anything so heinous and depraved as that!

NM: Then you admit defeat? HA! Now you all belong to me! And I say you shall lead the frontline when I declare Jihad on the Contractor's army!

Squishy: But I wouldn't make an effective meat shield! I'm too small!

Sara: (Waking up) And I'm a girl!

Will: (Recovering) I'm all up for guns and warfare, but I refuse to work for someone this demented. (Reconsidering) Other than Chris, of course.

Anna: (Going to Jo) Jo! You've got to do something! For the sake of decency and all the universe, we can't really lose to this guy!

Jo: I'm sorry, Anna. I'm nothing now. Just a sexy loser...

Anna: (Leaving him in a fluster) Oi Malone! He's hopeless! Just a moping emo worthy of Cloud Strife! (To audience) If any of you out there knows how to fix this guy, then do it already!

(A "Random Coconut" shoots from the jungle and hits the back of Jo's skull, knocking him out flat on the ground with a loud conk)

Anna: Not really what I had in mind, but you're on the right track.

(Jo quickly sits up with a lightbulb burning over his head)

Jo: Wait! That's right! I got it! Thanks, audience!

(Leaps up into a standing position. He reaches into his robe and searches for something. He finds it, and pulls it out into the air, revealing it to be a round can of Altoids. The Popeye theme plays as he pulls off the lid and pops some into his mouth. He starts shaking as his arm muscles grow Popeye style, and his chest grows out. His hair becomes pressed and sophisticated, and a pair of smart-looking glasses pop onto his face)

Squishy: OMG! He's become Curiously Strong!

Jo: Indeed I have, my ever excitable companion Squishy. I'm strong as an ox and with a mind capable of moving the very sands of Tatooine itself. Now then, I shall, without delay, devise a course of action in which to dispose of this most distasteful of adversaries.

NM: Do your worst, pencil-neck! I'm _untouchable_!

Jo: Maybe so… (Holds up Altoid can lid) But that doesn't mean you're safe from yourself.

NM: Huh!?

(Jo rams the lid onto the long object so that it's crumpled back a bit. The hydraulic pumps now make banging noises that become more rapid and straining, so the block thing starts shaking violently)

NM: What's this? What's happening!? Ack! The pressure! This can't be happening to ME! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (Shakes more violently) AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Is smoking and sparking, and soon lights emit from the box. Then there's a great blast as the thing goes off with parts of NM flying and landing everywhere, including his head. Jo shrinks to normal, Mario-style, and goes over to pick up the head)

Jo: Who's the lame one now, b**ch?

(Drops and punts the head high into the sky where it goes poof!)

Jo: The day is ours, guys, and I owe it all to Altoids. (Pulls out can) Altoids: the Curiously Strong Mint, as used in any desperate situation. Get yours today!

Fast Voice: Paid for by the Board of Advertising for Useless Crap. Altoids isn't proven to save people from desperate situations. Never attempt this stunt with Altoids and keep from pregnant women and children under 3.

Anna: (Oblivious to blatant advertising) Well I must say there couldn't have been a more fitting end to that freak.

Sylvia: Yeah. Talk about being severely c**k-blocked.

(A robot made of drums plays out the "Ba-Dum-Tssh!" tune to this pun)

Cope: Ah! Percussionist!

(Throws saber at robot, which activates and takes off its head. The saber comes back to him)

Sara: Hey! Your lightsaber's working again.

Cope: What do you know? It really is.

(Alarms start going off)

Voice: Final Island Sentry compromised! Initiating Emergency Security Response!

Jedi: Alex!

Cope: What? I didn't know!

Voice: Contacting High Commander!

(Static fills the air and a life-sized hologram of the Contractor hangs in the air)

Cont: Well, well, well, The Jedi Sieben. We sorta meet again. I could have teleported over here, but I've having so much fun watching you making a mess of my whole operation. The carnage you faced and wrought in the air, your little freak offspring destroying a platform, that number you did to my naval fleet, and now how you tore the island command asunder. Though, I am very appreciative of you guys for taking out that cocker-roach Napalm Man for me. My precognitive powers saw defiance in him, and the way you brought him down brought a tear to my eye. I couldn't have done it better myself. (Wipes eye)

Sylvia: You Son of a B**ch! You tried to kill my kids!

Squishy: You nearly killed Steezy!

Jo: You almost did in Ackbar!

Anna: And Chris!

Cope: Much of my recent suffering was caused by your steps to conquest!

Sara: Yeah! You keep treating war like some horrible game with no repercussions whatsoever!

Will: Admit it: you've been very bad.

Cont: (Laughs) Yes. I have been quite naughty. But whatcha gonna do about it? I'm locked up safe in my headquarters while you're there on some island scratching your heads. I know: how bout you go kill something again? I've got pop-corn on the stove and I would so look forward to an encore performance.

Jo: Forget it, punk! Once we get off this island, we'll be gunning after you. Then it'll be _us_ munching on _your_ pop-corn after we send your sorry a** into the sun!

Cont: Noooo… I don't foresee such an outcome. But I do sense that you won't be leaving this island anytime soon. In fact, a certain scene transition may just show us why…

(Snaps fingers. Transition. Show Chris lying against a tree trunk, topless with his red hairy chest exposed and his lower waist covered in foliage. He's smoking a cigarette with a big grin on his face)

Chris: (Looking over) So, was it as amazing for you as well?

(Show the crumpled, torn, sparking, smoking, smelly remains of what used to be a robot monkey)

Chris: Thought so.

(Jennings runs in with urgency)

Jennings: Sir! Come quick!

Chris: I just did, private, but what is it?

Jennings: No time to explain! Follow me! (Runs off)

Chris: You freakin' serious? (Sighs) What kind of hullabaloo is it this time…

(Gets up. Later, show Jennings running through the woods. Turns back)

Jennings: Hurry, Sarge!

(Runs off. Chris hops in, both running and trying to put a leg into his pants)

Chris: Give me a minute, will ya?

(Trips and hits ground hard. Later, turn to a military camp on the edge of the jungle, where tents and equipment and soldiers are set up. Jennings runs in, followed shortly by Chris buttoning his shirt)

Chris: This better be important.

(Jennings runs up to a soldier with binoculars and takes them. He looks through them as Chris joins him)

Jennings: They came out a few minutes ago. I don't know where they came from!

Chris: What're you talking about? Gimme those!

(Snatches binocs and looks through them. We see an immense field with small, rolling hills and distant mountains as a backdrop. But the real show is directly opposite from the camp, from another jungle. Marching and tearing their way into the open are masses of soldiers in green, and tanks that all look the same. Following this regiment are several small mechs and mech suits and odd-shaped tanks. Then slide in little squid aliens with laser guns followed by huge war machines, including battleship tanks, crab-carried gun towers, huge walking tanks and death bots. From the air comes various fighter planes, helicopters and flying saucers. Basically, it's the entire Metal Slug series enemy cast x30, ready to kick some a**. Back at camp)

Chris: What? This is what has you all so worried? You Ca-Fodders Know Nothing! Watch and learn.

(Gets up and casually walks to Field of Battle)

Soldier: Ca-Fodders?

(By this time, Chis is a good distance from the camp and stands before the approaching army)

Chris: Big shots, are ya? You think you're so HOT? You think you're so great!? You go thinking we'd be fazed by your little prissy march, eh!? PEH! Utter amateurs! You're blinded by delusions of glory! You don't realize exactly what sort of army you're dealing with, do ya!? Well I'll tell you what army it is: It's the greatest army in the whole d**n galaxy, and it will crush you like the ants that you really are! I swear by the ghost of Rikki Raccoon I will _see_ to it that you'll be treaded into a meat puddle far beyond recognition by your hot, sexy, single mothers, God I am so horny right now BUST EM OUT, BOYS!

(Busting from the trees behind him come many Republic troops, speeder cars, tanks, AT-TEs, AT-STs and even SAPHA-Ts from Episode II. The air above them fills with X-, Y-, and A-wings ready to fight)

Chris: And that's not all: Look what we got left over from the Halo episode!

(Scorpion and Wraith tanks come from the woods, along with some Warthogs and Ghosts. In the air, Banshees and Phantoms join the other fighters. Both sides are now evenly matched in terms of indiscernible size and dazzling array of weapon variety. The two are at a standstill, facing each other from opposite ends of the huge field. Scene transition. We return to the Jedi exactly where we left then off, only this time the Contractor is holding and eating a bag of popcorn)

Anna: What just happened?

Cont.: You're serious? You're telling me you didn't see any of that?

(Gets confused looks. He grunts/sighs and throws aside popcorn)

Cont: What I was trying to show you was that your precious army is about to face off with every single enemy from the whole Metal Slug series.

Squishy: Metal Slug is in on this, too!?

Cont: Indeed it is, and from the looks of things, it's going to be one h**l of a skirmish.

Will: A kick-a** battle of fantastical proportions? I'm so there! (Starts to move)

Cont: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold it right there, "Rambo". None of you are going anywhere just yet.

Jo: And why the h**l not?

Cont: One, I said so, and two, it wouldn't be very sequential. I'm just saying you getting involved in a big-a** battle, then leaving, wouldn't work with that opening landing sequence. So I'm going to set things straight so it'd all work out.

Sara: I don't get it.

Cont: I'll make it simple: You got on this island with an FFVIII reference, you're gonna _leave_ this island with an FFVIII reference. (In pre-recorded voice) So here's this giant enemy crab.

(Nearby, the ground starts shaking and shifting as a round, pink, trapezoidal-shaped object rises out of it. It goes higher and gets bigger until the whole thing pops out and reveals itself to be the crab boss from Mega Man 8. It pinches its claws and powers up)

Squishy: (To Contractor) You're not serious, are you?

Cont: Unfortunately I am. This shall be the spider-thingy that will chase you off this island, or crush you to death if you're too slow.

Cope: You must be joking. I mean, that thing is the very first boss of a Mega Man game, and is made of pastel colors for God's sake! We'll just chop it to bits and be done with it.

Cont: Now normally it would be as weak as you have so simply hinted. But I cooked up a little something to tip the scales in its favor.

(A green ! box from Super Mario 64 pops outta thin air. It flies at the crab bot and breaks apart after hitting its shell. A metal hat floats up and atop the crab, casting it in total shiny gray armor plating)

Cont: I have used my godly powers to give that metal hat an infinite time to last. "But Contractor," you ask, "so what if it's shiny, how does this change anything?" I'll show you why.

(A huge turret pops out of the ground and fires a blast at the crab, which makes a nice blast but doesn't affect the crab whatsoever)

Cont: "But Contractor," you continue, "lightsabers are different from conventional weapons. This display doesn't prove anything." Let me demonstrate further.

(With a flick of the wrist, Sara's saber flies off her belt and activates)

Sara: Hey!

(The saber spins and hits the crab, but it bounces off with a ting and returns to Sara's belt)

Cont: So you see, it's impervious to any and all weapons. Now for the incentives. Along with avoiding this goliath's wrath, you also have to escape this island within a certain amount of time, because after said time, this crab will go off in a blast that will incinerate everything on this island in a flash. I have decided this little countdown to be 5 minutes beginning when I say so.

(Numbers appear on top of the screen)

Ana: 5 minutes? Hooow original.

Cont: Okay little Miss Smart Alec you asked for it! The timer has been reduced to 3':32". How's that for original!?

(Numbers change)

Jedi: Anna!

Cont: And to spice things up, I'll have the countdown start when that fruitcake Chris fires the first shot against my soldiers. So if you hurry, you might be able to catch such a momentous shot, and the real fun will begin!

Will: Don't think it's over! When we catch you, we're gonna make your existence a living h**l.

Cont: We'll see, we'll see. Welp, I've gotta run. You guys enjoy your little sprint.

(Laughs and disappears. The crab bot rears up and roars)

Squishy: Now I suppose this is when we start running.

Sylvia: I suppose it is, dear.

Jo: RETREAT!

(They run off into the jungle with the crab lumbering hot on their heels. They dodge trees and leap pits and manage to get a good distance far ahead of the crab. Eventually they reach a break in the foliage, where they see the great field and the two armies waiting to clash)

Sara: Look! It's the Republic Army! They haven't started the battle yet!

Anna: (Waving arms) Hey Chris! Chris! Don't shoot them!

Jo: Forget it, Anna. He can't hear us from this far.

Anna: Then how are we going to stop him!?

Cope: We won't. The battle will start regardless of warnings. That's just Chris' nature.

Will: The best we can do is head down there and tell him to evacuate. By that time, he should have had enough fighting and would be up for leaving.

Jo: So it's settled. We run like crazy down to the frontline to avoid heated resistance. Let's move!

(They run off, followed by the shiny crab bot. Down at the battlefield, the two sides continue their standoff. On the Republic side, Chris stands before his forces and raises his right arm. "Final Attack" from Metal Slug 3 blares on as Chris drops his arm and the first volley is shot. The countdown begins as the whole field erupts into a chaotic scene of indescribable awesomeness that's better seen than read, meaning you won't be able to see all this cool action yourself, but I'll describe it as best as I can. The tanks on both sides fire shots at each other with various types of ammunition. The air is alive with fighters of all kinds shooting and blowing up. Pelicans and Phantoms drop troops over the enemy as do their own dropships on the other side. Y-wings fly over the enemy and drop their payload to produce a fiery display. The burly Allen O'Neil lays waste to the front lines with his heavy machine gun, laughing his signature laugh, but then gets splattered by a Ghost. The Republic's infantry stand their ground, then)

Soldier: CHARGE!

(The men rush valiantly, yelling at the oncoming platoons of green soldiers. They clash as Warthogs plow through enemies, firing away. Squid Martians fly into the fray and start shooting their freaky lasers. Meanwhile, the Jedi are running down a slope leading to the ground behind the enemy forces with the crab catching up)

Will: Man I wish I was down there right now.

Anna: Well we will be if you stop gawking and keep running!

(The crab gets closer)

Squishy: Crab… Gaining… Side… In…. Agony! Huff, huff, hurk…

(The crab is about to pounce on him, but a flaming X-wing crashes into the crab, stopping the timer and creating a blast that sends Squishy flying into enemy airspace)

Sylvia: Squishy!

(A stray tank shot hits the earth beneath them, also sending them flying in Squishy's direction. As they're gliding through the explosion-filled air, they dodge and leap off aircraft and debris and even slice through a few of them. Soon they land hard on the ground within the enemy ranks. That's when the crab bot leaps from its crater in the rock wall and aims for the Jedi as the timer resumes. The Jedi flee as the crab lands with an immense boom, from whence it steadies itself and resumes the chase. The Jedi weave and cut through enemies while the crab knocks and crushes whatever gets in its way. At some point, several Wraith shots fall onto the ranks and one of them hits the crab, stopping the timer and sending it rolling a short distance. After it recovers, the timer continues and the crab continues the chase. By this time the Jedi have reached the immense battleship riding atop tank treads. They start climbing up its sides toward the front as the crab also follows. Eventually the Jedi make it to the bow's deck, but the crab is now hanging onto the very front. Suddenly the deck drops away, dropping the Jedi inside as a big-a** cannon rises into view. It hits the crab with a powerful enough blast to send it back down and stop the timer. The crab is embedded into the ground before the battleship as it rolls over and onto the crab beneath its treads. Inside the belly of the beast)

Squishy: I forgot about that happening… The cannon and all.

Sara: What's with this timer?

Will: I don't know, but best find a way out of here.

Cope: There should be an armory around here somewhere…

(There's a great shake. Outside, the ship starts rising up on one side. The crab is pushing the tread over it, restarting the timer as it gives one great heave. The ship falls on its side hard, and after a few seconds the front blows open. Coming out of the hole is a Metal Slug tank, Squishy in a jet and Sylvia in a helicopter, Anna in a mech suit, a walking tank mech, Sara riding an armed camel, and Jo following behind atop a pack mule pulling a gun wagon)

Jo: Yah! Yah! Giddyup little doggey! Yah!

(Back at the camp, Chris gives orders to some subordinates as a soldier with binoculars comes up to him)

Soldier: General! Something weird is heading towards us.

(Chris takes the binocs and sees the motley Jedi crew amidst the chaos)

Chris: It's the Jedi! I knew they'd pull through. Clear the way for them.

Soldier: With pleasure, sir!

(Pulls out a remote and pushes a button. There's some rumbling, then stomping out from the trees and over the camp is a huge scarab from Halo 2. It charges its frontal laser, then fires a long plasma burst that takes out a large infantry group and sweeps back to take out a good chunk of the armored frontline. The scarab moves to the middle of the field as the Jedi arrive and get out of their rides before Chris)

Jo: General Chris! We've got to evacuate!

Anna: A big-a** crab is chasing us and is gonna blow when that timer hits zero! (Points to timer)

Chris: Huh… I was wondering what that was for.

Cope: So we got to get everyone off this island before it's too late!

Chris: Awwww, but I was having fun…

Sara: This isn't a game, Chris!

Chris: It is to me! Tell you what: after our scarab takes out 98% of the remaining forces, then I'll make the call.

Jo: You can't be serious-

Chris: But I am. Continue the operations!

(The scarab fires again)

Sara: You're making a big mistake, Chris.

Chris: Humbugger! I'm living for today, little missy. Just stand back and watch.

Squishy: (Looking at sky) Uhh, guys? I think things just got more dire…

(They look as well. In the sky above the scarab, the clouds darken and thicken. Lowering from the clouds over the scarab is the underside of the mothership from Metal Slug 2. The hole in its center starts brightening up, then fires a great laser column that obliterates the scarab to pieces, Independence Day-style. The scarab's head is blown away and crashes onto the shiny crab, stopping the timer. After the blast, all that remains of the scarab is towering wreckage. The Jedi are flabbergasted by this attack, and turn looking at Chris with the same shocked expressions)

Chris: Uhh… Come to think of it, an immediate retreat does sound pretty good right now. (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Carrier Command? This is the General. I'm requesting an immediate evac of this island. Have ships hone in on my position and ready to remove vehicles and troops.

Responder: Roger that. Sending ships now. (Cuts off)

Cope: (Pointing) It's coming this way!

(The mothership slowly floats over to the camp airspace)

Chris: (Into a bullhorn) Fall back! Everyone fall back into the trees and fire everything into that thing! Have the transports in the air get us the h**l outta here!

Jo: No time for any of that! It's almost here!

(As the ship approaches, several missiles hit it and a Pelican flies by)

Pilot: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Squishy: What the foreign exchange!?

Chris: Who is that!? Get me in contact with that craft! (A hand with telephone pops in. Chris takes phone) Who is this? Report, soldier!

Pilot: This here is Foo Hamma, where our motto is "STFU and Die!"

Chris: What in the Sam Hill &amp; Fog are you doing shooting that thing?

Pilot: I'm bored as h**l and want some action, sir!

Chris: Well cut it out and pick us up.

Pilot: Okie-Dokie. Let me adjust my mirrors and-. (Lightning strikes an engine) Aaah! AAAaah! I'm hit! I'm going DOWN!

(Flies into woods smoking. All's quiet)

Will: We're seriously boned, aren't we?

Squishy: Yes, I do believe we are.

(The mothership is above them and charging)

Chris: Well my friends, looks like this is the end. My only regret is that I never gave Jennings the respect he deserved. He's a fine soldier that boy.

(Jennings appears)

Jennings: You really mean it, sir?

(Gets backhanded by Chris)

Chris: Don't sneak up on me like that you pizza-faced bumpkin, God you make me vomit!

Pilot: Don't say another word, General. I'm a comin!

(From the woods like a phoenix flies out the smoking Pelican)

Squishy: Amazing!

Jo: Astounding!

Sara: Unbelievable!

Vizzini: Inconceivable!

Anna: Predictable…

Pilot: I ain't done yet. I still got some fight left. (Flies toward laser cannon)

Sylvia: He's heading for the laser.

Chris: Foo Hamma, what're you doing?

Pilot: I'm done for, sir. The old girl's taken too much damage. It's gonna blow any second, and I'm going to make it count.

Cope: Don't be a fool! Jump out and save yourself!

Pilot: No way, hombre. I've got to keep this thing steady and fly it to the end.

Jo: But then you'll kill yourself! Are you really that insane!?

Pilot: Of course I'm that insane! I'm the token black guy for this whole crazy-a** show, in case you couldn't tell from the way I talk! Which, honestly, you probably can't, seeing how you really can't "hear" these words you're reading.

Anna: You don't have to conform to movie clichés! You can be anything unexpected, like an accountant, or the governor of Coruscant. I'm sure you'd do a far better job than the one we already got, even!

Pilot: Sorry, but my fate's decided. I've got to do this.

Chris: Foo Hamma, you are a most courageous soul. Once we get back, we'll eat some watermelon in your memory.

Pilot: I'd much appreciate that. And I'll be sure to have my ghost b**ch-slap you for the blatant rascism.

Chris: I'm looking forward to it, buddy.

(Gives a salute along with everyone else. The mothership is almost fully charged, but Foo Hamma slowly flies up its cannon)

Pilot: Will Smith can kiss my AAAAAAAAA**!

(There's a great explosion. The whole mothership is being riddled with explosions as it starts to fall back. The robo crab pushes off the scarab head in time to see the vessel falling towards it. There's a great boom and shockwave of scattered earth, and when it clears, the bulk of the mothership is a flaming wreck that's blocking the enemy. The whole camp and other troops start cheering and jumping for joy. Chris raises his loudspeaker again)

Chris: That's enough celebrating, people! A brave man just died to save us all, plus that timer above your heads indicates how long we've got before we're as fried as me dating an undercity prostitute! So quit your lollygagging and move out!

(Carriers of all sorts drop down to pick up troops and vehicles)

Chris: If you can't find room on the transports, head for the boats! (Turns to Jedi) So when is this timer thing gonna start up again?

Sylvia: We don't know. It's been pretty unpredictable.

Anna: But forget about that. We still have to report to Ackbar.

Will: Yeah we do. A boatload of dookie just hit the fan, and I've got a good feeling things haven't gotten to their messiest yet.

Squishy: If it hasn't, then let it take its sweet time. I'm pooped…

Jo: Same here, buddy. Same here.

(Jennings appears)

Jennings: Your transport is ready, Sarge. It's just on the other side of camp.

Chris: Excellent. Now, if you'll all accompany me, we can get off this rock for a little R&amp;-

(There's a metallic thud, followed by another. Turn to the mothership wreckage, where it's shaking and thudding faster. Then it blows out in the middle and the crab is standing there, waving its claws and roaring as the timer resumes)

Chris: On second thought, forget the transport. We're taking a speeder. Come on! (Runs off)

Jennings: Why, Sarge?

(Follows, along with Jedi. The crab starts lumbering and gaining speed toward the camp. Chris and Jennings arrive at a green speeder that they hop into)

Chris: We've got to keep that thing from the transports, so we'll lead him to shore and leave by boat. Hop in!

Sara: You've got to be joking! This thing's too small; we'll never fit!

Chris: Sure you will. Just think clown day laborer. Now get in!

(They all cram in and speed off into the jungle with the crab some distance away following them. In the jungle, they wiz past many a foliage)

Cope: Can't this thing go any faster?

Chris: This thing's electric, what did ya expect!

(In the side mirror with the word's "Objects in mirror will butt-rape you raw", we see the crab closing in)

Will: (Manning back turret) I'll slow it down!

(Unloads lasers into crab, but they bounce off and slow the timer intermittently)

Will: Dang blasters! They're doing nothing!

(Some of the bounced shots hit a tree farther ahead, causing it to fall. The speeder passes, but the crab gets crushed, stopping the timer)

Will: Ha! That got it!

Jo: Branches!

(The speeder pushes through some low branches. One of them is pushed aside, then swings back to smack Will in the face, knocking him off and hitting the ground. The speeder continues with the beach ahead of it)

Sara: Will!?

Cope: Of all the things to happen, it had to be that!

Chris: Enough whining! We're almost there!

(Back to Will, he sits up and rubs a searing red spot that runs diagonally across his face. Behind him, the crab busts from the fallen tree, restarting the timer and prompting Will to get up and run. He reaches a small drop, where he leaps down onto the sand and dashes forward as the crab climbs down after him. Will hurries across the war-torn beach as the crab starts targeting and locking onto him. At the last remaining boat, Jo stands in its open front waving Will in, while inexplicably having a fake Tyson tattoo on his face. Will leaps from the sands, where in slo-mo and with cheap sound FX we get a shot of him leaping at the screen, arms raised with the crab behind him. He lands in the boat with Jo as it starts to back out while closing its front. The crab persists by trundling into the shallows after the boat. On the deck, Chris leaps into a chair holding a plasma rifle as we see the crab, three feet from the boat, rear up and roar. While it's roaring, a ginormous laser cannon builds up from the plasma rifle, and when it's fully assembled, it's twice the length of the vessel. The crab has stopped roaring and remains still with bulging eyes as the water around it turns yellow. On board)

Jennings: Sarge, I don't think this is a good idea!

(Gets shoved down by Chris)

Chris: Shut up and get down! (Turning to trigger and crab) Fire… Corn nachos.

(Pulls trigger. There's an immense blast that sends the boat roaring backwards toward the sea with yelling passengers, and the crab spinning high into the air and crashing with a thud in the middle of the island, stopping the timer. We get a nice view of the island just as the timer counts down its final seconds, then when it hits zero, there's a flash and the whole island is covered in flames. Then Metal Slug music plays as the letters that spell "Mission Complete" fly onto a screen and a voice says the words. Then everything fades)

_So you survived…_

_I'll be waiting._

**To be settled…**


	4. Episode 3

**Star Warz**

**Episode [Flag]:**

**Termination**

_Welcome back, readers! If you are reading this, then you managed to survive the LONGEST &amp; MOST KICK-A** EPISODE TO DATE! Yes, quite a many hours and aching fingers wrapped around a mechanical pencil went into making a fine stack of processed redwood pulp into something that grand. At least, that's how it was for me and the original transcripts, whereas my awesome transcriber had to deal with hours of aching wrists, dry eyes, fatigue and mounting insanity in converting all that chicken scratch onto a digital format for your reading convenience. But I digress; time to recap:_

_After the near-assassinations of several characters, the Republic went to war with the Contractor on the captured planet of Mon Calamari. The first day saw an insanely LARGE amount of action on land, sea and air. The Jedi, along with General Chris and a little help from the Jaa-Ruuk children, managed to tackle key spots in heavily fortified areas. However, they faced much resistance from various unusual enemies, mostly Mega Man bosses and Metal Slug baddies. But after besting an assorted of oddball commanders and making an awesome island landing, the Republic had established a firm foothold on the planet._

_Now it has been two days since the first planetfall. About 99% of the planet is back under Republic control, and resistance has waned considerably since the first day's fighting. Yet there is still no sign of the Contractor, or his supposed fortress of doom. We now join our heroes clearing stragglers on a remote island, unsuspecting of what is about to come._

(Midday. Show a large island with beaches and various woods. Various aircraft fly around providing escorts or moving supplies. Within some woods, there is silence before rustling occurs. Coming out of some bushes steps out a man with a hairy face and decked in military camo)

Chris: Come on, chaps. It's not that strenuous.

(Walks on. Following behind is a soldier carrying about 150 pounds of stuff on his back like a pack mule and trudging along)

Jennings: Sarge… The weight on my back is making it hard to see… I don't know where I'm going.

Chris: Just follow the sound of my voice like we talked about and keep marching, you baby!

(Following behind the unfortunate soldier are the Jedi, cutting through some of the foliage with their sabers)

Sara: How much longer do we have to go on? I'm tired.

Will: Who knows. Chris has been looking for a fight since the first day, no matter how small.

Anna: Highly doubtful we're gonna find any, since sightings have pretty much gone to zilch.

Jo: But until we do, Chris is gonna have us trudge around for a few more hours.

(Sara whines)

Will: Don't take it so hard, sweetie. At least we're getting getting exercise.

Cope: Plus, Squishy isn't whining about the heat or the air or whatever crap he complains about.

Anna: Say, where is Squishy anyway?

Sara: And Sylvia for that matter. I could have sworn they were behind us.

Jo: Well I'll be derned! They managed to ditch us!

Cope: I should've known! That weasel's always leaving us like this!

Anna: Why is it that we never follow his example?

Cope: I don't know, but when we find him I'm gonna-

Chris: Hey! I hear stragglers! I don't take too kindly to stragglers in my command, you hear me!?

Jo: Come on, guys. We can discuss vengeance later. I'm in no mood for Chris to pull a Drunken Monkey on us again.

Will: Yeah, come on, Sara. Just a little longer.

(They trudge on. Switch to some coastline. Walking along the shoreline are Squishy and Sylvia, taking a leisurely stroll and holding hands as best as a midget and a tall lizard can manage)

Sylvia: Ahh… The sun and air feels nice.

Squishy: It certainly pays to have friends to unknowingly help you in getting out of patrol duty. Been so long since we got to be here.

Sylvia: It doesn't feel right, though, leaving them to put up with Chris so we can go out and relax. Even if this place is special for us.

Squishy: Yeah, I know. I'll think of some way to make it up to them.

(They approach a piece of beach where there's a large rock imbedded not too far from the water)

Sylvia: Look: over there...

Squishy: Yeah… That's it…

(They go over to the rock. Squishy puts a hand against it, caressing it)

Squishy: To think, only a few years ago, this was where we first met. Not a thing's changed…

Sylvia: I doubt things would ever change on such a small island like this, but the way thing's been going, nothing is certain.

Squishy: Yeah, but it never hurts to reminisce. Yep, we were just two strangers in the night back then, having a chat and chilling to some sweet music. Who knew we'd turn out like this.

Sylvia: Uh-huh. It's been a hectic, but wonderful outcome. But I recall it being sunset when we met.

Squishy: (Chuckle) Close enough. Still seemed like destiny that night, though. Just two very different people coming together like that, seemingly out of nowhere.

Sylvia: Hmhm, but that's how love usually is, right? It happens when you least expect it to. Especially one like ours.

(Bends down to snuggle against Squishy's head)

Squishy: Heheh, yeah. But, I dunno. That connection we made, it really felt predes-

_Because it was._

(There is a thump as the screen waves bit and Squishy touches his head)

Sylvia: Honey, what's wrong?

Squishy: Probably nothing. I just felt a little-

(Another thump and screen wavering. Then another and Squishy puts both hands to his head)

_Star-crossed lovers…_

(More intense thumping. Squishy writhes a bit)

_Torn asunder…_

(Thump-thump)

_Judgment to be made…_

(Thump-thump)

Sylvia: Squishy? What is it?

Squishy: Gah… I can… feel him. He's near. So close…

Sylvia: Who is? You mean...?

Squishy: That… b****rd…

_Hmph. It's about time you found me._

(All goes quiet. Squishy relaxes and moves his hands away. But then the ground starts to shake, slowly growing in intensity. Far out into the water, there's some rippling and froth forming. Coming out of the woods are the Jedi and Chris, who join the couple)

Chris: Dang slackers! About time we found ya's.

Will: What's going on here? What's with all the shaking?

Squishy: Your guess is as good as mine, but it can't be good.

Cope: No duh!

Anna: Hey, what's with the water?

(They look out to sea. The small rippling and frothing have now grown to a boiling appearance. Bubbles and splashing grows out a considerable distance before stopping to form a circle shape. Then from the surface rises up a round, large, iron tower that pushes onwards to the sky. It keeps rising and rising until eventually stopping, where it has a definite height of 50 stories and a diameter of 500 feet. It truly is a sight to behold)

Chris: Well… That's certainly different.

Jedi: You think!?

(Later, we turn to the base of the immense tower, where the Jedi and Chris are standing on a platform attached to the base)

Jo: So what do you make of it, guys?

Sara: A bit strange, for several reasons.

Will: No doors, no stairs, no ladders, and this platform's the only protrusion.

Anna: I get the impression that we're not wanted.

Cope: But we're gonna have to get in one way or another. This place practically reeks of secret headquarters.

Chris: Exactly. That's the spirit all my troops need, whether they're dying slowly or just from boredom.

Anna: So what do we do now?

Chris: Establish our reason for standing around doing nothing for the benefit of the reader. And the opportunity should be coming up right abooooooooooooout-

(A boat carrying Ackbar and his tech officer arrives)

Chris: Now.

Jo: (Gives salute) Admiral. It's good to see you, sir.

Ackbar: It's good to see you all as well. Now, what do we have here?

Will: This tower just rose from the water and nothing else. We believe it's the Contractor's stronghold.

Ackbar: If that's so then, why haven't our men been sent into this place?

Cope: Because this place is totally sealed off. A flyby showed no openings. Also, there's some electrical field that's keeping all craft from getting 100 feet near it, otherwise they risk getting shorted out.

Anna: Meaning that there's no way to put a squad on top of it. Plus, the outside is covered in a super thick metal. Ain't no way we can take a mountaineer approach.

Ackbar: This is just great! The enemy headquarters is right at our feet and we can't break into it. Worse yet, all this quiet is sending personnel back into space, limiting our manpower. The hopes of properly ending this war are steadily growing slim here.

Tech. Off: Might I say something that may help?

Ackbar: Really? Well, go ahead.

Tech. Off: Thank you. Now, as you may recall, Squishy and Sylvia went into a wormhole created by the Contractor in order to rescue their children. From what I had been told, you two encountered beings from different video games, am I correct?

Squishy: Yes you are.

Sylvia: It was beyond bizarre what we saw and did there.

Tech. Off: Well in my spare time, I took some of my comrades to the site of this wormhole to do some research into this phenomenon, and after much study and testing, we were able to open a small gap in time and space.

Sylvia: Really?

Tech. Off: Indeed, and as another great discovery, when we sent a probe into the hole, it came back with these.

(Pulls out a pair of small, pointy red shoes)

Chris: Shoes?

Tech. Off: Not just any ordinary shoes, General. Though they're normally mundane, when put onto the right-sized foot, the wearer will have gained an immense boost in running speed, with an increased top speed of up to 60 mph.

Squishy: (Smacks head) Now I remember! Those shoes belong to Sonic the Hedgehog; you guys swiped them from his universe!

Group: Hubba-WHAT!?

Cope: Preposterous!

Jo: Impossible!

Anna: Improbable!

Vizzini: Also inconceivable!

Sara: Unlikely!

Chris: Kinky! (WTF?)

Tech. Off: Though it sounds farfetched, the proof is in my hand nevertheless.

Ackbar: So what does this scientific find have to do with our current situation?

Tech. Off: I thought these would be of use to you in your more... unorthodox methodology, so in my spare time I crafted personal footwear for all of you based off the special makeup of Sonic's shoes. I got them in the boat right now.

Will: Now I see: we put on the shoes, and using our new-found speed, we'll jet up these walls and make it to the top.

Chris: Alright! It's about time I got my freak activity of the week done. When do we start?

Tech. Off: Sorry sir, but I only made shoes for the Jedi.

Chris: Baklava!

Ackbar: Also, I don't want you to go anyway. This looks like another job only the Jedi should do. We should fall back to our orbital ships in case something should happen.

Chris: Oh fine. I'll be waiting in the boat.

Tech. Off: Wait up; I've got to get the shoes. (The two leave)

Ackbar: (To Jedi) Now here is where you come in, Jedi. This is looking to be the final battle, where the prime target shall be the Contractor himself. This a battle you have fought before on behalf of us all, but just like before, you won't have any backup of any kind. However, I can't stress the importance of staying cautious in these situations. You should undoubtedly know how unpredictable he can be, as this call to war is further proof of his erratic behavior. So just stay sharp and be ready for anything; we can't afford losing such fine warriors, not to mention honorable individuals, as yourselves to this mad man.

Jo: Don't worry sir; we'll be fine.

Squishy: The Contractor will be down in no time.

Cope: We'll bring his a** back on a platter.

Sara: With all the trimmings!

Group: Huzzah!

Ackbar: That's good to hear. Now, go give them h**l, Jedi. The Republic's hopes and prayers will always be behind you.

(Salutes, gets return salute, then marches away to a drum roll. After it quiets)

Will: Gee… I'm feeling pretty nervous now.

Anna: Ah relax! Things are gonna be fine.

Sylvia: I don't know; we hadn't anticipated anything that's happened up to now.

Jo: That may be, but it's still a job to do, and it's someone we're experienced at whuppin'. Just make sure to save the choicest piece of a** for Alex.

Cope: Say what!? (Laughter abounds) God I hate you guys...

(Later, we see the group running up the side of the tower at crazy speed while wearing red footwear to Sonic music)

Jo: Yee-Haw! Here we go!

Anna: The G's are smashing my glasses to my face!

Will: It's like we're tearing this thing up at 2000 degrees!

Squishy: Probably why I'd call you Mr. Fahrenheit!

Cope: Don't you sing anything, Squishy! Nothing to distract us from the task of keeping ourselves from plummeting to a very messy end!

Squishy: Oh come on you don't mean that!

Cope: Yes I do!

Will: Enough talk! We're near the top; increase pace!

Sara: Wheeeee!

(They soon zip up off above the tower and land smoothly on its top. They look around)

Anna: I don't see a door…

Cope: That's just great! All that pointless running for nothing. I would have had more dignity being shot from a cannon!

Sylvia: Why are you so uptight, Alex?

Cope: It's my time of the month that's why you-Wait… GAHH! Squishy!

Squishy: What? I didn't do anything!

Cope: Your very existence is driving me CRAZY!

Will: HUSH! Enough bickering; there's got to be entrance somewhere.

Sara: Yeah, gang. Let's split up and look for clues.

(They start searching the area. Jo chances upon a red button in the ground in the middle of the top)

Jo: Oi, Squishy! (Squishy comes over) Do you see the red button?

Squishy: Yeah…?

Jo: I want you to step on the red button.

Squishy: Why do I have to do it?

Jo: Because you know very well that button has to be pushed to get anything done, so step on the d**n thing already!

Squishy: Okay, fine! Sheesh, don't go bust an artery on me.

(Steps on the button. The other Jedi come closer)

Squishy: See? Nothing happened.

(There's some rumbling, then suddenly Squishy is shot high in the air, yelling)

Will: (Looking up) Doesn't look like nothing.

Jo: All for you, Alex.

Cope: I sincerely appreciate the gesture, Jo.

(Suddenly the top of the tower lifts up as a platform and carries the Jedi away. Sections of the tower start coming off, forming various objects such as half-pipes, loops, rails, springboards, and other such things. These things start to arrange and float themselves in place before the tower. As one rail rises into place, Squishy lands on it between his legs with a brang)

Squishy: (Pained look) Stupid comedic arrangement…

(Falls off rail and crashes onto Jedi platform below him. After a while, the whole array of objects have formed into one long hovering obstacle course leading to the tower. The Jedi platform lands at the other end of the course)

Sara: What's all this, then?

Anna: Seems to be a defense perimeter, and a mighty big one at that.

Will: So how do we get past it?

Squishy: (Recovering) Simple: we run through it. This course is set up like a Sonic stage, so if we run through it, then we should find an open doorway at the other end.

Cope: And what gives you that idea?

Anna: Hours of relentless gaming in lieu of early social interaction?

Jo: And maybe because it's the only choice we got. My sexy sense is picking up an electric field over this whole course, so we won't be flying over there.

Will: Meaning we suck it in and just roll with it.

Jo: Exactly, so let's move it.

Sylvia: Alright!

Cope: Fine…

Squishy: Since we're agreed, let's get into position. (They line up and prep for a sprint start) On your marks, get set, GO!

(They break for it as "That's The Way I Like It" from Sonic Adventure 2 plays. They run through the obstacle course like a Sonic the Hedgehog stage, with the group separating to follow different tracks. They go through many things including ramps, rails, loop-de-loops and springboards. Eventually they regroup on one single track that leads straight to the tower)

Sara: Looks like we're near the end.

Anna: That wasn't so bad.

(As they approach and start running up the tower wall once again, they are watched by two hard-hat metolls in a security office. The metolls bounce a bit and one grabs and pulls down a lever. Outside, alarms go off and the obstacle course starts breaking apart and reforming. Back on the tower wall)

Sylvia: What's going on!?

Will: Crap! I think they're onto us!

(Suddenly the section above them curves back so that the group runs up and backwards upside down before running off into air. They land on a rail and grind along and through the air as more reconstruction takes place)

Squishy: Extreme!

Jo: It's gonna get hairy!

(When the rail ends, they leap off and hit a wall feet first so that they zoom downwards at a 90 degree angle. At the bottom, they hit some springs and go into the air again, this time landing on a wide track that circles the tower in a spiral. As they're running along, Quick Man runs alongside them, followed by Overdrive Ostrich. As the runners start trying to bump each other off the road, Shadow Man and Flame Stag join the race)

Cope: Oh give us a break already!

(The struggle continues until they start going up a long ramp. They keep running up and then go down another ramp, followed Turbo Man in his car form. The group increase speed and then enter a curved half-pipe-like track that rolls to the left. One of the machines flies off the track, and another two fly off when the track swings to a left orientation, leaving just Quick &amp; Turbo Man. Soon the track levels out and there's a ginormous loop in front of the group. As they run up it, they hit a spinner that makes them go super fast. Though most of the group make it around, Quick Man runs fast enough to bust through the roof and shoot off into orbit. Now we see the Jedi running up a ramp running over speed strips that make them go sonic speed. As the air gets blurry around them, the group flies off the end of the ramp, covering 200 feet of airspace before landing and abruptly stopping on a small landing pad sticking out of the tower. Turbo Man soon follows, but goes too fast and ends up smashing into the tower wall 50 feet above the Jedi. His wreckage stays stuck for a bit before exploding. Then Sonic Zone Clear music plays as points get tallied up. Back on the landing, the Jedi are panting like crazy)

Anna: God-D**n! (Pant pant pant)

Sara: My legs… (Pant pant pant)

Squishy: (On ground) My lungs... (Hur hur hur)

Jo: Me heart… (Pant pant pant)

(5 minutes later, the heroes have recovered)

Will: So what's the damage?

Sylvia: Well, our shoes are shot. (Holds up a torn, smoking pair of the shoes)

Jo: But we made it. There's a door right there.

Cope: Good, now we can finish this holy war already.

(They head to the door)

Squishy: Wait. (They stop) That door looks mighty familiar...

Anna: What? Nah, you're crazy.

Will: Yeah, cuz if this door should be familiar, we should all have seen it.

Squishy: Why?

Jo: Cut the chatter and let's move, people!

Will: Okay…

(They reach the door. From the side, we see a center screw turning before the door splits in half and opens. They walk into a large, square chamber with a high ceiling and a rectangular window running along two sides of the room. The door slams closed as the Jedi stop and gasp at the sight of)

Jedi: Chris!?

(At the other end of the room is Chris in his usual military garb. He's just standing around)

Jo: General… What're you doing here?

Chris: The mission's a bust, guys. I'm calling for immediate abortion.

Squishy: Qué what!?

Sylvia: You've got to be joking!

Chris: I'm sorry, fellas. We were just too late.

Will: Too late? What do you mean too late?

Chris: There's to be no further questions. I'm ordering you to leave this place at once.

Anna: Uh-uh no way! We're going _nowhere_ until you tell us why it's mission abort!

Cope: Yeah, and how did you get up here anyway?

Chris: None of that is important. All you need to know is that you did your best, but your best just wasn't good enough.

Jo: Bull chips! What's the real reason!? We've freakin' infiltrated the place!

Chris: No you haven't. Listen, it's mission failure, okay? Just turn off the game.

Anna: Say what?

Chris: This story has dragged on way too long. Just back out to the home page and look up some MLP or Naruto fan fiction. No one cares about Star Wars fics, anyway.

Squishy: What're you talking about?

Chris: Get the air freshener, push the handle and eat some cheese. It's only diarrhea.

Sylvia: Huh-what did you say!?

Chris: Copeland, tear up the tickets and walk away. It's the freakin' lottery for gosh sakes! You really had no chance to begin with!

Cope: The h**l you say! (Tries to rush him, but is held back by others)

Jo: What's the meaning of all this, Chris?

Chris: Never… Not while Gurlugah lurks within my bladder's cyberspace so-o-o-o-o BZZZT I need scissors sixty-one! Ker-be-buh-boo-oo-boo…

Sara: I'm scared, Will.

Chris: Don't be, Sharie. Meryl isn't acting like herself. Watch yourself guys! Nipple mutha-f***a!

(Starts dial-up noises from his mouth as the Jedi stand uncomfortable and afraid. Then Chris starts singing a Rastafarian tune with a Jamaican voice)

Cope: What the h**l are you?

Chris: Oh William! I'm pregnant, William! It's… your… Baby... Wiiiiiii*Glitch*iiill…

Sara: William!

(Slaps Will hard on face)

Will: Ow! Sara, are you even listening to this guy!?

Sara: I've heard enough, and I never want to see you again!

Jo: Don't be a fool, Sara: that thing isn't Chris.

Squishy: That's right, so whatever you are, show who you really are!

(An alarm comes off the Chris impostor, causing it to shake and speak in a female voice)

Chris-Thing: WARNING! Subject Chris disguise penetrated! Aborting Deception Program; initiating Combat Status! Uploading Colonel Program!

(Lightning shoots from the ceiling and hits various spots around the room, with a huge one hitting the impostor in a flash. When sight returns, the impostor is now wearing a black armor suit that looks like a military uniform of some type. He also wears a big black hat, and when he raises an arm to the air, a bolt of lightning hits his hand and becomes a sword hilt, which shoots out a red saber. The thing gets into a combat position)

Chris-Thing: DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!

Squishy: Ah yeah, son! It's time to brawl!

Jo: To battle!

Anna: It's about time!

(They fight to to the awesome "Repliforce Battle" theme from MMX4. Speaking of which, the Chris mimic fights like the Colonel from MMX4, swinging slashes along the ground and using lightning to light up the floor. The Jedi go helter-skelter about the place, dodging attacks while getting in close to land some hits. The Chris Bot parries and leaps back from a number of the attack, and tosses in some teleportation and sliding maneuvers to intensify the battle. However, after one particularly strong downward slash from Will, the impostor seizes up and starts flashing before exploding Mega Man style. When all can be seen, only the sparking remains of the robot's upper torso remain)

Sara: Yay, we did it!

Sylvia: Whoopee!

Will: In your face, replicant!

(Noise comes from the thing as it raises itself on an elbow. It makes a metallic chuckle)

Chris-Thing: Foolish meatbags. You're all so quick to celebrate, but you have yet to accomplish anything of significance.

Jo: Whatever! After this, things will be a cinch.

Chris-Things: Mortal… You refuse to acknowledge the obvious, instead relishing in your false hope. But false hope cannot save you from what is clear: All your base are belong to us! You are on the way to destruction!

Cope: What you say!?

Chris-Thing: You heard me, and the other organic slime knows it. You are on the way to destruction. Make… your… time… Ha ha ha…

(The torso explodes, leaving nothing. Mega Man victory music plays)

Sara: That was certainly odd.

Squishy: But we can't be fazed. We have yet to reach our target.

Jo: So let's push on, Towards Danger!

(They head to the door at the other end. After its opening and closing animation plays out, the Jedi find themselves in a narrower room with an unseeable ceiling.)

Will: Helloooo! Anybody home?

Anna: What's with the silence?

Sylvia: Maybe they're sleeping.

Sara: Maybe they don't know we're in here yet.

Cope: Or maybe it's one of those calm moments before-(There's a great stomp) Yep. That's definitely it.

(There's another stomp, along with the sound of hydraulics. The stomping gets closer until the enemy appears from the other end of the room. The foe is an immense behemoth of metal and armor as it stomps in, standing at 20 feet upon two legs and wielding 2 arms with spike arrays for hands. Where its head should be is a control panel that's seating the short, purple menace himself: Vile. After stopping his ride armor)

Vile: Gwaheheheheheheee! So! The great Jedi have made it to the second security room; I'm mildly impressed.

Will: I'm not surprised that you are. That pile of bolts you tried to pass off as Chris wasn't really a challenge.

Vile: Fool! You continue to remain insolent in the face of your own death! But I'll change all that soon enough.

Anna: Sure you will. Just keep telling yourself that.

Vile: I'm serious! My mega battle armor will grind you into dust, while at the same time inflicting you with tortuous pain that goes far beyond all imagination.

Squishy: Yawn. Like we haven't heard a threat like that before.

Cope: Hey, "Boba", why don't you do us a favor and be a knock-off for someone else as lame as yourself. There's no point defacing an icon with the likes of you.

Vile: Veal nuggets! Your childish insults shall become the death of you! Time to perish!

Jo: Whatever you say, Mr. Roboto.

Vile: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr DIE DIE DIIIE!

(The behemoth moves into a combat stance. Then a melodic whistling is heard)

Sara: Where's that?

(A red beam lands atop the battle armor, turning out to be Proto Man)

Proto Man: Sorry I'm late, but here I am. What did I miss?

Vile: (Looking befuddled &amp; horrified) Gah! What're you doing here!?

Proto Man: Ain't it obvious? I'm here to provide back-up. Now, where's Mega Man?

Vile: No you idiot! You're not supposed to be on here! This battle armor has been built with precise space-time continuum calibrations! If two objects from two separate points in a timeline converge somewhere on the suit, then the suit's internal A.I. will initiate a counter program to even out the relevance anomaly, resulting in a surge of energy that will consume the two variants, which will in turn equal out the affected sector and thus bring calm and equivalence to the whole of existence, but otherwise-

Proto Man: Hey hey, slow down, little guy! Could you say all that in English?

Vile: What it all means, you outdated Power Ranger wannabe, is that your very presence on my suit means that both of you will cancel each other out, ergo, you've just started our very anti-material breakup and obliteration, meaning WE'RE FRIED YOU DOLTED PILE OF S**T!

Proto Man: Ohhhhhhh... I still don't get it.

(Light starts emanating from the suit)

Vile: Why me?

(The lights get brighter and brighter until the screen flares up in white with a VWUMP! When all's clear, there is nothing left of the suit or its two passengers)

Anna: That was über pointless…

Will: But look on the bright side: We didn't have to break a sweat.

Sara: Or even move an inch.

Jo: Exactly. And since we're so blessed at the moment, let's move on.

Squishy: Right you are, Joseph. Right you are.

?: Not yet.

(There is a falling noise, then hitting the ground hard in a crouched position is Vile. Upon standing up, he's in his blue MMX3 attire)

Squishy: What!?

Vile: Heh heh. Sorry to disappoint, but I won't be going down that easily.

Anna: How the freak did you escape that!?

Sylvia: And what's with all the blue? You look like a beetle.

Vile: To answer both, there is an advantage to having multiple appearances in a franchise: there's the guaranteed second life.

(Noises from audience voice boos and "Cheap!" or "You suck, Capcom!")

Vile: Yeah, screw you guys, too!

Cope: Well this is lame.

Squishy: But I sorta expected this to happen.

Vile: Whatever your output, it's still your time to die. Dig it!

(Rushes at them. Then they start fighting to Vile's battle music as he slides around, leaping through the air while continuously shooting his shoulder cannon. However, his speed doesn't save him from getting hit by an aerial spin from Sara, forcing him to hit the floor face down and smoking)

Will: What now, toaster head?

Anna: That was a tad more invigorating, but not by much.

Jo: Nevertheless we are victorious once again, thus we can continue our epic que-

(Lightning strikes Vile's body. He slowly gets up, hunched over)

Cope: Oh come on, Die already!

Vile: Never… I'll, never, fall to you... My defeat will not repeat itself. Rage will guide me… You all shall be my trophies… I Have Fury!

(He starts shaking and groaning. Then cracking noises are heard as his limbs start to bulge out with inhuman muscle. Then a red eye pops into his visor, and with a roar he pulls back his arms, splitting his cape thing into wing-like slivers, and then bursts out an immense, golden aura as his body turns gold and a DBZ glowing noise is made)

Will: Ah jeez...

Vile: Yeeeeeeees… The power! The rage! The range of emotion; my unlimited source of strength! With this power, I shall destroy you sponges, and then I will set out to destroy the bounty hunter who wears my image and makes me look like the copycat. Only then will I become the universe's true model of perfection: (In Engrish) VIRERU, ZE SUPREMU BADO-A**U! (Laughs maniacally)

Jo: Now this isn't a lovely bunch of coconuts we have before us, guys.

Sara: What do we do? How do we face someone that refined in the field of ultimate bad-a**ery conversion!?

Squishy: Very simply, Sara: we CRANK IT UP!

(With a whip he lashes a nearby boom box, turning it on. Then the opening licks of the Metal Slug 5 boss theme play out as the two sides engage. To intense beats and licks, the Jedi take on the new Vile, who has gained immense speed stats, the ability to fire an insane missile barrage at whim, and even throws in a Kamehameha or two that nearly fries Squishy and Jo. It is an intense struggle, as the Jedi leap around the room dodging and striking. Eventually, Vile hovers in the center of the room and cackles while raining down lightning and bomblets. Once it ends, Squishy takes the opportunity to leap up and bounce off his head, disorienting him long enough for Cope's finishing blow. Vile goes into a frozen pained state as he hovers above the group, shaking with light coming off him)

Vile: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-how!? W-w-w-w-why!? To l-l-l-lose… Again-n-n-n-n!? Not possib-b-b-b-ble! The universe, needs me-e-e-e-e… How could it For-r-r-rsake ME!?

(He starts shuddering with small explosions before losing his gold finish and hitting the floor, still exploding. Soon he's nothing but a charred, smoking robot. The Jedi are panting)

Squishy: Good God, that was too much.

Cope: Are your needs finally fulfilled, Anna?

Anna: Oh yeah. Most definitely.

Will: What a struggle…

Sylvia: Can we rest a bit?

Jo: Nope. We've got to push on. It won't be over until he's out of the picture.

Squishy: Right. Then let's continue.

Sara: Oh man...

(They walk past Vile's remains and through another Mega Man-esque door. They're in another large room)

Jo: Alright you scoundrels, show yourselves already. We're in no mood for all this waiting crap.

Sara: Jo!

?: Patience, little one. You shall be tended to shortly.

Sylvia: Who said that?

?2: There's no need to raise your voice, little chica.

Will: Hey, that voice sounds familiar…

?3: It should be: that's the sound of your own death a-coming.

Cope: Who are you!?

?: I'm right here.

(Walking in from an unseen corridor comes in the winged horse form of the Skiver. The Jedi are staring aghast)

Skiver: Hello, and welcome to the end of the road. A welcome relief it should be for warriors such as yourselves.

Squishy: How the freak are you-!

?2: Shouldn't it be obvious, cholo?

(Ice Man walks in)

Ice Man: This is a Mega Man satire. And in any proper parody, tradition must be upheld.

?3: That's right.

(Walk in Napalm Man)

Jo: Oh god not you!

Napalm Man: And tradition for us states that before you meet the big boss, you're gonna have to face your previous foes _all over again_.

Anna: You mean we have to face you three again?

?4: Not just them.

(Axel the Red drops in)

Axel: They mean every past foe.

(Search Man appears)

Search Man: Affirmative!

(Gyro Man appears)

Gyro Man: Your blasphemous spawn killed me, so I'm gonna return the favor!

(Slash Man jumps in)

Slash Man: Not before I get them back for destroying my hair!

(Bubble Crab appears)

Crab: They killed me off too soon. I never even got to say a line!

(Wood Man arrives)

Wood Man: I'm gonna wood chuck you hard, boy!

Skiver: So as you can see, you have quite the roster to face off with. A roster that seeks revenge.

Ice Man: Yeah, homes. There ain't no way you're getting out of here in one piece.

Napalm Man: So bend over and kiss your butts goodbye, cuz it's gonna hurt bad.

Skiver: Indeed. Because-

Axel: Surrounded by enemies-

Crab: In tight quarters-

Gyro Man: With no escape-

Search Man: No chance-

Wood Man: No hope-

Slash Man: Not even a prayer! Tee hee!

Ice Man: You're guaranteed no chance of survival.

Napalm Man: Which can only mean one thing:

All: (In Japanese) **Mega-Doom Torture Boss Endurance CHALLENGE!**

(In the back of the room, a platform rises out of the floor, revealing tiers loaded with tons of Robot Masters &amp; Mavericks)

Squishy: Ahhhh s**t… Ahhhhh s**t on me…

Cope: Santa Maria…

Anna: We're sooooo boned…

Skiver: That's right, you surely are! And it's even more so considering that you'll be facing EVERY MEGA MAN BOSS IN EXISTENCE ALL AT ONCE!

Napalm Man: Tis a glorious day for machines everywhere! This calls for a song!

Ice Man: I hear ya, esé. So for your listening pleasure, I'll be hitting your eardrums with one of my early hit singles. Didn't think me much a rocker, eh, hermanos? Well, help yourself to my sweet rockin' licks as I play you to your demise.

(He leaps back onto the top of the tiered platform, busting out an electric guitar and a slick pair of shades)

Ice Man: Time to Shine, my brothers.

(The lights go out, then synth music wildly plays to the accompaniment of several waving stage lasers and strobelights all around the center platform. Suddenly flood lights and pyrotechnics light up the center platform, where Ice Man jams out the song "Shining Collection" from Gravitation on his guitar. As he wails away the opening licks, all the Mega Man bosses glow and take on a shiny appearance that affects their colorations. They begin approaching the Jedi, who raise up their sabers to do battle as Ice Man starts to sing. Sing along, ye rockers and yaoists!)

Ice Man: _Garasu no bedo ni, toraware no MOTION!_

_Tesaguri de shukujo, wa kamikuuudaku._

_Soliday na TAIL de, midara na hane COLLECTION!_

_Himei hodo mujaki no, yo-ru-ga hoshiiiii._

_Yuuutsu no oriii de odoru, jiyuu to uso ni tsuranukare._

_Moroku maichiru PUZZURERU! Kono shihai kara tobitateeeeeee!_

_Kiss SHIII-NING! Hitomi ni kuchizukete._

_Toke daaaaa-su, hanabira mo jama ni naru._

_Make Me SHIII-NING! Irozuku shigeki no ha-te ni._

_Kagayaaaaaki, hajimeta maboooroshiiiiii!_

(As the song takes an instrumental break, we see the Jedi fighting the onslaught of reborn Mega Man bosses valiantly. But much to their dismay, all their strikes against their foes merely bounce off their shiny exteriors, effectively forcing them to go on the defensive)

Cope: What's the deal? Why can't we hurt them!?

Squishy: Methinks it's their spiffy new gloss!

Jo: Got any nail polish remover, Sara?

Sara: No; I forgot to bring some!

Jo: Well bollocks!

(Ice Man resumes singing)

Ice Man: _Taa! Iki wa somaru..._

_Akakuuu, nureta yubisaaa-ki ni._

_Ha-ba-ta-ke-nu, chou no na-mi-da,_

_Su be, te, wa, su-naaa, na naru._

_Shining MAAAKE YOU CRYYYYYYY!_

(Another instrumental break, and the Jedi are backed into a corner. With the gleaming robots bearing down on them, they gird themselves)

Sylvia: What do we do at this point?

Jo: Keep fighting until an opening shows up.

Cope: If it does.

Jo: Don't let up!

(They throw themselves back into combat as the music kicks back up. It's an endless struggle as Ice Man continues his righteous song)

Ice Man: _Kiss SHIII-NING! Hitomi ni kuchizukete._

_Toke daaaaa-su, hanabira mo jama ni naru._

_Kill Me SHIII-NING-_

(Suddenly an immense fist smashes his head off, making him explode and stopping the music. At that moment, the lights return to normal, and the shinyness of the robots vanishes along with it. Everyone just stands stock still in the absence of the music, the robots surprised at losing their polish. Before anyone can say anything about it, Anna steps forward and raises an arm)

Anna: HAAAAAAH!

(A massive lightning maelstrom erupts from her upraised palm, spreading out and viciously electrifying all the robots on the floor in several blindingly painful seconds. When she withdraws her attack, all the bots short out and crumple onto the ground, whereupon they erupt into a discordant cacophony of various death explosions. The other Jedi look on speechless, while Anna huffs in recovery)

Squishy: Wooow...

Sara: Yeah... Total annihilation.

Jo: ...Don't mean to point this out, but... You realize how much time and trouble you could have saved us if you had done this more often.

Anna: Yeah? Well, maybe because I didn't feel like doing it all those other times. Or maybe a certain writer likes to forget that I can _do this sort of thing_. (Gives death glare to screen)

(Gulp!)

Sylvia: But what made all the music stop?

Sara: Who's over there?

(Turn back to the massive fist, which belongs to Duff McWhalan)

Jedi: Duff!?

(Hubba-qué!? 0_o)

Duff: Aye it be me, though I can't say the same for Octopardo. The b****rds up top thought he wasn't worthy enough to bring back.

Jo: McWhalan! You're, you're here! But how come, uh, why did you, err... WTF, man!?

Will: I think what Jo's trying to say is: Why didn't you fight us and such?

Duff: I fight for honor, not to achieve some mad man's goal. Unlike those other savages, I retain a set of standards and dignity, and they're telling me this whole set up stinks. When we fought at first, it was of my own free will, but an override program caused me to go into a berserk state that only my highest priorities could remove. My "leaders" held no value for battle; they just wanted things done, no matter the losses or casualties. So when given a second chance, I sought to set things right, which is why I stayed out of this fight.

Cope: And wound up helping us by killing one of your own, eh?

Duff: That's right. Everyone had an unfair advantage through Ice Man's singing, so I evened the odds. Though I have to say, I hadn't expected you to settle things so quickly. It was actually quite frightening.

Will: Just goes to show: you never want to piss off Anna.

Anna: And how.

Sylvia: But why did you do that for us?

Duff: I told you before: I fight for honor. You fight for many different reasons than my own, but honor is among those that we share. Which is why I wish to join you, and bring purpose and reason back to warfare by destroying all those who sully it with selfish ambitions.

Jo: So you're saying you want to come with us?

Duff: Yes. I believe my skills will be of great use for the upcoming battle.

Anna: Awesome!

(Music plays and the message "The Admiral Duff joined your party!" appears)

Squishy: This is great! Not only do we get a powerful ally, but he's also one of my favorite Mega Man bosses! Yes!

Will: We are greatly humbled by your participation in helping us.

Duff: There's no need to be. I've paid my debt to you for opening my eyes, and now I'm in it for myself. Now without further delay, let's head to the core of this madness, and strike down those who-

(There's a blast and a laser goes straight through Duff's chest. Shocking music plays and the Jedi gasp while turning back. At the door they came through is Vile on the ground, still smoking with his shoulder cannon raised)

Vile: Mother-f**king traitor… Guh…

(Dies and explodes. The Jedi rush over to Duff, who's sprawled on the ground, sparking with the clean hole in his chest)

Anna: This blows! Why do things like this always happen to us?

Cope: Death seems to follow us wherever we go.

Sara: Don't say stuff like that!

Duff: Ugh… Hey... How does it look?

Cope: To be honest, it's a whole lot cleaner than the last time.

Jo: Alex!

Duff: Heh, Jedi honesty… Straightforward at any given…

Sylvia: Hang in there, Duff! We should be able to fix it this time.

Duff: Nah, there's no hope… Upon receiving a mortal wound, Reploids immediately, (Cough), begin a self-destruct sequence. Willpower can slow it down, but not stop it. However, Reploids can remove their central CPU, stopping all functions and nullifying the self-destruct.

Squishy: But that means you'll shut off, right? So you'd still be dead.

Duff: Yeah, but it's still cleaner than going out with a bang. (Cough, cough)

Sara: Duff….

Duff: Listen…. You have to push on. Kill the one who started all this. End the madness… Before… (Cough cough cough)

Jo: We'll do that. Just hang in there.

Duff: Once again, I can't comply. No offense… (Starts sparking more) My time's nearly up. (Reaches with one hand to his head) You can do this for me: Take my data… Use it to fix my body, or make a new one. That way, I can bring back Octopardo, and others, with the right equipment. Just make sure you get out of here intact.

Will: Sure thing, buddy. You have our word.

Squishy: Yeah. Consider it a promise that we'll meet again.

Duff: Best not make promises you can't keep, just to inform you…

Jo: We know. We'll still do it.

Duff: Good, good... (Sparks more rapidly) So it ends... for now. Sayonara... Jedi…

(Taps a part of his head, which flashes. There's the whirring of slowing machinery as he lies still and the lights on him dim. A tray comes out of his head, holding a huge computer chip. Will walks over to his corpse)

Sara: Duff's brain…

(Will reaches it and removes the chip.)

Will: (Looking it over) You're in safe hands now... Friend.

(Pockets it. Sad music plays as the message "Duff Has Died" appears)

Squishy: (Wiping eyes) Ah man… I always get so emotional with these things.

Anna: There's no time for tears, Squishy. There's still revenge to be wrought here.

Jo: She's right. And more important than that, we must ensure the stability and protection of the Republic, and the entire galaxy. Only we can stop this war, because we're the only thing in Contractor's way.

Cope: Yeah. So let's go ram a road spike up his a** while we're here.

Will: For the welfare of everyone.

Sylvia: For the kids, and Steezy.

Squishy: For Ackbar, Chris and the others.

Sara: We'll have to push on, to honor all those who died this week.

Jo: Then it's acknowledged on what we must do. Now let's move on towards: The Final Battle.

(They walk off solemnly. When they step through another door, things slow down as they enter a long hall to Halo 2 music. As they're walking, they have somehow donned shades along with Sylvia sharpening her claws and Will smoking a cigar. They soon pass a window that shows a concert hall where an orchestra is playing the grand, somber music. When they reach the other end and go through its door, the music has reached its end and all is quiet. The Jedi enter pure darkness that has no end in sight. After they're all in, the door slams and locks tight behind them. Though there's no light, the Jedi are still illuminated. They have somehow lost their shades, as well as Will's cigar)

Ah… It's about time you showed up. I was starting to feel a tad… impatient.

(Whirring noises start up as organ notes from the opening of FFVI plays. The suspense is gripping as certain bits of darkness start to light up with each growing note. Then to the SNES crescendo, a column of light strikes the heart of darkness, revealing a tall throne like Ultemecia's amidst the dark sea. Atop this throne sits the Contractor)

Cont.: Wooo! MAN I love that music! It makes things so frickin' _intense_!

Jedi: Contractor!

Cont.: (Annoyed) Oh, right. The Jedi are here. (To them) Welcome warriors, to my central headquarters: the staging area of the future! A future where all things shall be run by the galaxy's one dominant race: Me, and only ME!

Squishy: Your messed-up reign ends right here, right now!

Will: You've made war seem like one big sick game!

Anna: We're tired of your games, and we demand justice!

Sara: You've killed many innocents and evicted tons more in this campaign of madness!

Sylvia: The kids, Steezy, Ackbar, Chris… You tried to kill all of them!

Cope: You've also been using video games to do your dirty work! It's time to take it like a man!

Jo: And with all your crimes accounted for, there's no more acceptable punishment then death by our hands!

All: Yeah!

Cont: Oh please! You all sound like typical pre-final battle banter in any RPG. Why don't you try shortening your statements; save me the trouble of being bored out of my mind.

Cope: Never! So long as we're the good guys, we'll exposit whatever the h**l we want!

Squishy: You tell him, Alex!

Cope: I don't need your support.

Cont: Good guys!? You call yourselves the good guys? What gives you the idea that you are on the side of righteousness?

Jo: Of all people, you should definitely know that one. It's us who are always cleaning up your messes.

Anna: And what messes they were.

Cont: Ha! You're wrong: it's you who are the villains. You who deny your creator the right to run his own universe by his own hand. Tell me: What reason do you have to justify such blasphemy?

Sylvia: That's obvious: You're crazy!

Will: You are mentally unsuited to run the galaxy in a smooth, peaceful manner.

Cope: Your past actions are more than enough justification for that claim.

Cont: Hey, now. What's with the dissing and hating? Not everything I did in the past was bad. I've done my share of good, and I find it hurtful for you to say such things about me.

Jo: Bull chips! Name one good thing you did for the galaxy then.

Cont: Alrighty, I will! Let's see… Uh… Umm… Errrr… Oh! I fought and defeated Pickles/Henry.

Sara: Only after you let him in!

Cont: Yeah, well, I still kept him from screwing us from here to oblivion.

Jo: Cleaning your own mistakes doesn't count. Think again.

Cont: Fine! Urr… Hmm… I let you have that awesome concert at the end of the third trilogy.

Squishy: Only after I forced it out of you, where beforehand you revealed your evil intentions and tried to kill us in a whacked-out battle!

Cont: Oh well you're one to talk! Don't forget, it was I who made you and Sylvia's relationship one of the strongest, most endearing unions in all the galaxy.

Sylvia: That's because you threatened my life and sent our eggs into other dimension, forcing us to work together harder to get them back.

Will: So based off what they're saying, they are what they are now because extenuating circumstances caused by you made them that way.

Cont: (To self) Ah, jeez. Tough crowd. (To Jedi) Well I know one thing for certain I did that benefited you guys: I gave the freak couple their lightsabers back.

Sylvia: So? We made new ones before we got them back.

Cont: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been the same using unoriginals.

Squishy: Nah. It doesn't make a difference what sabers we use.

Cont: No, you don't understand. You see, during the past one and a half years, have you noticed something different about your saber practices?

Sylvia: Umm… No, except that we haven't any need for them because it's been so peaceful.

Cont: Now think back to peacetime before you had kids. How often did you use your sabers?

Squishy: Actually, we used it quite often, though not for anything real important.

Cont: Don't you notice this odd imbalance? Before your kids you still used your sabers even in peacetime, but after you lost them, you suddenly stopped the usage.

Anna: What're you driving at anyway?

Jo: Yeah; this seems totally pointless right now.

Cont: What I'm driving at, you impatient curs, is that for the past one and a half years, Squishy and Sylvia have been incomplete, weakened.

Couple: What?

Cont: Being separated from your original sabers left you in a state of half-strength, incapable of real combat. But with your sabers back, you both would be whole in power once again, and you would still be fighting across the galaxy despite having three kids to tend to. So in conclusion, me returning your sabers was an act of good will on my part, since leaving you with cheap remakes would have made you two worthless in battle.

Sylvia: Well, if what you're saying is true, then why did you give us back our sabers in the first place?

Will: Yeah; it seems mighty odd for you to bring your opponents to full battle strength before a war.

Cont: Yeah, well, I had nothing else better to do beforehand, so I thought: why not?

Sara: No that ain't it. You're hiding something. Tell us the truth.

Cont: (Slamming hand) Girlfriend: You can't handle the truth!

Cope: Try us!

Jo: Yeah, we can be pretty persuasive.

(They activate their sabers)

Cont: Heh, like those could actually faze me. But, if you insist, I'll tell you. (Hesitates) Gee, how to say it… Kinda hard now that I think about it…

Jedi: Spill it already!

Cont: Stop rushing me! Fine, then I'll tell you already! The real reason I gave you back your sabers was because… because... I… wanted you to be full strength.

Squishy: What-?

Cont: I couldn't bear seeing two of my best creations go off to battle being as worthless as two cumbersome ninnies wielding sticks. It just wouldn't be right!

Sylvia: But that's crazy!

Cont: To you it may be crazy, but to me… to me… Hit it, Sam.

(Somber piano from FFX starts playing)

Cope: Oh boy…

Cont: As an artist, I take pride in everything I create, even if my creations turn against me, such as you. Yes, with every soul I weave and every body I carve, I hold a deep connection with, similar to how a painter or a sculptor holds an emotional link with their works, no matter what little success it may come upon. You two I especially hold dear from an artistic view, and keeping you incomplete would leave a great stain upon my artistic soul. Looking back, I can recall the exhilaration of seeing you guys in combat. The way you cut through your foes with such precision; the way you jump around with the grace of a gymnist; and especially the passion you put into the backs of all these feats. All these things are what any artist would work their lives for: To look upon their creations and feel great pride in knowing that they have far exceeded their creator's expectations. I complete you because I care for you as my creations. That's my reason…

Sara: Wow… To think the Contractor has a sensitive, poetic side.

Anna: I… don't have anything to say at all. I'm at a loss for words.

Squishy: Contractor… Such words can't be lies. Not with how you said them. I suppose that we should feel grateful or something, cuz I'm confused.

Sylvia: Same here. You make a really good speaker.

Cont: Thank you. Just goes to show that you can never fully judge a person by their actions.

Jo: Yes, we'll be sure to remember such advice.

Cont: That would be good. However, the time for sensitive, compassionate Contractor is at an end. (Resuming initial behavior) Now's time for good ole reliable, crazy, unpredictable and totally absurd me! Sha-Zham!

(Lights start filling up the rest of the darkness, revealing a large circular room filled with many computer consoles and a circular groove in the middle that's lower than the rest of the room, with the throne towering in the middle of it. The Contractor is standing and gloating with fists on his hips atop his throne before the wondering Jedi)

Cope: What's all this!?

Cont: Ha ha ha ha haa! To think, that even for just a wee moment, you guys were willing to sympathize with me! What utter saps! Hee hee hee hee!

Jo: You a**-hole! WTF!?

Anna: B****rd!

Cont: Now, before I set about fixing the flaw that is your collective existences, I'm feeling pompous enough to tell you all about the planning that went into making this moment possible. As you undoubtedly know, most of my forces have been bosses from the Mega Man and X franchises, along with enemies of the Metal Slug series. The recruiting process was fairly simple. A simple threatening of life was all that was needed to get Wily and Morden to relinquish their troops and creations. However, I hit a little snag trying to bring the Mavericks to my cause. But with the right negotiations, not only did I get them, but I also got a little bonus with it. (To room) Oh Second-In-CommAAAAAAAAAND!

(Walking out from the back of the throne's base and circling to its front, steps out a tall, bold figure of mechanical-humanoid make, with an armor of various colors and a red cape. His head is big &amp; bald, with blank white eyes and a dot in his forehead, along with a constant smirk. Cope and Squishy look at the figure with immense shock)

Cope: No way-!

Squishy: Holy Bahesus! Sigma!

(Da-duuuhhh!)

Sigma: (Simply standing) These are the guys responsible for wiping out my men?

Cont: Yes they are, dear Sigma. Yes they are. (To Jedi) To win his support, I had to do for him one simple favor: kill his eternal nemesis, aka X. And of course, I rose to the challenge, and succeeded masterfully.

Cope: You killed X!?

Cont: Yes I did, and it was so mind-numbingly easy, if I do say so myself. Quite a shocker Sigma had yet to take him out after all this time.

Sigma: Watch yer mouth, boy!

Cont: Sorry bout that, Siggy.

Sigma: Don't call me that ever again!

Cont: Chill, chill. Anyways, along with killing his mortal foe, he also insisted on overseeing my operation, and of course I obliged in full. Which is how everything up to this moment was made possible. Thank you, thank you. (Bowing)

Sara: That was very long-winded.

Squishy: X! WHY!

Will: Pipe down. There's nothing we can do now about that.

Cont: That's right! The same way you can't do anything about your impending dooms, either.

Sigma: Hah hah, you got that right.

Cont: Yes I do! With the combined forces of Sigma and moi´, you Jedi are horribly outmatched.

Anna: Ah you can just blow it out yer hole!

Jo: We're just gonna whup you up and down the place like the other times.

Cont: Oh no you won't. I've been thinking this whole thing over for a long while, and I know it won't fail. I have an ace in the hole that will undo you peeps right this instant!

Sylvia: And what, pray tell, is that?

Cont: Hee hee… I'll let Sigma explain this one. Sigma?

Sigma: Assuming you guys are decent gamers, you ought to know how I work. I first appear in a pretty typical form like the one you see before you; nothing that could trouble you, right?

Cont: But the magic comes after you defeat him.

Sigma: Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't interrupt.

Cont: Sorry…

Sigma: Like he said, the real test comes after you destroy this form. My inner power breaks free, rematerializes, and becomes something that greatly overshadows the original form as far as might is concerned.

Cont: In other words: Death unleashes his true power.

Sigma: Exactly. Thus, if you wish to avoid facing a powerful foe, then you shan't kill me.

Cont: Meaning he's untouchable and will be a real pain in the a**! Genius prevails once again!

Will: No!

Squishy: Not good.

Anna: Darn it!

Sigma: The air breathers are already squirming.

Cont: They should be! You, sir, have a unique skill: one reserved mostly for RPG final bosses. A very terrible, effective power. A truly grand power.

Sigma: D**n straight it is.

Cont: A very wondrous power.

Sigma: Uh-huh.

Cont: A power so sought after, and one that I will have the moment I absorb you into my body.

Sigma: Yeah! Wait, wha-?

Cont: Once your death is made certain through the fusion process, I shall inherit your powers and become unstoppable!

Cope: Say what!?

Anna: That's your plan!?

Jo: Absurd!

Sara: Icky…

Sigma: Hey now, what's all this about, Contractor? What do you mean by-?

Cont: You head me right, mannequin! (Getting evil) I, want, you, INSIDE _**MEEE**_!

(He juts his left arm at Sigma, which expands and splits horizontally to reveal a nightmarish maw of teeth and tentacles and demonic eyes. Sigma is snagged by some tentacles and is slowly drawn in as he struggles, protesting and trying to grab onto stuff. He starts yelling as he nears the abomination's sinister maw, where it then commences closing and chewing on Sigma to the Jedi's disgust. After a bit, the arm closes up and swallows before returning to normal, followed by Contractor giving a belch)

Will: Now that's… some seriously f**ked-up s**t right there.

(Contractor begins groaning and clutching his stomach as he floats off the throne and above the floor. Light starts emanating from him, then he pulls back and bursts into a huge ball of light, which produces a blinding flash. After it clears, the Jedi behold the great abomination. Standing as tall as the throne, the new creation is basically an über-enlarged version of Sigma's body from MMX4. However, the head has the Contractor's facial features and glasses, but no hair and still sporting a huge dot in its forehead)

Cont: Behold: The fruits of my labor! The end result of genuine design! A grand beauty of fusion between metal and otherworldly flesh! No longer am I the Contractor! Now, I am the ultimate being in all TimeSpace! Feast your eyes upon (Poses): SIGMA-C!

(The screen gets all wavy as captions show his name along with the sub-title "King Fusion Bot Master")

Sylvia: You've got to be joking.

Anna: Typical. Leave it to the Contractor to come up with some kind of crazy-a** plan like this.

Jo: I reckon it's bout time we smacked some sense into that bulbous skull of his.

SC: Go ahead! I dare ya's!

Cope: Gladly! (Tosses saber at his head, but an invisible shield sends it back) What!?

SC: Heh heh! Just the reaction I had predicted! Your sabers can do nothing to me! That's because along with becoming Sigma-C, my immense baldness has given me the renowned title of: TEN-HEAD!

(Screen gets all wavy again with the caption "Oh S**t!")

Will: D**n!

Squishy: Not that!

Sara: Ten-head?

Will: That's the greatest forehead status in the universe. Only the most well-shaven, most insane, most desperate people could ever hope of obtaining it.

SC: Precisely! And my great skin-head creates a glare so great that it forms a protective barrier that's impervious to all attacks! Thus, I am UNTOUCHABLE! Blah ha ha ha ha ha!

Cope: How's that even possible!?

Jo: Don't bother asking, Alex. All absurdities are reality in the Contractor's eyes.

SC: You catch on quick; I like that! Now since I'm feeling immense overconfidence over my new powers, I'll allow you termites to make up some last words to say to me whilst I'm squashing you one by one!

Anna: This is bad, guys…

Will: Yeah. Seems we're truly screwed.

Sara: I can't believe it's gonna end this way: us losing to a bald guy.

Squishy: Maybe it doesn't have to, Sara.

Jo: What are you talking about?

Cope: Another one of your near-Contractor-level hare-brained ideas?

Squishy: I'm afraid so.

Cope: Well keep me out of it.

Squishy: Sorry, Copeland. That's a promise I can never keep.

(Cope curses as Squishy steps before Sigma-C)

SC: Ah, Squishy! I always knew you'd be the first to go! What have you to say?

Squishy: I still one plan left up my robes: a strategy taught by Lord Vidiot himself!

Will: Vidiot?

SC: Vidiot? Ha! Pitiful Jawa! Lord Vidiot was just a plot device used to give you your awesome powers! His relevancy died at the end of the first trilogy, with his bloated carcass carrying over into the second, you moron!

Squishy: Whether he's relevant or not, he still taught me one great technique. One to only be used only in the most dire of situations. A one-time guarantee technique!

Sylvia: Ooooh… Tantalizing.

Sara: Whatever could it be?

SC: Bah! Your technique is bupkiss! You are hopeless before me! Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Squishy: Okay, you asked for it! (To Jedi) Follow my lead!

Anna: Oh god no!

(Squishy reaches into his robes and pulls out a roll of Mentos. He tosses some to the Jedi and pops one himself, causing musical do-do-doing to start)

SC: What the!?

Squishy: _It doesn't matter what comes!_

_Fresh goes better in life..._

_With Mentos fresh and Full of Life!_

(The others join in)

Jo: _Nothing gets to you,_

Will: _Stayin' fresh-_

Sara: _Stayin' cool!_

Anna: _With Mentos fresh and full-_

Cope: _Of-_

Sylvia: Life!

All: _Fresh goes better!_ (Pull out wig)

_Meeentos freshness!_ (Toss wig at SC)

_Fresh goes better with_ (Wig plants onto SC's head)

_Meeentos fresh and_ (SC sparks, kneels)

_Full of Life!_ (Robo Chris Head appears)

RCH: Mentos: Da Freshmaker! (Explodes)

SC: What? How!? Preposterous! What have you done!? How is it possible!?

Squishy: Never underestimate the morale-boosting potential that is Swedish-inspired advertising! Our upbeat thinking and singing has led you to being stripped of the coveted Ten-Head!

Will: And from the looks of things, it seems you've been downgraded to a more-than-manageable two-head.

SC: VAS!?

(Stands up, revealing that his wig is long enough to nearly touch his eyebrows)

SC: AAAAH! This is a Beatle's doo! NOOOOO! You b**ch b*****ds have RUINED MY IMAGE! I'M IMPURE!

Cope: Oh calm down already. You'll live.

Anna: Besides, that actually makes you look decent.

Sylvia: For sure.

SC: You talking meat statues know nothing of ULTIMATE HAIR FASHION! My one chance for Sexy bad-a**ery is OVER! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FORKIN' KILL YOU All!

Jo: Well bring it on, "Ringo Starr".

SC: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(They fight to "Sigma 2nd" from MMX4. SC lumbers about, making great swipes and slams with his arms, but the Jedi are too quick for those. Then he unleashes freakin' laser beams and detaches his hands as missiles. The Jedi dodge and leap while slashing parts of SC's body, resulting in loud complaints from the raging tyrant. At one point, he manages to grab Sylvia by a leg, swing her around and toss her at a wall. But she recovers, springs back off the wall and hits SC in the cheek with a high-velocity kick that leaves a nasty dent and tear)

SC: Uhhhhhhhh! You can never beat me! I'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN!

(He electrifies himself so that he's lethal to the touch. After some more swinging and lightning shots, he punches his throne tower, which sends electricity flaring all over his body. He starts smoking and kneels huffing)

Sylvia: Squishy! Do it!

Squishy: Okay!

(He leaps onto SC's face and starts to stab the do in the center of his head with his saber, where an X button icon appears and shows itself being rapidly tapped)

Squishy: This is for Duff! (Stab) This is for X! (Stab) This is for Chris! (Stab) For Ackbar! (Stab) The kids! (Stab) Steezy! (Stab) Sylvia! (Stab) And for everything you did that screwed us over!

(Stab. He leaps down to SC's right arm and starts pulling. With immense crackle and protest he tears it off, with SC wailing)

Squishy: Anna! Power up!

Anna: Gotcha!

(She fires lightning onto the torn arm, making it glow and whir with energy. Squishy then leaps up, holding the arm back when nearing SC's ever horror-growing face)

Squishy: Here's A Message From Keiji Inafune!

(He swings the arm, whose outstretched hand slaps SC with immense electrical force. All is still for a bit before SC starts blinking with light, then bursts into multiple explosions that slowly white out the screen. Then there's one final blast before all goes white and silent. When it clears, we see the Jedi standing before the smoldering wreckage of the SC. The only things discernible out of the mess is half an arm, the shoulders and the head, which now has half a metallic skull revealed. The Jedi are exhausted)

Jo: (Huff, huff, huff, huff) D**n! (Huff, huff, huff)

Anna: Remind me not to complain about lack of action for another month, guys. (Huff, huff, huff)

Wll: But at least it's over. It's finally over… (Huff, huff)

Cope: Whopee…

SC's Head: ….Well done, Jedi. You have defeated me... In a most…spectacular manner... at that…. I'm proud of my creations, once again...

Squishy: Yeah, well… Don't go doubting our skills from now on! (Falls to floor panting)

SCH: However… You are still my enemies…Plus… I'm a pretty sore loser with these things...

Sara: Whatcha gonna do: Cry about it?

SCH: No… Rather, I find it in my best interest to… take you guys…down….. WITH ME!

(Opens mouth, where a huge energy ball emanates then fires. Cope steps forward and deflects it, but it hits the backdrop, making it fall back to reveal nothingness. Then a huge wind vortex hits the group)

Cope: What the hello!?

Squishy: I wondered what was back there!

(The Jedi and SC get sucked into the howling darkness, swirling and yelling before all goes quiet and dark. Then there's a steady beat of an electronic heartbeat. Short flashes that follows the beat shows the Jedi sleeping, then slowly waking up while lines of computer coding can occasionally be seen going across the screen. Then the Jedi fully appear, floating and then standing amidst the eternal darkness while some more coding flies about)

Sylvia: What is this place?

?: This place you're standing in, dear she-thing, is the Internet: The information superhighway. It is here, foolish mortals, that my strength-

(There's a rumbling, then rising into view is a nasty sight. A being with eight long, very thick tentacles made of wires and metal and, worst yet, the thing holding the tentacles is the restored head of Sigma-C)

SC: Shall be born ANEW!

(Screen's all wavy again. Anna falls onto her butt while still looking)

Anna: What did we ever do to deserve this?

SC: Plenty, my dear. Plenty. And there will be no escape from your sentence, because here on the Net, flesh is useless, but machines are king. You now have before you the one true perpetual enemy: The World Wide Machina!

Will: He's right! No one can destroy the Internet unless every single computer in the universe is smashed, and even that's uncertain.

Jo: If Contractor is one with the Internet, then all is truly lost…

Sylvia: Hold me, Squishy.

SC: Yes, that just about sums up your immediate future. Now I would like to thank young Alexander Copeland for breaking the 4th wall and making this event possible. I'll be sure to make your death quick.

Jedi: Alex!

Cope: Whatever… We're all gonna die, anyway.

SC: Now, Jedi, begins your eternal torture under my grasp here in the great Binary Ocean. So think happy thoughts, cuz this is gonna hur-

(An energy ball hits SC in the face, interrupting him)

SC: What!?

(Leaping into the open Mega Man Battle Network music is Mega )

MMEXE: You'll do no such thing, you freak!

(A slash hits SC, and Proto joins MMEXE)

PMEXE: That's right. No users shall be harmed while we're around.

Squishy: Holy crap! You guys!

Sara: What's going on?

SC: Ech! Bloody Navis! I should have deleted you while setting up my battle net!

MMEXE: Well, you didn't, and now we're here to kick your digitized butt!

PMEXE: No virus can withstand my blade, so you best say your prayers!

SC: Cocky little worms!

PMEXE: (To Jedi) You users alright?

Jo: We're fine, though immensely confused.

Will: Who are you?

PMEXE: No time to explain! You've got to get out of here, pronto!

Anna: But how? We're in the middle of freakin' nowhere!

MMEXE: There's a terminal some ways back. It should take you back to your world somewhere.

Sara: What about you?

MMEXE: We'll keep this thing back and take it out. He's no match for the both of us. Right, Proto Man?

PMEXE: But of course!

Will: Wow… You're willing to endanger yourselves for us?

PMEXE: Can't help it; it's in our programming. Now get out of here already!

Jo: Right! Okay everyone, last one out is a rotten egg!

(They run off. Squishy hangs back a bit)

Squishy: Thanks again. And sorry for criticizing your repetitive gameplay.

MMEXE: No prob. Now go!

(Squishy leaves. The Navis and SC start circling each other)

SC: I have to give you two credit; it takes much electro balls to take on an unknown virus, though it's highly unwise.

MMEXE: Whatever. You don't look any different than any other corrupt file to me.

SC: Maybe, but I have one thing no other virus has.

PMEXE: And what's that?

SC: Why, the ability to manipulate SPAM!

(Tentacles stick out and shake as pop-ups start flooding the place)

MMEXE: What the he-!?

(Both Navis get swamped by ads. Meanwhile, onboard the bridge of the Home One, Ackbar, Chris, Steezy and the kids are just standing around with anxiety)

Tech. Off.: What could be keeping the Jedi for so long?

Ackbar: All we can do for now is just wait, old chum.

Steezy: But for how much longer?

(A nearby computer console lights up yelling the message "Mail Muthaf**a!")

Chris: Finally; something interesting for a change.

(Goes over to the console and clicks the screen. It starts rippling with light)

Chris: That's weird…

(Then popping out with static come the Jedi, rolling back into reality, where they lie sprawled on different parts of the floor before the stunned look of the others)

Ackbar: Jedi!?

Steezy: Sis!?

Kids: Mom! Dad! You're back!

(They rush over and hug the two)

Squishy: Hey, guys .Good to see you, too.

Ackbar: What're you doing here? What of the Contractor?

Tech. Off: And how exactly did you get here through the General's computer?

Jo: It's a long story. Really long.

Chris: (A bit hesitant) Uh, yeah… Say, while you were in my computer, did you happen to see the contents of a certain .exe file?

Will: No. We just went straight through.

Chris: (Relieved) Oh thank god.

(Suddenly all console screens start flashing red)

Tech. Off: What's this?

Voice: Warning! Warning! Content Overload! Dumping Excess SPAM Files!

(The screens then start shooting out torrents of canned SPAM into the bridge, hitting people. The sudden explosion of preserved goodness pins the Jedi and the others against the back wall)

Ackbar: What is this!?

Steezy: SPAM? What the heck!?

Chris: Pork! And salty, just the way I like it!

(The bridge continues to fill with SPAM)

Cope: I can't see anything!

Tech. Off.: This is bad! If the bridge keeps taking on SPAM, then this ship's gonna sink back down onto the planet!

Anna: Of all twists, death by SPAM had to have been the least likely!

Squshy: Heife!

(Meanwhile in cyberspace, nearly everything is covered in pop-up ads, and more keep coming. SC can still be seen wiggling madly)

SC: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Soon, every single facility containing a terminal of any type shall be flooded with SPAM, thus heralding the utter end of civilization as we know it! Mwah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

(Nearby, we can barely see bits of the two Navis buried beneath growing piles of pop-ups)

PMEXE: Ugh… Hey, Mega Man, can you move?

MMEXE: No. You?

PMEXE: Nope. I'm getting crushed.

MMEXE: I just can't believe it. Soon we're gonna get deleted, and all these pop-ups are going to overload the Net.

PMEXE: There's still one thing we can do: We can begin our destruct sequences. If both of us go off, it should be more than enough to take out that virus and clear up some of these pop-ups.

MMEXE: I guess we have no other choice. The real world must be saved.

PMEXE: Mega Man, before we go out, I just wanna say that, though me and my user have been bitter a**-holes to you and Lan in the past… I have always thought of you as a good friend.

MMEXE: Same here, and I'm sure Chaud would agree with you.

PMEXE: Yeah… Well, here goes.

(Some blinking noises are made then the two Navis start glowing)

MMEXE: I love you, man!

(Things get über bright as SC stops wiggling long enough to notice with a shocked expression before being blinded out by light. In the real world, all the consoles flash intensely white, then return to normal, stopping the SPAM flood. Much of the bridge is covered in piles of the cans)

Will: (Pushing out of cans) Is it over?

(Other people start crawling out of the cans)

Anna: Daylight!

Squishy: Alive! I am a-LIIIIVE!

Cope: Calm down, you fool!

Chris: You know, considering that I was nearly killed by processed pork, rabbi doesn't sound too shabby a fallback career option.

Ackbar: Speaking of which, what happened to the SPAM?

Tech. Off: The oddest thing… The monitors flared, and then it stopped coming.

(Looking at the screens, we see dancing emoticons showing all systems a-okay with no SPAM presence)

Jo: What do you know, those little dudes actually did it.

Steezy: What dudes?

Squishy: Two key characters from a Mega Man spin-off franchise. They were the ones who showed us out of the Web.

Ackbar: Meaning they are heroes for stopping the SPAM… Are they anywhere online, Officer?

Tech. Off: Checking. (Some time) Just dust and echoes. Also, there's traces of an unexplainable anomaly at the core of the SPAM infestation.

Sylvia: That has to have been the Contractor when he fused with the net.

Cope: Needless to say, I'd wager those two self-destructed in order to stop the Contractor and what seems to have been his SPAM.

Ackbar: Meaning we also owe these two for killing the Contractor. (Sigh) I've seen too many dead heroes in my time, and this war has only added more to that list...

Chris: So in an act of respect, I think it most appropriate that we have a moment of silence for those who have fallen in this conflict.

Jo: Well put, Chris. Bow your heads, guys.

(They all bow their heads solemnly. Will, thinking of something, reaches into his robe and pulls out Duff's chip)

Will: Wait, I just remembered this.

Steezy: What's that?

Will: It was a chip that I got from Duff back in that tower.

Ackbar: Duff?

Jo: Duff McWhalan. The enemy's naval commander.

Ackbar: Naval commander? I thought you killed him.

Sara: We did, but he came back because of some Mega Man rule. He helped us fight some other robots before he got killed again.

Squishy: He then offered us his brain chip. It was strange; he kept talking about maintaining honor and respect in combat. It was if he had his own agenda that would follow those beliefs, no matter his orders or his position.

Chris: Sounds like he was quite the soldier; an officer nearly as cool as me.

Will: Before he died, he said that if we rebuilt him using this chip, he could bring back more of his buddies to help us.

Tech. Off: May I see that chip?

(Will hands over chip. Tech. Off. goes over to a console and uploads chip)

Tech Off: Hack hack hack… Here we go. Check this out, fellas.

(They come over)

Anna: Whatcha got?

Tech. Off: It's amazing. This one chip not only holds Duff's information, but data on every other Mega Man unit that was in battle. Parts, schematics, even AI back-ups. He's got everyone of them on mental record.

Cope: So if Duff can rebuild them…

(Realization hits group)

Squishy: Do you guys know what this means?

Tech. Off: Let's see: 8 Mega Man games, 8 MMX games-

Squishy: It means a crapload of new recruits, that's what!

Sylvia: Squishy! Children!

Squishy: Sorry, but still: Yippeee!

Will: A whole bunch of special soldiers for the Republic!

Sara: We can bring Duff and his friends back!

Anna: And with Duff's leadership and common sense, we'll only get the really awesome, competent robots!

Jo: (To bridge personnel) Listen up, gents: The war is over and the spoils go to us! We did it!

(Cheers go up around the bridge as confetti pops around the place)

Ackbar: This calls for celebration!

Cope: Not just for the war ending, but for the reclamation of Mon Calamari back into Republic hands, and the return of its people!

Chris: And I know just how we can celebrate. Following the traditions of cheap and convenient fun, there is only one party perfect for this, and it shall be: SPAM PARTY!

(Even more cheers go around)

Chris: So start opening cans, light a grill, grab the utensils, and bust out the buns and condiments! I'm off to put a special "something" in the air ventilation.

Everyone: HOORAAAY!

(Chris runs off. In a corridor, he stops at a communicator and an air duct. He picks up the communicator and punches some numbers)

Chris: To all ships loaded with SPAM: Take your enemy's vittles and stuff your faces, cuz you all deserve it! Now party down and follow us back to home, and shore leave!

(Hangs up. He then takes out a large bag of hash, lights it, tosses it into the air duct, and hurries back. At the place fills with smoke, Parrot Bay commercial music starts playing as Home One begins bumping to the beat. It is followed by the rest of the fleet, which is also bumping in synch with the hip Bahamian beat. Soon all goes black and silent)


	5. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Months have passed since the end of the conflict that has come to be known as "Contractor's War". Peace has befallen the Republic once again, and everyone rests easy. The inhabitants of Mon Calamari have returned to their planet, and everyone in the Republic Army who had fought, lived and died in the fighting are praised as heroes. Of course, plenty of this praise goes to the ever-triumphant Jedi, who have once again thrown off the iron fist of an otherworldly tyrant. Also, using their spoils of war, the Jedi have rebuilt Duff McWhalan, who in turn has started bringing back his broken mechanical allies to defend the Republic, forming a new division of the military entitled The Mega Man Boss Corps. We now turn to Coruscant, where a special something is about to begin._

(Turn to Coruscant. It's dark twilight as the airways bustle the evening away. Turn to one large building in the upper city, where many people are gathered outside the entrance. Among these people are the Jedi and Steezy, dressed for a fancy formal occasion. The kids are there too, and are also neatly dressed)

Jo: Ah, William! Looking ever so spiffy tonight. And that dress suits you well, Sara.

Will: Thanks, Jo.

Sara: Oh, Jo, you're making me blush.

Anna: Hey, don't forget about us! I spent two hours getting this lummox to look nice for tonight.

(Show Cope in a tux, but with mouth wide open)

Cope: (In Wookiee) I don't see why I had to have botox done. Just growling is making my mouth burn.

Anna: Ahhh, you'll get over it.

Will: So Steezy, buddy, how ya hangin'?

Steezy: I'm alright, bro. Things have been quiet back on the Home. Of course, I like it that way, what with the hassles we had a while back.

Jo: Sir Squishy and fair Sylvia. So you grace us with our presence for tonight?

Squishy: Of course, and since when did you start acting so gentlemen-like?

Jo: Oh, I simply had a few Altoids about an hour ago. Those things just make things so refreshing.

Sylvia: As you can see, we decided to bring the kids along. I know they'll be well behaved, plus it would be good for them to see some theater.

Sally: I want go see the ballerina!

Rick: When do we throw the rotten tomatoes?

Stan: Are we gonna be seated somewhere high?

Anna: Ahh…. The whimsy of children.

(Ackbar and Chris come over. They are decked in formal officer clothes)

Jo: Why if it isn't our dear Admiral and General. How are you, gents?

Ackbar: We are in good spirits, Joseph. And greetings to everyone else.

Chris: We were a bit late getting here; traffic was a complete bi-

Steezy: Chris! Ixnay on the cussy, hombre.

Chris: Oh, right. I forgot there were minors about. (Goes over to Sally and bends a bit) Hey there, little girl. Aren't you the cutest thing with claws?

Sally: I sure am. Now give me candy!

Chris: Ho ho! The girl knows how to hustle; I like that. Sorry, but I don't carry candy anymore. Not since the sugar pixie cartel had my legs broken.

Ackbar: Well, it was good to see you all again. We'll meet up later after the show, maybe get some drinks or grab a bite. Come along, General.

Chris: Alright. But I'm still unsure if they'll let me in, especially since that time I assaulted those actors for "The Lion King".

Ackbar: Don't worry. I bet nobody remembers that night anymore. (They walk off)

Crowd Patron: Monkey raper!

(Now joining the group is a rebuilt Duff, wearing his own tux)

Squishy: Yo, Duff! You're here!

Will: Squishy! Respect the rear admiral!

Cope: (Wookienese) Yeah. Remember your discipline already!

Duff: That's alright, guys. We're not at war anymore. Plus, I haven't been in service here long enough to expect that kind of courtesy.

Jo: Oh whatever! You deserve respect, dag nabbit. You did a stupendous job overseeing the relocation of all those Mon Calamarians and Quarrens back to their home planet.

Duff: Yeah, but I couldn't have done it without my men.

Sara: Speaking of which, how are your men?

Duff: They're all functioning well, especially my right hand. Oh Octo!

(Leaping to them is a rebuilt Launch Octopus, also wearing appropriate tux)

Launch: (Salutes) You called, sir?

Duff: At ease, Launch. How are you feeling this evening?

Launch: I'm just dandy, sir! Your repairs have got me runnin' 150 percent and still holding! I can even do things I never could do before. Check this out!

(Each segment of all his tentacles start rotating at different speeds in different directions)

Stan: Funny octopus man!

Duff: That's enough, Launch. Well Jedi, we got to get to our places before the show starts.

Will: Look for us after the show, okay? We're gonna go out somewhere to talk and stuff.

Duff: Sure thing. And with that, we're off.

(They leave, with Launch doing cartwheels. The people around the group start shuffling through the entrance doors)

Jo: Looks like it's time to go take our seats as well.

Anna: Come on, Alex. The show's gonna start soon.

Cope: (Wook.) About time. My legs are aching.

Sylvia: (To kids) Now you three be good while the show is playing. Understand?

Kids: Yes, Mom.

Steezy: Let's head in.

(They enter. As they go to the VIP entrance they pass the ticket booth, where Jennings is dressed as a valet)

Jennings: (Noticing them) Ooh! Hey fellas! I'm just manning the booth, Sarge's orders! I'll see ya when it slows down!

(Gets completely swamped by ticket-seekers. We now switch to the stage hall, where the seats are arranged like an IMAX theater that's 100 feet high. The place is packed as the group find their seats in the VIP section. Soon, a well-groomed gentlemen of lofty disposition with fancy hair curls on the sides of his head walks out onto the stage before the immense curtains, causing the hall to go quiet. He stops in the center of the stage)

Man: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is my pleasure as grand impresario to welcome you to Grand Coruscant Opera House. Having so many enlightened persons in this great hall fills me with even more joy for overseeing tonight's proceedings.

Jerk: That's totally a toupee!

(Massive "Shhing" follows)

Impres.: Yes… Ignoring that, it is my delight to present tonight's grand feature. Great Coruscant Opera House is proud to give you: "The End Credits Live!"

(There is applause as he leaves. When all's quiet, the lights die and the curtains open. Spotlights hit the stage as music starts to play. Then to the ending credits music of "We Love Katamari", every Mega Man boss featured in the trilogy walks onto the stage, strikes a pose, then walks off as their names pop up beneath them. The cast call goes along smoothly, until the lights start acting weird, but it's just the kids messing with them. After they're restrained, things continue until the music comes to a halt at a minute and fifty-five seconds, and all's quiet. Suddenly, a Japanese voice starts talking, mumbling about outrage)

Will: What the heck?

Impres: What's going on here? Stage hand!

Stage Hand: (Looking through scripts) I don't know. Nothing's in here!

Voice: (In Japanese) Huh? What's all this then? A casting call for the people? Without my notice? How can this be!? To think… you would all forget about me. Despite my obvious importance. I can't be forgotten; not like this! I, won't, take, it! So I'm, going to have all youuuuuuuuuu SUPER CRUSHED!

(Bursting onto the stage is Bass of MM7, pushing along a huge Katamari ball. It tears down the stage and picks up things as Bass goes about singing about rainbows or some crap while rolling the ball)

Cope: (Wook) What the freak!?

Squishy: BASS!?

(Bass rolls through the hall, picking up the audience and soon busting out of the building along with those crazy Japanese tunes. His Katamari grows as it rolls across Coruscant, absorbing things smaller than, or matching its size. Bass continues singing as people in the ball also join the non-sensical Japanese sing-along that only Katamari could produce. Soon nearly all of Coruscant has been absorbed into the Katamari, which is now the size of a small moon. As the music nears its conclusion, Bass stops before the line of Jedi, who have managed to avoid the ball up to then and were now standing before the amalgamated threat. Bass gets mad, revs up the ball and charges. But the Jedi simultaneously whip out their sabers and knock the Katamari into the air, followed by Bass. They stick up their sabers, which impales the falling Katamari, causing it to stop and catch Bass. His name flashes on screen)

Bass: Yeah! I'm in the credits! Woo-Hoo!

**THE END?**

...

**NO WAY!**

(Switch to darkness. Walking around in it is Contractor, returned back to his normal white suit and body)

Cont: Those d**ned Navi! They managed to screw up everything! I was so close to achieving undeniable victory. Not only that, but I was at my most powerful! Now I have none of those anymore. Their blast has stripped me not only of my machine powers, but also my regular powers. I'm stuck here with no idea where I am, or when I'll get my powers back. God I am so pissed!

?: Oh, I don't think you should be.

Cont: Huh?

(Turns around and sees, standing before him and pounding a fist, Buddy, the AOL mascot)

Buddy: Look at it this way: It'll give us plenty of time to discuss your questionable "advertising" practices. Heh heh heh heh…

Cont: NOOOOOOOO!

(Then to Metal Slug 3 credit music, the real credits start playing. While this is happening, we see the Contractor run across the screen being chased by various Internet icons including the Internet Explorer E, Pico, Foamy, Strawberry Clock, Gary Brolsma, Colin Mochrie, VG Cats, Homestuck, and even the cast of Red vs Blue and 8-bit Theater. As the credits end, Contractor trips onto his face, and is about to get dog-piled when everything freeze frames and fades to black)

**The ****End**

...For real!

…Not of the series!

Just this trilogy

Alright…

Later, I guess

_SJW_


End file.
